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Wishing for a Miscarriage

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I took a pregnancy test earlier this week, after being seven days late. I stayed in the bathroom the entire time as I waited for the results.

woman holding pregnancy test

Julia Childless: It was freezing in there, so I had the electric heater on. This is the same apparatus that, two years ago, I burned my right butt cheek on after a shower. The grid-pattern scar is still there -- resembling a waffle iron that attacked my ass. I stood with my back to the heater again, careful not to get too close, and simultaneously watched the plastic stick -- willing it to produce a double line. After the first two minutes, the tiny bit of hope I had been holding onto drained out of me, and I knew what I had anticipated the other evening was true -- negative. No baby for me. Again.

Then it dawned on me that I had a bigger problem -- why wasn't I getting my period? A bunch of reasons floated in and out of my mind -- I just got off Clomid, I've lost a few pounds recently, I had been on all kinds of weird hormones and my body needed to readjust ... then the big question, the-one-that-shall-not-be-uttered, crept in. "What if," I thought, "I can't get pregnant?" Everyone I know who has had fertility issues had at least conceived before, even if they didn't carry to term. Suddenly I realized I was wishing for a miscarriage, and how utterly messed up that was.

I guess I had been in there for a while because my husband asked how I was doing. That's when I came back into my body, felt the heater blowing on me, and took one last look at the pregnancy test. Still negative. (I'm aware you shouldn't believe a positive result after 10 minutes, but part of me just wanted to see what one looked like.)

When I branded my backside two years ago, I was afraid to turn the heater on again for a year. I'd had second-degree burns, horrible blisters, and was unable to wear anything other than sweatpants for a month. The following winter, when the weather necessitated its use again, I kept my distance. Nowadays, I still exercise caution (especially when naked) around it, but I don't allow my fear to keep me from using it.

As I stood there in the bathroom, feeling some palpable solace in the warmth this contraption now provided, I found my fertility worries melting away too. I got through the rest of the day okay -- though I did wind up crying a little last night and this morning (I'm blaming the progesterone pills my doctor prescribed to reboot my cycle for that). The less power I give these things that hurt me, the sooner I can get back to business.




next: Mom Will Marry for Health Insurance
13 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jenn February 1, 2010, 9:05 AM

What a horribly written article. Does this even have a point?

alice February 1, 2010, 10:33 AM

Sorry, i didn’t get what are you saying. “What if i can’t get pregnant but I want a miscarriage?”

steph February 1, 2010, 10:39 AM

Agree with previous posts…didnt get this article.

angie February 1, 2010, 10:39 AM

Come on Jenn think about it- yes, it does have a point and Julia I hope things work out for you- stay positive!

Gene(s) February 1, 2010, 2:01 PM

Shouldn’t women be waiting to when their cycle is back to normal, especially after getting off birth control, before attempting to get pregnant? Are they trying to have a genetically defective baby as soon as possible? Or a baby that will be healthy? This type of dribble makes women seem so hormone driven, it’s absolutely frightening. Thanks for the step backwards “Moms”.

Anonymous February 1, 2010, 2:46 PM

Alot of you should read it over, didn’t get it the first time. She meant that if her period was late and the preg test was negative maybe she was pregnant if only for a little while and that could give hope that she Can get pregnant

Tesa February 2, 2010, 5:21 AM

Does the title here have anything to do with the article? As someone who’s had a miscarriage I’m completely offended by this article. Why anyone would want to have a miscarriage is beyond me, however I know there are extreme situations. I felt the article title was purely an attention grabber. I am so bothered by this fact, the poorly written article, and that Momlogic felt it should be included in the email newsletter that I am unsubscribing from the newsletter and un-following Momlogic on Twitter. I will also let my Twitter followers know about the poor editing choice here so they can take action as well.
Miscarriage is not something to take lightly. I understand the author may have been dealing with infertility which is it’s own challenge, but the editor’s of Momlogic should have caught this disconnect before they sent it out to their thousands of readers.

Gigohead  February 2, 2010, 7:08 AM

I agree Tesa, The article was poorly written and worded. The folks at momlogic were looking for quick hits to the site.

Robin February 2, 2010, 10:39 AM

Her point was that for a brief, unfortunate split second she wished that she had a miscarriage in her history so that she would know it is at least possible for her to get pregnant. She even said herself how immediately horrible she felt for having thought it.

Disgusted  February 2, 2010, 11:24 AM

As someone who has had a miscarriage, I find this really disgusting. Wishing for a miscarriage?? I get what the mom was saying about hoping to realize that she can get but the wording about a miscarriage was not necessary. As someone who buried my tiny baby after a late miscarriage the last thing that I, or anyone else who has had a miscarriage, wants to see is a crazy headline saying “Wishing for a Miscarriage”.

Spare yourself some dignity Mom Logic and take down this article right away!

Anonymous May 22, 2010, 12:02 PM

i have been trying to get pregnant as well and i get what she is saying. she is not really hoping for a miscarriage. just SOME proof that she can concieve. ive felt the same thing. just for some SIGN. anything. because then it narrows what they can test for and what might be wrong. Im still waiting for answers. because right now its all just a big question mark…

Xaria May 21, 2011, 3:53 AM

That’s way more celevr than I was expecting. Thanks!

Yelhsa May 22, 2011, 11:34 AM

Hey, that post leaevs me feeling foolish. Kudos to you!


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