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PiscesYour Mother Is an Addict
Here's the deal: my daughter Emily* is good friends with a girl from school named Chloe*. Chloe's a sweetheart -- really a great kid. Her mother, though? Not so great.
Guest Blogger Maria: Here's the deal: My daughter Emily* is good friends with a girl from school named Chloe*. Chloe's a sweetheart -- really a great kid. Her mother, though? Not so great.
I have watched this woman change from a seemingly caring, involved parent to a pill- and alcohol-addicted train wreck, and the effect it's having on her child is heartbreaking. I oftentimes see Chloe at school looking unkempt, unbathed and wearing a thin T-shirt when the weather calls for something warmer. Every time I see her (and I mean every time), she runs up, throws her arms around my waist and begs for a sleepover at our house. It crushes me to see the pleading in her face, so the child pretty much spends the night whenever she wants (in fact, her toothbrush keeps a permanent residence in our bathroom). The last time Chloe was here, I heard her tell my daughter over pancakes and sausage, "You're lucky your mom makes you breakfast. My mom never makes me anything." It made me want to cry.
I'm happy to provide a sense of normalcy for Chloe, but recently her mother has felt the need to reciprocate, and has been asking for Em to sleep over there, too. I feel bad because she's been nothing but friendly -- but there's just no way in hell. My reserve of excuses is running low, and I worry that soon she'll guess what's up (if she hasn't already) -- or worse, that I'll have to tell her what's up. I don't like to think what that could mean for Chloe. You may think I'm being harsh, so allow me to paint a picture of how I arrived at this decision when we last visited Chloe's home. It was for her ninth birthday party:
Usually tidy, the place was cluttered and smelled of cigarette smoke and animal feces. (I almost walked out, but for Chloe's sake, stayed.) Party decorations consisted of a single red streamer hanging on the wall and a "Happy Birthday" balloon tied to the mailbox. Rap music inappropriate for 9-year-olds blared from a boombox, and the only food served was a bowl of greasy potato chips and some carrot sticks. And then there was Chloe's mom, who was present but definitely not "there." She hadn't been around the school for some time, so her transformation was a total shock. She had gone from a healthy woman of 130 pounds to one who was overly thin for her frame. Her face was puffy, she had piercings in her eyebrows and she had dyed her blonde hair the color of a Smurf. Hey, I'm all for self-expression, but when you combine those things with slurred speech, jittery hands and taking pain meds with vodka shots (right in front of her guests, I kid you not), you know something is very wrong. I was literally speechless and knew that Emily's visits to Chloe's house, from that moment on, were things of the past.
I've had experience with addicts before (my own brother, for one), and confronting them is never pretty. They feel backed into a corner -- no matter how compassionate you try to be -- and therefore get defensive, deny everything and take little responsibility for the things going wrong in their lives. That's the nature of the disease. So if I were to level with Chloe's mom, in her mind, she would be the victim, and I the cold-hearted b*tch that needed payback for insulting her. And naturally, she would do that by keeping Chloe from us.
I'm no doctor -- I could be wrong. Maybe Chloe's mother would react differently. But I don't want to take the chance and have Chloe be the one to suffer for it. She's been through so much already. What do you think?
*Not their real names.
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- 11 Comments
I agree with Mandy. If a child is being neglected it’s your responsibility to report it. In most states they allow you to make an anonymous tip. You also might want to let a counselor at the school know what’s going on as well. And keep your home open to that poor little girl, maybe even consider becoming her foster mom if the authorities decide to remove her from her mother’s home. Best wishes for little Chloe!
I agree with Mandy. First off, thank you for helping to take care of chloe because that is what we should do as a human race is to help those in need. The second thing is you need to have CPS get involved. If this child is in any danger from her mom then she needs to be protected. My sister has had her own problem with pills and I worried about my nephews but luckily there was a father in the house and he was able to cover for my sister. If the situation had been different and there wasn’t another adult, I would have taken my nephews until my sister got help. I’m glad to say that she has gotten help and is now the kind of mom she should be.
Are there any of her relatives around? Could you speak to them. I know her mother is being neglectful but I don’t know if calling child services is the answer…yet. I think that after speaking to Chloe’s relatives and maybe having them stage some type of intervention would help. If it doesn’t then Child services would probably be the best resort. Seems like you would be a great foster mom for Chloe. At least you’re someone she knows and trusts. Good luck.
As a child who grew up in the same environment or very close to the same environment, you are doing no one any good posting blogs on momlogic. I seriously resent my family or close friends whom I grew up with that took me in but did nothing. I think about the situation now that I have a child and think how could so and so have just let it continue. I wish someone would have called the cops and took me out of that situation, or have even told me you know what your parents are doing is not right and if you want to talk to your teacher or a counselor at school they can help you. I would have taken that advice and ratted my mom out myself but as naive as this sounds I did not know that was an option. Let me tell you I have a neighbor that has two kids that are in the same situation and I have did everything to get those kids out of the house because I know its the right thing to do. I dont care if I look like the crazy neighbor or a b**ch, The only thing I care about is those kids and making sure they are safe. I could not live with myself if I stood by and later found out that one of their dads drugged out friends got ahold of them. FYI next time you know chloe’s mom is high and she is in the home all you need to do is call an officer out to the home to do a welfare check on the child that is all it takes, also you can tell the childs teacher what you suspect and she has to report it.
