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What?? Some Men DON'T Want Sex?!

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Dr. Michelle Golland: Why are people so shocked when husbands don't want to have sex? It is not such a shock to me. I see it in my office a lot. I see men who are just as tired and exhausted as us women -- and being too tired is one of the first reasons why the sexual desire of men can decrease. However, this contradicts our cultural beliefs about men and sex. The myth that men will have sex anytime, anywhere --and with anyone -- is simply untrue. The myth about women "having a headache" and trying to get out of sex as often as possible is another myth that's not always true.

The problem with the myth about men is that it can stop them from reaching out when they are having low-libido issues. Men are embarrassed and ashamed and unwilling to reach out to their partners or their doctors about these issues. If your man is turning you down for sex, don't assume it is because he is pulling a Tiger Woods/John Edwards/Jesse James/etc. It may be due to one of these other reasons ....

Reasons why men don't want sex:

What?! Some Men Don't Want Sex!!


Antidepressants or blood pressure medications can cause low libido as well impact sexual functioning.


Men are impacted by hormone levels.These are the tests to request: free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG and total testosterone levels.

Lack of Sleep

When men are young and in their 20s, sex will outweigh sleep but as men age, work harder and have kids, a good night's sleep can sound better than sex.Hey, they aren't so different from us!

Turned Off

Some men will reject sex that isn't fulfilling.This can be related to specific things his partner is doing or not doing -- but instead of discussing these issues, he shuts down.

Identity Issues

When men feel unsuccessful in their work or in their role at home as husband and father, they can lose interest in sex.This can be related to feelings of depression and anxiety about their life and identity.Also, big losses for them such as a death of a family member or a job loss can lower their libido as well and cause depression.


Some men punish their partner by refusing sex when there is conflict within the couple.They also may just be unable to muster sexual feelings when they are angry and frustrated with their partner.Again, not so different from us!


With porn and the Internet, this is a more recent problem for couples.Men who are using the Internet for masturbation much more often than partnering for sex -- this can become a real issue if this is frustrating the partner.This is one of the first clues to a possible sexual addiction issue.


Stress can impact men greatly, especially given our current economic situation.Financial issues, work challenges, parenting dilemmas, fertility issues, health concerns also play a factor.

Friends and Not Lovers

As couples move into real long-term marriages, we can switch to feeling like just good friends and lose the sexuality that brought us together in the first place.We think that sex should just happen and forget that WE NEED to make it happen.

Difficulty with Sexual Functioning

These issues involve the physical aspect of our partner's sexual organs.Are they having erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation issues?Many men are even embarrassed to reveal this to their wife, so rather than deal with the issue they avoid sex all together.

next: Mom ROCKS! PR Maven Kelly Cutrone
15 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anon April 15, 2010, 7:12 AM

Or maybe it’s because you’ve had one too many Double Downs.

John April 15, 2010, 7:42 AM

I know, as a male, that if my partner is exceptionally hard to please (like it takes 1-2 hours to coax out a small orgasm) I will avoid sex, if I don’t have the energy to put in all that work (I’d feel bad if I was the only one that has an orgasm, too)

Danielle April 15, 2010, 11:41 AM

Or you’ve gained weight, people who are bored and then have sex probably have boring sex.

tennmom April 16, 2010, 12:33 PM

I have a stronger libido than my husband. It may be that he is 10 years older and has gained 30 lbs. since we married 3 years ago.
I don’t like being the one to instigate sex so often. I’m used to the previous (3, don’t laugh at me, ha!) men in my life becoming aroused just by touching me or looking at me.
I do what I can regardless because I love the man and I love sex.

Bruce Sallan April 17, 2010, 9:26 AM

I know my libido has diminished with age and it pisses me off! Getting old stinks in so many ways and this is one of ‘em that I hate. My wife, on the other hand, is still going strong. We’re trying to find that balance and I love her for it. She’s also had her share of physical distractions so we’re both having fun with “middle age” - lol.

