twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Candy Land Makes Me Want to Get a Lobotomy

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This
Should "monotonous," "relentless" and "excruciating" be words to describe a game?

Candy Land

momlogic's Momstrosity: One thing you must know about me: I enjoy hanging out with my just-turned-4-year-old daughter, Lily. In the last year, I've played innumerable rounds of "restaurant" and "princess" and initiated impromptu dance parties. I've also participated in a good deal of hide-and-go-seek -- even if I do tend to use my "seeking" time to put away clutter. However, there's one game that gives me a huge freakin' headache: Candy Land. If you've never played it, consider yourself lucky. 

The game can literally take hours as you pick cards and move your pieces on the way to ... you guessed it: Candy Land -- a sticky environment that looks like a sugary oil slick. Sure, you might get to meet Gramma Nutt or King Kandy along the way, but after that there's nothing to look forward to ... except for it to end. My daughter is literally addicted to the game. Hopefully, Candy Land isn't a gateway game that leads to harder stuff (like Keno).

Amazingly, the game has literally NO strategy, yet Lily has honed her Candy Land skills and has become something of a shark. It's scary. And oh, yeah: It's tedious as hell. 

Candy Land

Lily's Top Five Candy Land Strategies:

1) Use the WHOLE board.
She is a Candy Land genius, so you never know how she might approach the game. Sometimes she moves her pieces backward instead of forward, and she often hops over from one path to another. Or -- suddenly and without warning -- she starts pretending that the board is bed and her playing piece is a baby and then proceeds to give it a bottle. 

2) Have a "Candy Land face."
When she selects a card, she's just like Lady Gaga maintaining a poker face -- only Lily's expression is always one of utter and total elation. Every time she picks a card, she flips out.  ("Purple. I GOT TWO PURPLES!!") Still, that's nothing like what happens when she picks a card with a piece of candy on it. She's sooo excited she must run in to show Daddy. (I use this time to surreptitiously move our pieces closer to the finish line.) 

3) Wear down your opponent.
With every move, Lily has to touch each space. EACH. SPACE. It takes forever. I know it's all part of her scheme to tire me out. The thing she doesn't realize is, I'm already exhausted because she gets up every morning at the crack of dawn.

4) Bluff.
The worst part of the game -- for her AND me -- are the Lose Your Turn squares (the ones with the piece of licorice). When she does end up on the offending square, she does what any high-stakes game player would do: She cries. She's bluffing, of course, but it works every time. The second I let my guard down, she's rifling though the cards looking for one with a picture of a candy on it. 

5) You MUST play with your lucky playing piece.
Pretty much no matter what color piece her opponent picks, she's gonna want that color. During the game, she'll randomly insist on switching out her original selection. If you disagree, she'll just start using your piece instead of hers ... or use more than one, so her piece will have a "friend."

6) Cheat.
Even Candy Land sharks have their limits. After about what seems like hours, Lily starts to get bored. She'll then tell me (no matter where her piece is on the board) that she won. Believe me, I don't argue.

next: 'Toddlers and Tiaras' Star Suffers Stroke
57 comments so far | Post a comment now
chris March 18, 2010, 7:54 AM

Just wait until you get to play monopoly for hours. We’ve even had to stop for the night (after 4 hrs) and finish the next day(still a couple of hours) :-)

Anonymous March 18, 2010, 8:39 AM

It’s a game. Get over it!

Phil March 18, 2010, 10:21 AM

Yes, yes, oh God yes.

I hate Candy Land with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. One day the people will rise up against the vile color-square based oppression of The Lord Licorice, until then every parent should remember and deploy Step 6, often.


Anonymous March 18, 2010, 11:07 AM

That’s it. Then I have kids, I am not buying them Candy Land. Haha!

Anonymous March 18, 2010, 11:08 AM

Sorry for the double post - WHEN I have kids

idiotic idioms March 18, 2010, 11:58 AM

The truly sad part of this is, you have basically summarized every single game that we adults have, from board games to MMO’s, even in real life, which I think of as a game.

