Ever wanted to peek into the brain of Nadya Suleman, a.k.a. Octomom? Wait, don't answer that ....
Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey tried to get to the bottom of how Suleman, who appeared on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" via satellite, had gotten herself into the predicament of being a single, unemployed mom of 14. During the hour-long interview, Oprah suddenly said that she'd had an epiphany. "Other people have addictions," mused the talk-show queen. "You are addicted to having children." Nice point, Oprah, but I surmise that Nadya is addicted to something else ... and it ain't legal. There's no other way to explain her bizarre daytime television appearance.
Put simply, Octomom is either hopped up on goofballs or off her rocker ... or both. Here's why:
1) She NEVER sleeps.The behind-the-scenes footage of a typical day in Suleman's life started at 5:54 in the morning and ended at 5:00 the next morning. During the entire 24-hour cycle, the woman never slept. Nor did she drink a cup of coffee or soda. Suleman told Oprah that she only gets three hours of sleep a night. How does she do it? By "taking deep breaths throughout the day," she said. Did she mean through her nose?
2) She believes that she's the supreme leader of a utopian society. Suleman exhibits the classic narcissistic tendencies shared by many of the world's greatest wackos -- all she's missing is a tinfoil hat. Nadya told Oprah that her children give her comfort because, "Kids won't leave you. You can create this safe, predictable little society. I created this village -- my own little safe, predictable, safe village." Just substitute "village" for "cult."
3) She's delusional. Nadya said that she would never consider putting her children in foster care or up for adoption, because she has the ability to meet all of her children's needs. Yet her house (which resembles a poorly run orphanage) is filled with screaming children yearning for attention. At one point, Calyssa, one of her 3-year-old twins, attempts to squash an octuplet like she's stomping grapes. Maybe somebody could handle her situation. Unfortunately for those poor children, it's not their mother.
4) She's manic.The day-in-a-life footage of the Octomom featured her feeding and herding her kids around like an energetic Border collie. How does she unwind? Well, technically she doesn't. "I will journal from two in the morning to five in the morning," she said. Hmm ... obsessively writing in a journal until 5 AM when your kids get up then? Sounds freaky ...speed freaky.
5) She's a compulsive liar.Either she has clothespins holding up her face and a chronic allergic reaction that permanently swells her lips, or this chick has been under the knife. Yet she continues to deny that she had plastic surgery. And let's not forget that (suspiciously flat) belly: If she lost the baby-weight naturally, what did she do with the four excess yards of skin?
6) She dresses like a giant baby herself.Q: What woman would allow herself to be filmed in horizontal-striped, union-suit pajamas and giant bunny slippers? A: One who is certifiably insane ... or has a fetish for giant onesies. Seriously, on Oprah that's what you wear?! WTF?
7) She has a split personality.One of her personalities talks about working toward her master's degree and drops words like "erroneous," "enshrouds," "duplicitous" and "deleterious." The other claims she had no idea that food stamps count as government assistance. "I was receiving food stamps with the six children for one year," she said. "Once I found out it was affiliated to welfare ... I terminated them." Did she cancel the food stamps, or her other personality, Sybil, do it for her?
8) She's paranoid. Cloistered in the prison of her own making, Nadya is fearful of how the outside world perceives her -- particularly her nannies. When asked by one of Oprah's producers if she has ever worried that a nanny who hasn't shown up has possibly quit like the others, she flipped out. "No one's quit!" she said. "Who's quit?! Who's quit?! No one's ever quit! I fired everyone who's not working for me anymore. No one's ever quit." Maybe they're just buried under the floorboards ....