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10 Must-Have Products for Paranoid Parents

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momlogic's Momstrosity: These days, parents can't be too careful when it comes to child safety. Luckily, there are a multitude of worthless products out there to capitalize on Mom and Dad's most irrational fears!

10 Must-Have Products for Paranoid Parents

Infant Safety and Public Humiliation Helmet

Don’t want your kid to deal with the hard knocks of life? Strap a Thudguard infant safety hat on their head. According to the product description, “Learning to walk in a world of hard surfaces can turn a special moment into a heartrending incident in a flash.” Remember the good ol’ days when everything was so much softer? Neither do we.

Source: Thudguard

Germaphobic Sign of the Times

Here’s a product for those nervous parents who never let another human being touch their baby … unless that person has scrubbed down like a doctor before surgery. My Tiny Hands tells the great unwashed to keep their greasy mitts off your pristine child. Do they sell one for Mom that says “Control Freak?”

Source: mytinyhands

Baby Kneepads: Crawling for Wusses

Floors are hard. Little baby knees are soft. What’s an ultra-paranoid parent to do when their infant reaches the crawling stage? Snazzy Baby Knee Pads are the solution! About as necessary as wheels on a tomato.

Source: kidsafeinc.

GPS: Big Mother Is Watching You!

Thanks to the latest technology, ultra-paranoid parents will never have to wonder where their kid is ever again. Instead, they can pinpoint their child’s precise coordinates on any number of adorable GPS devices.

This gadget has 101 uses! It’s also handy for tracking down that spouse who’s always“working late” — that is, if you can get him to strap a teddy bear to his shoe.

Source: Mom4Life

Walking Wings for Your Puppet

Worried your kid won’t ever learn to walk? According to the Walking Wings description, “This unique harness allows baby to balance naturally and hands-free.” Huh? Since when does “naturally” mean being suspended by nylon straps like some kind of creepy human marionette?

Source: OneStepAhead

Spring-Loaded Pacifier

If you’re a truly paranoid parent, the three-second rule doesn’t apply. On the contrary, anything that touches the ground is immediately sterilized and then taken to the lab for testing. But what about (gasp!) when you actually take your child outside?Keep-It-Kleen pacifiers close up when they hit the ground, thus shielding your purified child from … the world.

Source: Babyearth

Nanny Cam: Spying on the Help Made Easy!

If the person you’ve hired to watch your kid during the work week motivates you to get DIY home surveillance, maybe it’s time to quit your day job and watch your child yourself.

Source: X10

Temperature-Sensitive Onesie

Of course, keeping baby healthy is of paramount concern for any parent. For paranoid Moms and Dads, that means monitoring their offspring’s core body temperature 24/7. Babyglow Sleep Suits change color if baby’s temperature exceeds 98.6°F (37°C). Hyperbaric chamber sold separately.

Source: Gizmodo

Leash Trains Your Kid to Heel

The Kid Keeper Safety Harness/Leash allows overly concerned Moms and Dads to teach kids to “stay.” Perfect for parents who literally want to keep their kid on a short leash! And for truly dedicated “helicopter” parents, the leash harness can expand so it can control even college-age kids ….

Source: Kidsafe

Gag Me! The Choke Tube Tester

Seriously, a device to determine whether an item is a choking hazard? Yep: If an object fits through the opening of the Choke Tube Tester, it could be dangerous to children under 3. Says the product description, “It’s a matter of simple safety and a smart way to prevent accidental choking.” Just one question: Who’s watching the baby while you’re obsessively shoving everything into the tube?

Source: OneStepAhead

next: An Epidemic of Cheaters?
77 comments so far | Post a comment now
Just Me April 12, 2010, 8:20 AM

the helmet one isnt real funny there are many reasons some children need them…my niece had brain surgery for a seizure condition and needed to wear one and many people thought my sister was just being paranoid…

Samantha  April 12, 2010, 8:58 AM

the only product on here that really seemed totally irrational to me was the temperature whatever onesie. i think all the other ones can be completely justified by most parents who may just need peace of mind. if i could get my kid to wear a helmet, it totally would sometimes! we live in a house that has ceramic tile floors, and since i know how hard they are just on my feet and consequently my back, i know they’re probably a little uncomfortable on my little bitty’s knees. my older son always ends up hitting his head on something, and of course i worry because that is my child, and that’s his head. especially on something as hard as concrete. and all the germ-related items….the sign may be a little much, but the pacifier i think is ingenious. if you go into a public place such as walmart, and the pacifier hits the floor, the baby becomes exposed to staph, flu virus, fecal matter, e. coli bacteria…all kinds of things on the floor. and the leash i could only justify if a mother has an infant and one or two other slightly older children (1.5-3 years) and they use it while walking through a big parking lot or something of that sort. it would prevent them breaking away and running in front of a car, and that could put an already cunsumed and stressed mother to a little bit of ease…and isn’t that worth it? we love our kids dearly, and shudder at the thought of them getting seriously injured. i think this article is harsh in that aspect, because it doesn’t address the fact that parenting does bring on all sorts of worries too, but only because we love our kids so dearly. no, we don’t want to put them in a bubble, but keep them safe and prevent illness just by getting a pacifier that snaps closed when drops on the floor…absolutely! call it what you will-paranoia is fine with me..because if something happened to my child -he got severely ill, or got hit by a car, or lost in a park (god forbid i can’t imagine the panic!) and i could prevent or remedy that with one of these products, you better damn well bet that i’d use them.

cottonwool kids April 12, 2010, 9:01 AM

just me, the thudguard is not one of those helmets sold for serious afflictions. It’s sold for parents who can’t handle their kid learning to walk.

