As I approached the Value Dollar Store, I noticed several signs on the door. One read, "Under New Management" and another -- about knee-high, or the height of a beagle's head -- read, "No Dogs, No Cats, No Pet's." I am 48 years old, and I can tell you with great certainty that I have never seen a cat in a store. Nor have I ever seen a cat tied up outside a store while the owner shops. But apparently this store has had a problem with cats. They must have had a problem with pets bringing in their belongings, too (as is implied by the apostrophe). Maybe the cats left behind catnip or squeaky toys.
What's equally mysterious is the way the owners protect their crappy inventory of ceramic cupids, bad-smelling lotions and cartons upon cartons of measuring cups. "Front Door," says the door as you walk through. As far as I can tell, there's only one door for a customer to use -- it's the front door -- so why do the employees need this sort of information? What is the cashier doing in the back of the store, anyway? Counting cupids? Dusting cupids? If I drive a truck through the front of the store, will the system announce, "Front wall"? Or, if I enter through the drugstore next door using a buzz saw, will the system say, "Side wall"? And if I leave with a dozen cupids under my jacket, isn't that a banner sales day -- even if the offset is just an insurance claim?
Given the general ambiance of the store and the extra-thick accent of the cashier, I think the owners were probably offered a "free security system when you order 10 gross ceramic cupids before June 15." Having no idea when Valentine's Day is -- or whether 10 gross Americans will rush in for cupids before the rent is due in July -- the owners are just the sort of people who would "check here." This is not to say that they're not hardworking. Nor am I suggesting that they deserve to go out of business because their store smells bad, or because their shelves are lined with bad decisions. But I do think they should take care of their cat problem. Maybe that would eliminate the smell.