I would like to thank the Academy ... and my child-bearing hips.

momlogic's Momstrosity: A mom plays many roles: doctor, cook, cheerleader, indentured servant. Each is rewarding in its own way. Each takes a certain amount of acting skill. I know that I'm honing my acting chops every day. I have my 4-year-old daughter, Lily, to thank for that.

Here are the categories for which I would like to nominate myself -- and all moms -- so we can win some Oscar glory. I'll see YOU on the red carpet!

1) Best Performance in the Role of Prison Warden

Scene: Lily is in a time-out for the infraction of writing on the wall. She is crying as if she's been sentenced to life in prison. Her wails break my heart. All I want to do is take her into my arms, tell her it's OK and give her bowl of ice cream.

Lily: "Mommy, I'm sorry. I won't do it again." (She looks up at me, her big, saucer eyes moist with tears, and reaches her arms out for a hug.)

Me (sternly, marching around her tiny child's-chair prison): "You did a very bad thing. I am NOT hugging you right now." 

Lily (starting to hyperventilate): "Please, Mommmy. Pleeeeese, Mommy. Pleeeeeeeese."
(I then walk into the other room and burst into tears.)

Scene: Lily has just painted a picture that looks like she just threw up on the paper. 

Sample dialogue:

Lily: "Mommy, look at my pretty picture."
Me: "Oh my, that is so beautiful. What is that, a house?"
Lily: "No, Mommy, it's you!"
Me: "Oh, that's wonderful."

3) Best Performance in a Non-Emergency Situation

Scene: Lily shows me an almost indiscernible scratch on her arm.

Sample dialogue:

Lily: "Mommy, I hurt myself on my arm."  
Me (dramatically, falling to my knees): Oh my goodness. Let me kiss it and make it better."
Lily: "Um, Mommy? It's the other arm."

4) Best Performance in a Bickering Match

Scene: My husband and I are having a fight. Voices are raised. At this moment I am repulsed by his very existence (the feeling, I daresay, is mutual). Lily walks in, looking distressed.

Sample dialogue:

Lily: "Why are you yelling at each other?" 
Me: "We're having a disagreement. Daddy and I are fine." (Digging deep, deep down using "The Method," I think back to happier times, lean over and give my husband a quick peck on the cheek.) "See, honey? Mommy and Daddy love each other." 

5) Best Performance by Someone Who Is NOT Listening.

Scene: I just got off a grueling day at work and picked Lily up from preschool. She is telling me about her day. 

Lily: "Emma won't be my friend anymore because she put the dolly on the Science Table and I went poo on the potty. I told teacher at circle time I was going to be quiet at naptime but I wasn't. I ate Josh's crackers. We read a story today about a girl princess. Balloon starts with 'B.' Bah, bah, bah, balloon! Matthew, the boy who talks potty talk, said 'booty' and I said, 'No, you cannot say that!'"