Come on, Montag! Having a baby is so (yawn) 2009.

momlogic's Momstrosity: Word on the gossip street has it that Heidi Montag is fearful her requisite 15 minutes of fame are ticking away. According to In Touch Weekly, a "friend" of the heavily reconstructed star (and with friends like this, who need enemies), told the tabloid, "It seems like she'll do anything to stay relevant." According to this frenemy source, that even means having a baby. Weird: I had a baby and didn't get ANY publicity out of it. When I called the paps to let them know I was changing my umpteenth diaper, no one even showed.

If this rumor is true, Heidi needs to know that anyone can have a baby. Heck, even a man can do it -- just ask Thomas Beatie! But Heidi: Please, please don't bring a child into this world just to get on the cover of People again! Instead, use a few of these tried-and-true headline-grabbing ploys. I'm sure they could whip up a media firestorm much faster.

1) Top the Octomom!
Don't just have ONE kid, have nine, or 10, or .... Heck, depending on whether or not you can find a doc who'll do the procedure, you can go for even more! I can see the headlines now (and the inevitable reality show): "Heidi and Spencer Pratt Plus 20 Brats."

2) Steal some fame!
Never underestimate the effect of a little petty crime. Winona Ryder got some great publicity from her five-finger-discount shopping spree. All you need to do is duck into Fred Segal, tuck some designer socks down your low-rider jeans and your mug shot will INSTANTLY show up on TMZ. 

3 Take to the skies!
Team up with Richard Heene (once he gets out of jail, that is). Have him build you a "flying saucer" and then catapult you into the wide blue yonder. Don't forget to call the media first!

4) Crash the White House!
Team up with socialites Michaele and Tareq Salahi and go to a White House shindig uninvited. Or better yet, crash Buckingham Palace and cause a worldwide sensation! Blimey!