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Pisces10 Things Never to Say to a Woman Trying to Conceive
Bethany Sanders: There are the "Fertile Myrtles" (women who get pregnant with ease). And then there are the rest of us.
Conceiving our first child wasn't easy. A year had passed since we'd started trying, and it seemed like everyone around us was getting pregnant. Scratch that: Everyone around us was getting pregnant, and even though I was happy for them, it hurt.
Whether it's due to infertility or just bad luck, failing to conceive can be stressful. It's hard enough to face that lonely pink line every month without having friends and family rub it in with well-meaning "advice." If you know someone who is trying to conceive, here are 10 things you should never say to her -- and one thing that you probably should.
Many people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say, so I'll make it easy for you.
What every woman who is trying to conceive wants to hear: "Congratulations! You'll be a great mother."
What every woman who is trying to conceive -- and failing -- wants to hear: "I'm sorry. I love you. What do you need from me?"
What's the worst thing someone said to you when you were trying to conceive?
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We tried for 2 years before I got pregnant with our beautiful baby boy. A few weeks before I discovered I was pregnant, my mother-in-law said to me (on Mother’s Day) that I shouldn’t count on something that might not ever happen.
The title is 10 things never to say, but I only see the 3 things you’re supposed to say. As a “fertile Mrytle” with friends who are struggling, I really want to know what to say.
The just adopt was very hard to hear. It can take years.
Colleen,
The best thing to do for your friends is be a concerned pal. Let them open up to their heartache and fears and just be there to listen. Tell them that you are supportive of whatever they decide to do. Luckily we live in a time were there are so many options, but how to confront infertility is still a very a personal decision.
BOO HOO!!
Aw, you can’t conceive. How sad. Instead of selfishly “continuing your genes” and popping out a baby no one wants or needs, why not adopt a kid that NEEDS it? Or foster? People who breed disgust me. “I need to have a kid that came from ME because NO ONE ELSE IS GOOD ENOUGH.”
Foul.
By far my favorite so far: “Do you think you are too skinny to get pregnant?”
@Ash: Not everyone can afford the up-front costs of a private adoption, and not everybody has the emotional stamina to care for an abused or neglected child with such intense psychological scars as those who frequently end up in the foster care system. For those who do/can, it is a noble option that many will pursue. But it is not for everybody.
How about “So you still got your period, huh? I thought you were trying to conceive.” YES WELL IT DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT FOR SOME OF US, if it will ever happen at all. We don’t need to be reminded that every month that our period shows up is another failure in TTC.
Great article and thanks for posting it.
I had to have a complete hysterectomy at 19 years old (it was either that or bleed to death). My husband (boyfriend at the time) comforts me as I still have a hard time with this - All I ever wanted from the time I was 4 years old was to become a ‘Mom’ & there are still some nights that I cry myself to sleep. My husband has been in the Navy for 13 years now (doesn’t make enough for us to even foster). We don’t have the money to adopt & fostering still costs money (more than if we did have any kids of our own). So, while I don’t feel the pain of someone trying to conceive, I definitely feel the pain of wanting to me a ‘Mom’ & instead having your heart literally hurt every time you see a pregnant woman.
@ Ash & Anon; Grow a heart!
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
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I can remember hearing “It takes older women longer to conceive” and “It takes an older woman longer to adjust to going off the pill”. NOT what a woman who just turned 33 wants to hear. The second time I heard “At least you have one.” “You have a boy, any child now would be a bonus”, “You’re choosing not take fertility treatments, what do you expect?” and once my 36th birthday passed “Some women stop having babies once they turn 35”. After 18 months we stopped trying and gracefully accepted that God wanted us to only have one child.
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Pay no attention to what the critics say… Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic!
We did get pregnant (after a year of fertility treatments) & then had a miscarriage. I was SO devastated & several people said “at least you know you can get pregnant”. Yeah, that helps a LOT. Also, another favorite was “if you just relax/don’t think about it, it will happen”.