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momlogic's Momstrosity: These days, parents can't be too careful when it comes to child safety. Luckily, there are a multitude of worthless products out there to capitalize on Mom and Dad's most irrational fears!
10 Must-Have Products for Paranoid Parents
Infant Safety and Public Humiliation Helmet
Don’t want your kid to deal with the hard knocks of life? Strap a Thudguard infant safety hat on their head. According to the product description, “Learning to walk in a world of hard surfaces can turn a special moment into a heartrending incident in a flash.” Remember the good ol’ days when everything was so much softer? Neither do we.
Germaphobic Sign of the Times
Here’s a product for those nervous parents who never let another human being touch their baby … unless that person has scrubbed down like a doctor before surgery. My Tiny Hands tells the great unwashed to keep their greasy mitts off your pristine child. Do they sell one for Mom that says “Control Freak?”
Baby Kneepads: Crawling for Wusses
Floors are hard. Little baby knees are soft. What’s an ultra-paranoid parent to do when their infant reaches the crawling stage? Snazzy Baby Knee Pads are the solution! About as necessary as wheels on a tomato.
GPS: Big Mother Is Watching You!
Thanks to the latest technology, ultra-paranoid parents will never have to wonder where their kid is ever again. Instead, they can pinpoint their child’s precise coordinates on any number of adorable GPS devices.
This gadget has 101 uses! It’s also handy for tracking down that spouse who’s always“working late” — that is, if you can get him to strap a teddy bear to his shoe.
Walking Wings for Your Puppet
Worried your kid won’t ever learn to walk? According to the Walking Wings description, “This unique harness allows baby to balance naturally and hands-free.” Huh? Since when does “naturally” mean being suspended by nylon straps like some kind of creepy human marionette?
If you’re a truly paranoid parent, the three-second rule doesn’t apply. On the contrary, anything that touches the ground is immediately sterilized and then taken to the lab for testing. But what about (gasp!) when you actually take your child outside?Keep-It-Kleen pacifiers close up when they hit the ground, thus shielding your purified child from … the world.
Nanny Cam: Spying on the Help Made Easy!
If the person you’ve hired to watch your kid during the work week motivates you to get DIY home surveillance, maybe it’s time to quit your day job and watch your child yourself.
Of course, keeping baby healthy is of paramount concern for any parent. For paranoid Moms and Dads, that means monitoring their offspring’s core body temperature 24/7. Babyglow Sleep Suits change color if baby’s temperature exceeds 98.6°F (37°C). Hyperbaric chamber sold separately.
Leash Trains Your Kid to Heel
The Kid Keeper Safety Harness/Leash allows overly concerned Moms and Dads to teach kids to “stay.” Perfect for parents who literally want to keep their kid on a short leash! And for truly dedicated “helicopter” parents, the leash harness can expand so it can control even college-age kids ….
Gag Me! The Choke Tube Tester
Seriously, a device to determine whether an item is a choking hazard? Yep: If an object fits through the opening of the Choke Tube Tester, it could be dangerous to children under 3. Says the product description, “It’s a matter of simple safety and a smart way to prevent accidental choking.” Just one question: Who’s watching the baby while you’re obsessively shoving everything into the tube?