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PiscesMy Son Is Having Surgery ... on His EYES!
How do I break the news to him?
Kristin Bailey Murphy: My son has something called "strabismus." It basically means his eyes "wander" whenever he's trying to focus on something in the distance. It's not a big deal, really (it doesn't affect his eyesight), but it does need surgery to be corrected. We brought him to a specialist several times when he was younger, who said his eyes would either correct themselves over time -- or get worse. Well, they have definitely gotten worse: When we talk to him, we're never sure if he's listening, as his eyes seem to focus somewhere near our ears.
We've never mentioned anything about his condition, because we didn't want him to get a complex. His classmates, however, are another story. The little darlings have been making fun of him, and lately he's been coming home asking if his eyes are "crossed." So, long story short, surgery has been scheduled for the summertime, after he gets out of school. We don't plan on telling him until it gets closer to the big day, but even then we don't know how -- or what, exactly -- to tell him. Number one, he is a huge weenie when it comes to doctors (just like his mama), and I don't want to give him unnecessary anxiety over the procedure. And two, it's his EYES we're talking about here. Wouldn't you creep out at the thought of someone going near them with a scalpel? (Ugh, I cringe thinking about it!) Poor little guy.
Oh, wise readers of momlogic.com -- I need your advice. Surgery for strabismus is a simple procedure, but how do I get that point across to a 7-year-old with a major needle phobia? It's so not gonna be pretty when we break the news.
How can I word this so he doesn't freak out?!
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Kristin Bailey Murphy is a writer and photographer who lives in Southern California with her surfer husband and three children. She is an accidental stay-at-home mom who's addicted to books, hiking and Target. |
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First, it is great that you are thinking about this ahead of time and seeking advice! Your concern in doing this in the best way possible is a huge step in the right direction for helping your son cope with surgery and teasing.
I am a graduate student in Child Life, a profession that uses knowledge of child development to help children cope with stresses related to healthcare. Know that this is a common situation for many children in the hospital, and that you are not alone. Also know that there are many resources to help you through this, and that you have more rights in the hospital than you may realize. You are your child’s best advocate.
Your son is aware that something is going on- he gets that kids tease him at school, and he understands a little bit why (he knows it has to do with his eyes). Children at this age want to fit in with their peers and seek to be competent and successful. It sounds like your son is concerned that he is not fitting in well, and that it is concerning him and possibly leading to anxiety and maybe even changes in performance at school. Talk to your son’s teacher and see if she has observed rude behaviors from your son’s classmates, and ask her to promote acceptance and tolerance of differences (including physical) in the classroom through stories, writing activities, and discussions.
About the hospital: Poster above is correct- studies show that children who have more knowledge of what is happening the hospital environment cope better. The key to this, however, is timing. As your son is only 7 years old, it would be best to wait until the surgery is closer before discussing in detail what will happen, in order to prevent anxiety over the coming months. A good way to start is by telling him that his eyes need help to work, and that he is going to get special help for his eyes. A good way to introduce this further is through a tour of the hospital about 1-2 weeks before the surgery. Call the hospital and ask to speak with a Child Life Specialist in the Child Life department. Tours are common and help children reduce anxiety of the unknown of the hospital setting.
About the surgery: You mentioned that your son is needle-phobic. This is totally normal for children (and even adults). Most children, no matter what the procedure, are most terrified of a shot or of an IV stick. This is because children do not have a concept of eye surgery (or chemotherapy, or spinal surgery, etc) but they understand shots, as they have likely had vaccinations. Here is what is key in providing your son with information: tell him what he needs to know. For example, he will feel and see the IV in his arm, he won’t see or feelthe surgery. It is not necessary to tell your son the details of the surgery (scalpels near his eyes) because he will be under anesthesia (although there will be recovery- this is important to discuss with him, before the procedure). This level of detail is too specific and not necessary for such a young age. He will see the anesthesia, so a good way to describe this is that he will get “sleepy medicine” to help him not feel anything after the doctors help his eyes. (if doctor is a scary word, you can say something else that you decide, such as eye helper, eye fixer, etc) Be sure to avoid saying medicine that will “put you to sleep” since most children understand this this is a euphemism for something quite different. In preparing him for the hospital, talk about who he will encounter (doctors, nurses, technicians, cleaning staff, administrators, child life specialists) and the sensory experiences he will have. Awareness of new stimuli will help lessen the burden of being overwhelmed.