Even sadder, you’ve also pretty much summarized most adults strategies for dealing with said games and real life.

Who says that we grow up?

Anonymous March 18, 2010, 12:25 PM

this is dumb.

RamyS March 18, 2010, 12:34 PM

So true…Been there about to start all over again with my 2nd child…Let the good times roll (Sigh…lol).

Anonymous March 18, 2010, 1:16 PM

This lady is encouraging her child to cheat just so she can be done playing with her.
I always teach my kids that cheaters never prosper, as my parents taught me.

Black Iris March 18, 2010, 2:26 PM

This is why God invented other children!!!

We’re too guilty about parenting. Did your mom really get down and play CandyLand with you when you were little?

Wait until the kids are a little older and play games you can enjoy, too.

I look at it this way, I want to show my daughter I enjoy being with her. Therefore I have to do things I actually enjoy.

mollysmom March 18, 2010, 4:59 PM

candy land to you is what chutes and ladders is to me

Dee March 18, 2010, 10:06 PM

At first offended ,being a child candy land lover myself,and yes,STILL am,I found this story and the way it was written HYSTERICAL…how my poor parents aunts and grandmother felt when I asked them to play every day,toting this game on visits to others houses!When you are a child you think everyone feels as you do about things…Lily sees things from her perspective,as she should at age four!How adorable and what a great Mommy you are to indulge her and at the same time have some fun venting with us.

Anonymous March 18, 2010, 11:19 PM

If this lady would take the time to realize the lessons she is teaching her kids during a simple,
“monotonous,” “relentless” and “excruciating” as she put it, GAME, maybe she wouldn’t embarrass herself with writing this ridiculous story that shows she cares more about her current amusement than her childs..

Ben March 19, 2010, 12:35 AM

If you keep letting her play games like that then you are not teaching or introducing to her how the real world works and is… My children got along fine without having to play moronic, tedious and pointless games such as “Candy Land”. So many people allow their children to get the better of them. I suggest throwing the damn thing away!!! You are basically allowing your child to get the upper hand on you and if you think that she will grow out of it, then you are mistaken. Be the adult and show her how to the world is instead of playing candy land and allowing her to beat you. You know that the real world isn’t a free ride, you don’t win every time and not everyone enjoys the same things as you do. You need to incorporate your own likes and dislikes into her life so she will know what you want and what you enjoy as much as you know what she dislikes and enjoys. If not, then you are going to be in for a huge pit fall when she is an adult. She will just continue to do as she did as a toddler well into adulthood and you and her father will regret it…

QueenFrostine March 19, 2010, 6:56 PM

I love Candyland

Stephanie March 22, 2010, 2:32 PM

I think people are getting petty over an innocent article that jokingly portrays a mother’s discontent for a board game. Get a grip, people! If it bothers you that this woman indulges her child a little bit by playing a game with her, get over yourself. Especially you, Ben. I suggest you pull the stick out of your butt and lighten up.

Erin March 22, 2010, 4:38 PM

Why is everyone getting so offended over this article? It’s obviously meant for humor. All of you can honestly say that you’ve never gotten bored of doing something over and over and over and over again with your children? Oh right, I forgot you were perfect. Because I can tell you that I know every line to Peter Pan, and not because I watched it as a child.
It’s a board game people. Get over it. Not something that will stray her daughter off of the path of righteousness and into the pits of hell for not playing by “the rules”.

*Insert excessive eyerolling”

Erin March 22, 2010, 4:41 PM

And Ben, I can tell by your post that your household family times“ must have been as exciting as mud. Sh├Ęs a four year old. Games are meant for four year olds. Hoooly cow.

Hayley March 22, 2010, 4:43 PM

OH MY GOD do you need someone to call the waaaahbulance for you and your incessant bitching?

Jack March 23, 2010, 1:07 AM

I can almost guarantee you that everyone who is overreacting and calling the author a horrible parent don’t have children themselves.

Back to top >>