I think it is awsome of you to be there for this young girl. I have done the same for a teen I know. She is grown now. I know that she loved coming and talking to me and spending time with me and that made a world of difference to her. My suggestion to you would be to talk to the mother. Since this is something that has not been a whole life issue, maybe she just needs someone to step up and talk to her and guide her. It needs to be done without judgement and from a place of compassion. I would also offer to take care of her daughter while she got help. Ensure her that her daughter will be well cared for and also that you will help her in any way you can. If she does not respond well to this, then I think you do need to call CPS. It is not fair for that girl to live like that. Someone has to step up for her. You are a wonderful mom and person for caring so much about this child. God Bless!
I was Chloe. I was exactly like her. I had no one to help, however, and in most cases the Chloe’s of the world do not end up in a good situation. Chloe is going to grow up to have substance abuse problems of her own if you do not get her out of there. I can say I survived being Chloe. 9 out of 10 cannot say the same, mostly because they are high.
You are not being harsh and I hope you don’t EVER think you are.
I disagree with speaking with the mother. A relative of theirs that you know you can trust, a teacher, the Dept. of Children’s Services, all should be notified. Doing so could very well save this child’s life.
I’m in a similar situation. My 12 year old has an adorable friend, B. The last time my daughter spent the night with her, she called me to pick her up b/c B.’s mom and grandmother were at work & left the 2 girls alone to care for B.’s 2 year old sister & 4 year old brother.
This child once told us that she has never met her “real” dad. The mom had just seperated from husband #3 (the father of 2 of her 4 children) b/c, to quote B.:”Momma and Daddy have been fightin alot, cuz she was hangin out with some guy when she said she was at work.” I picked her up from her house for a sleep-over to find “Daddy” passed out on the sofa, furniture broken, family photos & broken glass all over the floor. Momma & the 3 younger kids had fled to the grandparents’ house,where they all still live. The grand-dad is a truck driver, rarely home. It is not rare for the grandmother to be caring for all 4 kids alone while Mom shops for her next husband.
It was hard to explain to my 2 daughters why I didn’t feel comfortable for them to attend a sleep-over at their house recently. I am not willing to risk my daughters being 2 of 6 (or more) children being watched by one elderly adult.
We always have to be the child’s voice. My sister’s and I had angels watching over us, and luckily I am 30 now and I have my life in order. Both parents were addicts and we were very well in danger on a consistent basis. It wasn’t until I stayed the night at my neighbors house one night, that they realized my parents weren’t home and hadn’t been for a couple days and call CPS. CPS was frequently in my life, which was hard on me, but really saved my life. I had a lot of difficulties in my life to say the least, but it doesn’t matter to what degree the situation if a child is being raised in an unfit environment, it will effect them the strongest the longer they stay. Please help save another child’s life. I know this may be a lot to bare, but this little girl was brought into your life for a reason and all it takes is one brave and strong person to make a difference. I don’t even hold my tongue if a parent hasn’t covered their child enough if it’s cold out. People have become too afraid to say anything, to not get in their business. Well let me tell you, this is the reason why so much chaos is going on. Because not enough people are doing enough. ALWAYS BE A CHILD’S VOICE, through neglect, abuse, anything. Mothers these days have completely lost the way to be a good parent, and maybe it’s just because they are ignorant to the way. Help them, or help them get help. Blessings and Love
I’ve been in that situation more times then i can count leave the door open for the child and call someone for there protection be warned you usually end up raising another persons kids and deal with there angry parents but you also end up with these kids coming to your family gatherings with there new spouses and their children so there’s an up side you have alot more love at the table and an ever growing family for the rest of your life .
I was wondering the same thing
Wow… What a sad, sad situation. It must be so hard to see that as a mother, but also because of that poor child.
I, very sadly, suggest CPS even though that’s not really what you’re asking. I know it would be hard on your child and on Chloe but things could only get worse, and she could be in danger.
I am not saying it is the mothers fault in full. Mental health issues (as I would believe is at the core of this) added to addiction is not something a person can really help. But if getting involved personally could make things even worse, getting professionals involved would be the best. Not only will Chloe be safe but hopefully the mother can get some needed help as well.
If she had always been this way it is one thing, but to watch the transformation first hand sends off red flags.
I wish you the BEST of luck in this situation. I am a stranger, but as a mom also extremely concerned. I hope something changes for the better and that you keep us updated. You have a great heart and I thank you for taking a non-judgemental but compassionate concern with this serious situation.