Good blog Dr. G!

Gensex April 18, 2010, 2:05 PM

All of you are goofs. Get a sex life.

sandra b April 20, 2010, 5:39 AM

sex is underated!!! thats what i would say if my man could just get it up……very frusrtating.

Tony April 20, 2010, 6:26 AM

The real reason a man doesn.t want sex is his wife / girlfriend is a waist of time in bed. I have had many great lovers and several women who are so stupid they can’t have great sex.
The worst are Jewish women. They think great sex is laying there doing nothing. I feel abd for any guy who gets stuct with one of them…

Ron May 2, 2010, 9:53 AM

Married 43 years and hadn’t had sex in 30 of those years. We were vigins when we met and when we were married there was no sex on wedding night or on our honey moon. Wife said she wasn’t ready and scared. We finally had sex about 6 months later. We had a lousy start for a married couple. When we did have sex I couldn’t figure out what the big deal with sex was. I felt it was ho um. That was when I decided that I wasn’t impressed with sex. I only did it cause my wife finally enjoyed it. And my wife wasnt willing to experiment, she wanted it one way and that was that. Well I was so bored with the whole thing. About that time I was transfered to the night shift and week end was 1 day mid week. We didn’t really see each other much and sex diappeared. Started having ED problems and other issues for which I took med for. Being without much of a libido to start with the meds totally wiped out the rest. Wife misses sex but I can’t help her out and I don’t want to. For us its much better without sex.

bunny May 9, 2010, 10:19 PM

How funny i just had this discussion whit my husband last night he doesnt know what is happening to him but since we return from a great vacation, and now back to stress work life.
hes ben not into sex at all,for the last 3 weeks but i really belive its the stress and so much work!

Thank for this blog info it gave me some confort! that we could work on!

Kelsey August 10, 2010, 4:31 AM

Some men have a low libido to start off with. My husband and I have dated for 8 years and we have been married for 3. We’re 27 now we’ve been together since we were 17 years old. He was a virgin and so was I. Honestly we find that we love each others presence (laughing,crying,fighting,cleaning,cooking… etc.) than sex. We waited until a month after we became married and had sex. It was nice, I admit, but we have sex once a month basically. We work together and we’re always together so I know he’s not running that “night-shift” if you know what I mean. Some times I don’t want sex. It’s just nice sitting there and cuddling while we watch a movie or play a video game (seeing we’re game designers, we still have an interest in video games). He also seems to feel the same way. I swear every day we always have those long 2 hour gut wrenching laughs that make you want to fall to the floor and cry. There’s much more than sex. Sex is OVER rated.

drake October 8, 2010, 4:43 PM

I read an article than men like sex less and less because the modern woman is more confident and comfortable with her own sexual needs and desires, and that makes men wilt. It makes sense

ugh January 25, 2011, 6:03 AM

What does the woman do when its been over 10 years. I’ve heard everything in the book.Yes he’s stressed to the max and over weight . I’ve been ever so faithful. I’m now becoming so hurt because he tries nothing at all to help himself. He’s been to the doctor, blood work etc. Okay. I’m sure some meds he takes don’t help. But what about my life? It’s resulted in me now becoming angry. February 16, 2011, 10:39 PM

[T!9X6g4,, movie,

Meow March 22, 2011, 7:11 PM

I am torn between Kelsey and ugh’s comments. I am having issues on the home-front. I am engaged; we are due to get married next month. I love him- as Kelsey does her spouse; but I am afraid I will turn like ugh has….I want it at least a few times a week. I am LUCKY to get it 4x’s a month. It’s not always great, but I’d be happy if he even SNUGGLED….but alas, he doesn’t like that. I feel :down: each night that it doesn’t happen and question how life will be in 1 year…and then in 40. I DON’T want to be angry, but darn it, I’m frisky and want some follow thru, closeness….touching….something!!

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