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Don't Blame Mistresses!

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You might hate me for saying this, but let's get mad at the one who said, "'Til death do us part."

Michelle Bombshell McGee

Dr. Wendy Walsh: Not so long ago, women who had sexual relationships with men who were legally bound to other women were considered social outcasts. Our language clearly illustrated the sexual double standard that existed: While he was a gentleman who "stepped out" on his marriage, she was a whore, slut or home-wrecker (as if he had never laid hands on the wrecking ball himself). My favorite terms for the "other woman" are "mistress" and "kept woman," because they, at least, imply some outlay of financial resources indicative of an emotional connection.

In cultures throughout history, our complicated human social structures have always made room for extramarital affairs. During the sexual repression of Victorian England -- where a high-status woman faced scandal if even an ankle were exposed -- the brothel business boomed. It is estimated that the ratio of prostitutes to males over the age of 18 was 12-1. And most of those young women died early from STDs.

Sadly, the same tragedy is living itself out today in the Indian/Asian sex-slave business. One of the shameful growing pains of feminism is that high-status women are delaying marriage (often to age 30) to pursue a career -- while keeping their hymens intact. The result is a lack of available sexual partners for men who are still required to marry a virgin. Today's version of Victorian England? The millions of impoverished Indian and Asian girls sold into brothels by their own families.

But here in modern America, women have almost as much sexual freedom as men -- and many seem to be happy to use it to the fullest. While the media still pays lip service to the tired refrain, "She's a home-wrecker," women like Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee et al have the freedom to stage tell-alls about their affairs -- thus creating  a new boundary for men. Women who used to be kept secret and sequestered for fear of public shame can now come out of the closet (or Vegas hotel room) and finally blame the one who broke his commitment.

I know you'll beat me up for saying this, but none of these women ever stood at an altar with the wife of her man and made a commitment to honor her. Of course, you can argue that any card-carrying member of the girls' club should honor all women, and that being young, female, single and orgasm-hungry shouldn't give you a hall pass to bad behavior. I totally agree with that. But who really broke their commitment to marriage? The single woman who has never met the wife -- or the guy who met her, married her and made a giant promise to her?

Gentlemen, I hand you the wrecking ball.

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24 comments so far | Post a comment now
Black Iris March 19, 2010, 3:22 PM

I blame them both.
I don’t think the point is who made a promise, I think the point is doing this hurts somebody. That’s the real wrong and both are guilty of it.
I think whether the cheater or outsider is more guilty depends. Most of the time I would say they’re equally to blame. Sometimes I would blame the outsider more for initiating the relationship or pushing it - like Rielle Hunter. Sometimes I would blame the cheater more for chasing the outsiders - like Tiger Woods.
I’m glad we have less of a double standard, but I don’t want to expand freedom to commit adultery to women. So maybe it’s good to insult Other Women a little, so long as we don’t give the guys a pass.

Pamala March 19, 2010, 3:34 PM

I blame them both as well. Gain some self control and have a little self respect, that’s all I have to say.

Sex&SingleWomen March 19, 2010, 3:46 PM

Blame, such a persnickerty construct in this matter. Apart from TW’s gross marital infidelity, clear indicators of high risk sexual addiction, and glaring misogyny, in this context I am appalled by all of these alleged mistresses as whistle blowers for their 15 minutes of fame with their clothes on.

The Mistress is a temporary employee position, qualifications is willingness to do the work — deemed however vulgar and demeaning, experience in clandestine meetings is necessary, low self-esteem and self-worth is mandatory, position requires a lot of time on her back or knees, and payment is based on experience — including flights to exotic places, salacious text messages suitable for saving, and sometimes miscellaneous baubles and gems.

Now, what these women misunderstood is the primary tenet of temporary employee/employer relations — there are no long term benefits and either party may end the employment relationship without stated cause or notice.

I cry foul on these slutty babes who dont play by the rules. They need to take their well-worn tacky butts to community college and take up a new trade instead of trading a@# for cash.

actright March 19, 2010, 4:11 PM

The blame goes both way……

Gail Cooke March 19, 2010, 4:13 PM

I blame both as well…the scumbag who breaks the vows and the low life skank that he’s sleeping with. She knows she is helping to hurt someone and she obviously doesn’t care. Which makes her just as culpable as the man. Just because she’s not married to his wife doesn’t mean she’s not responsible for the pain and suffering she is helping cause. Personally, I think that if there’s a divorce, the mistress should be just as legally responsible. Just like any accomplice.