Jen April 12, 2010, 9:33 AM

I would use a good portion of those products. Maybe I am a helicopter parent but if you have ever checked familywatchdog or megan’s law on the internet. There are so many bad people out there that you can never be too careful when it comes to your kid. I would use the GPS tracking system on my daughter at any event where there is lots of people and she could get lost. (fair, Disneyland, etc.) I have used a harness on her when we would fly. It let her walk through the airport and I didn’t have to worry about her running off when I have my hands full carrying the backpack, stroller, car seat, food and whatever else that was needed for a plane ride. If you don’t like these products, then don’t buy them for your kids. Some of the products listed, I would never use. But it’s not my place to judge another parent who wishes to use it. If you want to call me a helicopter parent then so be it. But I want to do everything that I can to make sure my daughter is safe. I don’t know about you but if something ever happened to my daughter like getting abducted or the nanny shaking my baby and causing death. I could never live with myself. So BACK OFF, momlogic’s momtrosity!!

PreemieMom April 12, 2010, 10:22 AM

The handwashing sign you highlight is distributed in the NICU to parents of premature babies who are at increased risk for lung complications for at least two years following their birth. My daughter was born at 31 weeks - weight 2 pounds 14 ounces. She was on a ventilator for the first day of her life (lucky compared to many preemie babies). Keeping her from being exposed to respiratory viruses was critical when we took her home and this product was invaluable at opening the door for me to educate strangers about the dangers of germ exposure. If you review the website you link to the company was founded by a preemie mom for the purpose I just described. You should do a little research before labeling parents as “control freaks.”

Mo April 12, 2010, 1:42 PM

What is wrong with you people! Did it ever, ever occur to you that our children are allergic to EVERYTHING because they are exposed to ANYTHING? How many kids did you grow up with nut dairy and wheat allergies? Our parents raised us without all these horrible items. A child LEARNS from falling….why can’t a child learn to balance by holding on to things? Why are you treating your human child like an animal. As a parent I can tell if my child is cold or hot and have no need for clothing to tell me

Rachel April 12, 2010, 1:56 PM

Save your money. Instead of buying the Choke Tube Tester, simply use a toilet paper roll.

Sue April 12, 2010, 3:48 PM

I understand the comedy that can be had at the expense of others, but as a parent of a heart transplant recipient at age 4 months, I have one of the hand-washing signs on my daughter’s car seat and stroller. Because she is immune-suppressed, people with unwashed hands touching her could risk her life. I would appreciate a more educated public then the automatic assumption that people who have these signs on their children’s car seats are just crazy parents who are overprotective and obsessive compulsive. So many people judge so many others without any grounds for those judgments. Remember what assuming does…

Tina  April 12, 2010, 4:29 PM

I don’t think this list is meant to be about parents who have kids with diseases — it’s about parents who use this stuff for no good reason. Everybody chill.

HeeHee April 12, 2010, 6:34 PM

Great for helicopter parents.

jshoreen April 12, 2010, 9:03 PM

We use the a backpack/leash for our toddler. DH is blind, so the leash enables him to keep track of DS when they are out in public.

Whatever April 13, 2010, 7:57 AM

thing is this writer would be the 1st to complain if a child got ill because of a dropped soother, she would scream what a bad mom this baby had how she should have the child taken away. if you get overly worried your a bad parent if you are more laid back then your a bad parent there’s really no winning in this day of parenting

Lauren April 21, 2010, 6:24 AM

I used the handwasing sign with both of my children. I got it after we went grocery shopping and 3 peopleI didn’t know came up to my 3 week old and tried to touch her hands! The purpose isn’t to keep family away, its to keep strangers from giving your baby germs that could be potentially life threatening! Being in the store was enough germs for my baby, I didn’t need their dirty hands touching hers!

lala April 28, 2010, 8:01 AM

The only sensible products are the leash and the walking wings. Some kids are runners, and if I had known about the wings, I would have used them. Not for safety so much, but to save my back all the bending over when my daughter was learning to walk.

To he hyper-sensitive posters, relax. Just because your kid may have had a valid need for a certain product doesn’t mean that every child needs to live in a protective casing. Why would you take this so personally? Unless, of course, you are insecure about what you’ve chosen for your family.

Christie Barnes June 8, 2010, 8:06 PM

Okay, I have to say it—-if you are half as paranoid as I was, you need The Paranoid Parents Guide (coming out in Sept—-Chicken Soup or the Soul publishers doing something pretty funny)

(I wrote it because as a widow with triplet one-year-olds and one aged four when my husband died, I thought I was Supermom who could fix everything—but really I was Paranoid Mom who tried to fix every threat there ever was. So I learned what I should and shouldn’t worry about. To stop parents going nuts about totally unlikely worries.)

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