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Moms: Here's How to Hate Sex Less

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momlogic's Julie: When I have written love/sex stories for momlogic in the past, I have always been struck by how many of our commenters have lost their sexual desire. They're too tired and stressed out by the kids and the housework to even want to HAVE sex, much less enjoy it.

How to hate sex less

Here's a sampling of the comments our readers have shared over the years:

Jessica: "At the end of the day -- after stress from three kids whining and complaining, my mother feeding me horror stories from the newscast of the day, looking at the bills I struggle to pay and finding time for housework -- I'm so tired all the damn time. If we do have sex, we have to hurry before one of the kids wakes up for a feeding, or one has a nightmare. It's quite ridiculous."

Stephanie: "I am in a sexless relationship and I am a 37-year-old woman with five kids. My oldest child is a freshman in college, and my youngest is 2 years old. My husband is very disappointed because we used to have sex all the time. I am worried that my husband will step out of the marriage, but I just don't have the desire of wanting sex."

Lynn: "After carrying a baby for 10 months, and hours of labor ... and then he complains about no sex? I say: 'Change some diapers, take out the trash and then rub my back, and maybe we can talk about sex!'"

MHurst826: "My husband and I had a micro preemie, and our lives changed forever .... She is home now, but preemies are extremely demanding. Between the extra meds, machines and constant germ-banishing, I simply don't have the energy for sex."

Anonymous: "OK, give me a personal chef, personal trainer, personal assistant, housekeeper and a couple of nannies, and I'll make some time to think about sex."

Phmommyof2: "Sex .... What's that?? I have two kids, a job, a house and what is left of my social life. It doesn't leave much for passion."

Sherrie: "Maybe the husbands can get off their butts and help around the house and with the kids, and maybe we would be less angry with them and actually want to have sex with them. See, they only work 9 to 5; moms never stop working. Sex in the kitchen or in the laundry room, right? Not! The only thing on my mind in those rooms are doing dishes and doing laundry, or, 'Are the kids going to wake up and ask for a drink or for me to wipe their butt?'"

Tiredmomof4: "I agree that hubbies really need to do more domestic chores to get us between the sheets. Why is it that if we are too tired to have a sex life, we are the ones who have to 'fix' it? If I had more time to primp, and if hubby spent more time on revving my sex drive, I'd jump in the sack every night raring to go. I'd love to have someone cook, clean, grocery shop and tend to kids all day for me, then bring me a glass of wine after work. My sex drive would be through the roof. The real issue is being sidestepped most of the time, since it deals with inadequacies in how men treat their wives. Maybe things will change if more of us talk about how we need to be treated better. We can only hope."

Sarah: "My husband and I used to have sex two or three times a day when we were dating ... now we're lucky if it's two or three times a month. It's not that I wouldn't love to have my old sex drive; it's just not there anymore. I know some of it is weight gain after the kids, and he's tired from work, but it takes a lot of effort to even get in the mood anymore."

Shannon: "With all that needs to be done to maintain a house, work full-time, laundry, food shopping, errands and continuing on towards a graduate degree, there is NO time or desire for sex -- personally, from a female point of view, it is overrated!"

OK, I'm a mom of two, so I totally get it -- but it still bums me out that so many women have lost their desire. And that's the inspiration behind our new weekly column: "Hate Sex Less!"

I'm not saying ALL moms hate sex, mind you -- but this column is for those of you who aren't as into a night of lovemaking as you used to be. Maybe you lost your desire after childbirth ... or are just too exhausted to muster up the energy anymore. This column will give you short, quick tips on hating sex less.

This week's guest expert, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner (of "Today" fame), is the author of six sex books -- including his latest, "Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again."

Here are Dr. Kerner's top three ways for moms to HATE SEX LESS:

1) Try it, you'll like it! "Sometimes you have to just put your mind and body through the motions," Dr. Kerner says. "When someone says they're too tired for sex, or they're too busy, it usually just means that they're not putting in the effort to stimulate desire. But sex actually isn't tiring; it's rejuvenating. Many women 'want to want' sex ... they just don't. The same is often true of guys. Sex begets sex, and ruts beget ruts. It's like going to the gym: When you stop doing it, your natural testosterone levels lower, and you just get used to not doing it. So try it, you'll like it."

2) Bring your sexy back. "Figure out what you need to do to feel sexy: a day away from the kids, some new clothes, a good workout," Dr. Kerner advises. "Sexual desire is directly related to self-esteem, and when you're peed on, pooped on, puked on and haven't showered in two days, it's hard to feel sexy. So take some action on behalf of the woman inside the mom."