Yesenia March 19, 2010, 4:55 PM

I’ve always said that it’s the cheater’s fault not the one being cheated with. But for the people aware that the person they are having relations with is commited to someone else, have some self respect.

Fran K March 19, 2010, 6:00 PM

She pursued him!!! She is supposed to be the stronger one! She is in line with Angelina! She knew what she wanted and took it, after she done had all the Doctors. EWWW Her kids have to be proud of her and him!! do they think they are invisable. I feel bad for them. If ALL would think that anything they think about doing how it would look on front page, see if you still want it!! as much

kkitten March 20, 2010, 6:15 AM

a good mistress keeps it private till the end..of life not the relationship..she is a tramp.and will stay that way..if she had even any feelings for jesse she wouldn’t have sold him out for don’t have an affair for money unless you are a hooker..she should have kept her mouth shut. now everyone is running jesse threw the mud..sandras’ a smart woman,she’ll keep her man..hes’ worth it

Anna March 20, 2010, 8:16 AM

It is the fault of both. I however believe that in some cases one is more responsible than the other. Some mistresses never know that they are the other woman and in some cases a sexually starved husband from a failing marriage is given a seduction he cannot refuse. There is also the case of men who prey on emotionally vulnerable women who are too naive to know better then to mess with a married man. I strongly stand by the idea that affairs are a sign of weakness from at least one of the parties. For the men its having a sexual weakness, for women it is an emotional weakness. Either way, when an affair happens it always is one preying on the other. The hunter is sometimes in it for, sexual release, power, money, revenge etc… regardless affairs never end well.

alicia March 20, 2010, 8:37 AM

Its not that what she did was for kindness..she told because sandra, was now funny, out going and at the top of her game.what she did was for greed,poperaddiction. she knew if she became news that she would make money. She is dalusional to think that she can even compete with Sandra in any way shape or form.
She wanted him and to be her is all it breaKS DOWN TOO. I feel bad that she is so lost and has done this along with the man to Sandra…Honestly if she was trying to be kind she would never had did it or told the whole world.

Marie  March 20, 2010, 11:49 AM

If my husband cheated, I would never blame the other woman, she owes me nothing, and as far as I am concerned, she is entitled to seek happiness wherever she can find it (I am not sure that she would find it an inclandestine relationship). He on the other hand, stood before both our families and God and promised me fidelity. I don’t care how beautiful she is or how strong the come on, if he steps out, he is the only one that I would hold responsible. And all indications are that once he breaks his vows once he can and will do it again - he may just be more careful.

tennmom March 21, 2010, 11:26 AM

There is no such thing as a ‘good’ mistress. If she knows a man is married she is as guilty as he.

Jason M. March 21, 2010, 11:41 AM

The married person should take the blame not the mistress. They are both wrong but he was the one who got married and took vows. Some mistresses don’t know the man is married or they say that they love her and that they will divorce the wife. If you love someone why would you make them be “the other woman?”

PlumbLucky March 22, 2010, 7:02 AM

The only way the mistress ISN’T to blame is if she had no idea that he was married…and since supposedly he claimed that they were separated, I’m sorry, but check.

The blame goes both ways. He for breaking his vows, she for fooling around with another woman’s husband.

molly March 23, 2010, 1:04 PM

that’s true I suppose. I’m sure some mistresses don’t even know that they are “mistresses”, and just think a regular guy is interested in them. Men lie too, and can tell a women he’s not married or something. That’s not what happened with Sandra and Jesse though. The mistress knew he was married. Plus you’d have to live in a cave not to know that certain people are married, like Sandra Bullock or Jesse James who is a celebrity in some lights.

Laurel April 22, 2010, 7:28 AM

I don’t disagree at all, in fact I can go into another whole direction away from popular thought and say that mistresses are often what actually hold a lot of marriages together.

Wendy Walsh May 12, 2010, 8:50 PM

Wendy is a cacaca head.

Wendy Walsh May 12, 2010, 8:51 PM

Wendy what color is your cacaca?

herb packer May 15, 2010, 11:03 PM

interesting article, I love reading different opinions, particularly from professional folks….What if, being successful, I seek empowering a lady to lock me in chastity.. I am trying to explore the psychology of that, but it is a very real yearning……

Rashad Baadqir September 5, 2010, 5:05 PM

In today’s world so many couples don’t even respect the meaning esp. in a culture where people have open marriages, and women of privilege sometimes knowingly settle with letting their husband philander at the cost of living the good life. Any time there is that dreadful affair a relationship is never the same and many times you never really know whats going on in other peoples bedrooms.

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