Finally, stay calm as much as you can, and reassurre your son that you will support him the whole way. Providing your son with as many reasonable choices and control will help him feel in control in an otherwise daunting situation. Good Luck!
You also need to know that he will have very little to NO contact with needles. I’m assuming he will be going somewhere that caters to children, with pediatric anesthesiologists, etc. Most pediatric ophthalmologists would ONLY do surgery in such a place. As a pediatric surgical nurse, I can tell you that we gently hold an anesthesia mask near their face…they drift off to sleep….THEN the IV is started. Often, the anesthesiologist will even let you go into the room with him and hold him on your lap while he goes to sleep - just ask ahead of time to learn their policies. BUT, you have to be a calm, cool parent if you want to do this! Also a common misconception, the needle does NOT stay in their arm - it only helps to guide the IV catheter into place. Once in the vein, the needle is removed, the tiny plastic IV catheter gets taped into place - NO needles! And quite often, pain meds are given via suppository before they even are good and awake - after that, maybe some liquid pain medication. I seriously doubt he will even see a needle. It all sounds very scary, but pediatric surgery has come a long, long way - just make sure you are going to a surgery center or hospital that is kid-friendly - often, they welcome tours and give child-friendly “classes” on what to expect - just ask around!
Check out www.4sightonline.org
Send an email the president - she’s fantastic, and is a great source for information. She was born with cataracts and had eye surgery as an infant, years later her own daughter was born with congenital cataracts in both eyes and had her first surgery when she was 13 days old.
They know the ins and outs of the hospital procedures, recovery, etc., and she’ll have some great tips to help make things less traumatic.
My daughter had surgery for strabismus twice. Once for the outside muscles and once for the inside muscles of her eyes. We told her she was having surgery and let her ask questions that we answered as simple as possible. She had “happy” juice before they poked her with anything, and to this day has no idea she was even had an IV.
But no matter what you tell your child you need to present it in a CALM manner. You come across as a basket case in the article, your child will react however you are reacting.
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My son is 3 and a half years old and he has the same problem. He was not born with it we noticed it a little after his second birthday. after going to multiple different doctors and getting different opinions i decided to stick with one that seemed to actully care about my son and not the money. After several appointments with exams patching and stronger glasses they decided it would be better off if he would get the surgery because he was still young. He got the surgery last wednesday and im not going to lie the recovery was a little hard because he was so small. Alot of people would always ask and he would look down because he knew we were talking about him and even kids at his daycare would ask what was wrong with his eye so i really wanted to do it.I got him ready for the surgery by telling him the doctors were going to fix his eyes. I hope this helps you out because his eyes look great. just get several opinions before u stick with one doctor
WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait .. …
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I’m glad, that i found your website, there are a couple of interesting posts
My daughter who is 10 was born with a cleft lip/palate and has already had 4 surgery and now she has one sheduled for next month. I have always talked to her about this (her other surgery were at 4month, 11 months,2yr and 4yr and she doesn’t remember much about them)so she would know that there was more surgery to come. Please tell your son sooner than later and get some books about hospitals and surgery so he can learn more about it and help lower his anxiety. I also think he should understand it now so if his classmates tease him, he know what to say to them. My daughter luckily hasn’t had a lot of teasing in school but I taught her at a very young age that if someone questioned her about her speech or the scar above her mouth what to say and explain to them. You do your son no favor by keeping him in the dark about his medical condition.