Paul Starke: Although it's technically Melissa's second Mother's Day, Luke was only 3 weeks old last year, so we're treating this like her first one. I really don't know what to get her. An iPod? That's more of a birthday/holiday gift. Cash? Too detached. I want to get her something like I got my mom, thirty years ago: a cheesy coffee mug that says "Mom" on it. It cost about $4 back then, but my mom still drinks out of it to this day. Since I can't think of the perfect gift, I'll do -- or get -- my wife 12 things that I hope will add up to something special:
1) Get her a spa day (although not at the sketchy massage parlor I went to recently).
2) Make breakfast in bed. By "make," I mean "order takeout," and by "in bed," I mean "sitting at a table."
3) Take her away for a romantic weekend. I don't care where we go, as long as it's nowhere near either of our families. I hear St. Louis is lovely in the spring ....
4) Get her tickets to "9 to 5: The Musical" -- and if she takes a friend instead of me, it's a win-win.
5) Buy her some new bras (another win-win). Although the term "nude bra" sounds sexy, it really isn't.
6) Read to her at night. If you saw the film "The Reader," you know that apparently this is erotic. (Although I'll be reading her passages from Kathie Lee Gifford's new autobiography ....)
8) Get her a steak-of-the-month-club membership. I'm sorry, I just don't see how someone delivering meat to your door every month is a bad thing. So what if she's vegan?
9) Wax any part of my body for her. There's really so much to choose from. My wife deserves that one part of my torso be non-Wookielike.
11) Instead of pretending to listen to her, I'll actually listen. This one might be tough to pull off ....
12) Get her a "Mom" coffee mug from me and Luke -- because I can picture her drinking from it 30 years from now, too.