3) Tell your husband to engage in some "choreplay" instead of the usual foreplay. "Studies show that parts of the female brain associated with stress and anxiety need to deactivate in order for a woman to enjoy sex," Dr. Kerner says. "And what's more anxiety-producing than a hamper full of laundry and a sink full of dishes? Encourage your husband to grab the dishrag instead of copping a feel."

Tune in next Wednesday for our second installment of "Hate Sex Less!"

Now it's YOUR turn: What do you do to hate sex less?


next: Protect Your Teen Boys from Predator Teachers!
27 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous May 26, 2010, 3:51 AM

I agree with Ian on #1. Even when I’m not in the mood, I still go thru the motions and usually I can relax enough to enjoy it. My husband and I alway had a great sex life (married 17 yrs) until last year when I started going thru peri-menopause and stated experiencing anxiety with it (never had anxiety before) and now we only have sex once maybe twice a week. I would love to go back to 3-4 times a weeks but with my body changing, I’m just trying to get used to that. I look forward to the rest of your articles and please remember that kids aren’t the only reason some of us aren’t as interested as we should be, sometimes it’s just age.

Anonymous May 26, 2010, 6:04 AM

I heard Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey say she and her husband have sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I agree that the more you do it, the more it becomes second nature. I really wish my husband would stop asking to have sex and just make a move! If you ask me and I have to answer with my brain, I’ll say no. If you ask my body through touch, I can never say no! I’m printing this article and taking it home so he can understand me a little better.

Jilly May 26, 2010, 7:18 AM

So right about the asking me verbally…i feel like a hooker when he walks and and says, “So, you wanna come back to the bedroom?” There is no build up, no romance, no desire being stoked….it is robotic to me, BUT I realize that life is not always perfect and so I will make myself go….what do you know, I like it!!!!
I also def agree with helping out or just making it known how appreciated all we do is to them. Acknowledgment of the work we put into the kids, the home, etc….Also, guys..if you see a mess, don’t walk away, pick it up…a little initiative to lighten our load works wonders!!

Summer May 26, 2010, 7:39 AM

I can’t imagine hating sex! I am a mother of 2~ 5yrs and 2 yrs and I def indulge as much as possible (which is at least once a day)! The only thing I can say is enjoy it while you can~ we aren’t going to be young forever and neither are our men :)!!!

M May 26, 2010, 9:09 AM

Buy a vibrator! Learn to take of yourself first…let him follow your lead.

MP May 26, 2010, 9:35 AM

Great article, i am glad someone posted this on here.

Anon May 26, 2010, 9:53 AM

whine, whine whine

j May 26, 2010, 1:10 PM

I went for awhile not liking sex because of body issues and having a child just made it harder, but this past year my husband and made a deal that we would have sex at least once a week and just by doing that my husband has actually helped out more around the house and with our 2 year old. When he does that it makes me want him more and so our sex life just keeps imporving. i really agree with #1. Just get back into the habit because men feel closer and more connected when you have sex and the closer connected they are to you, the more they are attuned to your needs.

Danielle May 26, 2010, 1:56 PM

I get stressed and can tackle the sex like a fire cracker…it’s all the housework that gets behind. I have 3 kids. I just had a baby recently (my third kid) and recovered to have sex again full swing, 6 days after. I’d say for myself getting the most out of it for my own personal needs it would be to go get a massage one day at a spa to relax me. One day I’ll go…until then I’m still taking on the challenge of juggling the kids who are all under the age of 4. Definitely not planning on having more.

Anonymous May 26, 2010, 2:56 PM

I’m sorry but anyone who says they had sex 6 days after having a baby is not someone’s advice I can or want to take seriously…I could barely sit down after 6 days!

Black Iris May 26, 2010, 5:38 PM

I really hate the whole, women, just do it even if you don’t want to thing. I seriously doubt Ian Kerner has ever forced himself to have sex. I mean have you ever seen anyone tell guys, “Don’t bother with Viagra if you aren’t in the mood, just use a dildo”?
Maybe the advice should be, give him a chance to try some foreplay, and he agrees that if it doesn’t work, you can stop, no fuss, no foul.

black iris May 26, 2010, 5:44 PM

There’s a huge variation in terms of how much moms seem to be having sex. Maybe we need to accept that parents are going to have less sex, especially in the first few years. That’s not the same thing as actually hating sex and never wanting it at all.

