Dr. Michelle Golland: Why are people so shocked when husbands don't want to have sex? It is not such a shock to me. I see it in my office a lot. I see men who are just as tired and exhausted as us women -- and being too tired is one of the first reasons why the sexual desire of men can decrease. However, this contradicts our cultural beliefs about men and sex. The myth that men will have sex anytime, anywhere --and with anyone -- is simply untrue. The myth about women "having a headache" and trying to get out of sex as often as possible is another myth that's not always true.
The problem with the myth about men is that it can stop them from reaching out when they are having low-libido issues. Men are embarrassed and ashamed and unwilling to reach out to their partners or their doctors about these issues. If your man is turning you down for sex, don't assume it is because he is pulling a Tiger Woods/John Edwards/Jesse James/etc. It may be due to one of these other reasons ....
Reasons why men don't want sex:
What?! Some Men Don't Want Sex!!
Antidepressants or blood pressure medications can cause low libido as well impact sexual functioning.
Men are impacted by hormone levels.These are the tests to request: free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG and total testosterone levels.
Lack of Sleep
When men are young and in their 20s, sex will outweigh sleep but as men age, work harder and have kids, a good night's sleep can sound better than sex.Hey, they aren't so different from us!
Some men will reject sex that isn't fulfilling.This can be related to specific things his partner is doing or not doing -- but instead of discussing these issues, he shuts down.
When men feel unsuccessful in their work or in their role at home as husband and father, they can lose interest in sex.This can be related to feelings of depression and anxiety about their life and identity.Also, big losses for them such as a death of a family member or a job loss can lower their libido as well and cause depression.
Some men punish their partner by refusing sex when there is conflict within the couple.They also may just be unable to muster sexual feelings when they are angry and frustrated with their partner.Again, not so different from us!
With porn and the Internet, this is a more recent problem for couples.Men who are using the Internet for masturbation much more often than partnering for sex -- this can become a real issue if this is frustrating the partner.This is one of the first clues to a possible sexual addiction issue.
Stress can impact men greatly, especially given our current economic situation.Financial issues, work challenges, parenting dilemmas, fertility issues, health concerns also play a factor.
Friends and Not Lovers
As couples move into real long-term marriages, we can switch to feeling like just good friends and lose the sexuality that brought us together in the first place.We think that sex should just happen and forget that WE NEED to make it happen.
Difficulty with Sexual Functioning
These issues involve the physical aspect of our partner's sexual organs.Are they having erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation issues?Many men are even embarrassed to reveal this to their wife, so rather than deal with the issue they avoid sex all together.
|Dr. Michelle Golland is a USC graduate and a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY#16974). She works with adults and teens and is an expert in the field of marriage and relationships. Dr. Michelle Golland has given her expert advice on CNN, HLN, MSNBC, ABC, and FOXNews. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two wonderfully exhausting children.|