TnAmommy May 26, 2010, 7:27 PM

I am so tired of reading about women who loathe having sex. Seriously?!?!?! Come on…embrace it, love it, try it, you’ll like it, he’ll like it, and you just might all be happier. Stop holding it over his head, and he just might quit holding some things over your head too. Nothing makes me smile more than a little flirting or kiss in the afternoon or during dinner, letting me know that there will be two happy parents crawling in bed together at night, committed to each other and the relationship that started this whole happy family in the first place. You have to nurture the love you had first. We all love our children, but remember the love that brought them to you and nurture that love first. Yeah, I’m tired some nights, and a lot of mornings (because of the nights…hint hint), but gosh it feels good to share that closeness with someone. We need to quit making excuses about this that or the other .

Jack May 26, 2010, 8:21 PM

Honestly I cant relate I am a man First off. Honestly if u aint fit when u start young its hard as hell when ur old. Fit dont only mean muscles and a juiced up sexlife. Spiritually emotionally and physically. I see more women be hard on themselves. Why do the moms, homemakers be so hard on their routine, they have no time to enjoy life. Most women think its a woman only problem. WRONG. Fellas take some of that burden off ya personal queen. Fit in all aspects of our lives is important too. Sure us fellas get comfortable and dump it all on the wife. Thats cruel and even worse breaking the household up. Fellas if u want that love, quit chuggin down so many cold ones, hangin wit the fellas so hard, appreciate that queen in ur home and you should have energy for love. Love urselves, each other and most of all GOD. P.S. Fellas women are ours to love not to make our personal slaves. It is teamwork not out for self.

anne May 27, 2010, 10:27 AM

I love the term CHOREPLAY! that sums up the root of so much frustration my mom friends express when they talk about no sex drive. My advice to them is to a) lower their standards b) get partner to do more chores c) hire a housecleaner if they can afford it. Then spend that time relaxing, so you can actually give yourself time to get in the mood! I’m part of a moms blog talking about sex, too so check us out: http://www.momsinbabeland.com/

dee May 28, 2010, 10:41 AM

Maybe you hate it because… you’ve never gotten off? I mean REALLY. Do not trade chores for sex (how sick is that?), do not with hold as a punishment. I always wonder where women like this got their attitudes about sex and healthy relationships. You don’t have to want to screw all the time. Sometimes you have to stop bitching about how rough things are and how sleepy you are and take some time to enjoy yourself and your dude. Give me a break. Crap like this makes me ashamed to be female… “how to hate sex less”, I mean REALLY. I agree with anon. Whine, whine, whine. Choreplay, seriously? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Love yourself and your partner. Sex is not a bargaining chip, you sickos! What are you teaching your kids about love and marriage and above all, MUTUAL RESPECT?!

Amy May 29, 2010, 4:52 PM

This title makes me very, very sad. If you really HATE sex, you might want to see a doctor.

Anonymous June 2, 2010, 11:11 AM

You women tend to be a little selfish, your husbands aren’t on a picnic when they leave home, they are working their butts off to earn, AND THEY STILL WANT SEX FROM YOU…Isn’t that great?? And biologically and scientifically haven’t u read women are more sexually active than men?? If you just stop looking at your household work like a mess, and if you stop looking at your husband like he just wants sex..you might ignite a little fire within!! I know some men are a$$holes who just never want to help..thats mean!! For the rest who are nice to you, respect them…don’t forget you are growing older by the day, a day missed is a day missed forever! Just cuddle up in bed and begin to kiss softly for 5-10 minutes…i am sure a lot will rush within ur bodies! :-)

SS June 5, 2010, 1:38 AM

I definitely agree that the key to women enjoying sex more is, as you referred, choreplay.

I don’t understand how this can be called whining, especially if it’s coming from a woman. Are you kidding? How old are you?

Having children is but the most physically draining job for the stay at home mom, but unlike their husbands, it’s completely emotionally draining as well. Women aren’t slaves, and as much as I’m sure they appreciate their husbands making the dough, they aren’t tools to be used as well.

If this position was reversed and a woman was making the money, I believe she’d be more inclined to help the father at home because it’s all about understanding each other. Compassion.

Just because someone makes the money in the house, does not give them a free pass to demand sex when they want.

^ to the comment above, it’s quite obvious what you want. Enjoy your unhappy marriage.

Melayahm June 12, 2010, 12:08 AM

For all those of you who used to love sex and now don’t because you’re too tired, I sympathise. For those of you who still love sex, kids or not, work or not, I envy you. And for those like me, who have never enjoyed sex, either you’re asexual or you have some hang ups, and yes, I am seeing a therapist, after all these years, because I love my man and yet I don’t give him what he wants because I can’t fake it to make it. Its nothing to do with having a kid (only one), or housework (I do very little of that), its just me. Most self help information assumes that you must love sex, at some point in your life, and you’ve just ‘gone off it’. FOr some of us that isn’t true, its just how it is, unless you get some proper help, and not just platitudes. Just my two penn’th


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