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Moms: Here's How to Hate Sex Less

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momlogic's Julie: When I have written love/sex stories for momlogic in the past, I have always been struck by how many of our commenters have lost their sexual desire. They're too tired and stressed out by the kids and the housework to even want to HAVE sex, much less enjoy it.

How to hate sex less

Here's a sampling of the comments our readers have shared over the years:

Jessica: "At the end of the day -- after stress from three kids whining and complaining, my mother feeding me horror stories from the newscast of the day, looking at the bills I struggle to pay and finding time for housework -- I'm so tired all the damn time. If we do have sex, we have to hurry before one of the kids wakes up for a feeding, or one has a nightmare. It's quite ridiculous."

Stephanie: "I am in a sexless relationship and I am a 37-year-old woman with five kids. My oldest child is a freshman in college, and my youngest is 2 years old. My husband is very disappointed because we used to have sex all the time. I am worried that my husband will step out of the marriage, but I just don't have the desire of wanting sex."

Lynn: "After carrying a baby for 10 months, and hours of labor ... and then he complains about no sex? I say: 'Change some diapers, take out the trash and then rub my back, and maybe we can talk about sex!'"

MHurst826: "My husband and I had a micro preemie, and our lives changed forever .... She is home now, but preemies are extremely demanding. Between the extra meds, machines and constant germ-banishing, I simply don't have the energy for sex."

Anonymous: "OK, give me a personal chef, personal trainer, personal assistant, housekeeper and a couple of nannies, and I'll make some time to think about sex."

Phmommyof2: "Sex .... What's that?? I have two kids, a job, a house and what is left of my social life. It doesn't leave much for passion."

Sherrie: "Maybe the husbands can get off their butts and help around the house and with the kids, and maybe we would be less angry with them and actually want to have sex with them. See, they only work 9 to 5; moms never stop working. Sex in the kitchen or in the laundry room, right? Not! The only thing on my mind in those rooms are doing dishes and doing laundry, or, 'Are the kids going to wake up and ask for a drink or for me to wipe their butt?'"

Tiredmomof4: "I agree that hubbies really need to do more domestic chores to get us between the sheets. Why is it that if we are too tired to have a sex life, we are the ones who have to 'fix' it? If I had more time to primp, and if hubby spent more time on revving my sex drive, I'd jump in the sack every night raring to go. I'd love to have someone cook, clean, grocery shop and tend to kids all day for me, then bring me a glass of wine after work. My sex drive would be through the roof. The real issue is being sidestepped most of the time, since it deals with inadequacies in how men treat their wives. Maybe things will change if more of us talk about how we need to be treated better. We can only hope."

Sarah: "My husband and I used to have sex two or three times a day when we were dating ... now we're lucky if it's two or three times a month. It's not that I wouldn't love to have my old sex drive; it's just not there anymore. I know some of it is weight gain after the kids, and he's tired from work, but it takes a lot of effort to even get in the mood anymore."

Shannon: "With all that needs to be done to maintain a house, work full-time, laundry, food shopping, errands and continuing on towards a graduate degree, there is NO time or desire for sex -- personally, from a female point of view, it is overrated!"

OK, I'm a mom of two, so I totally get it -- but it still bums me out that so many women have lost their desire. And that's the inspiration behind our new weekly column: "Hate Sex Less!"

I'm not saying ALL moms hate sex, mind you -- but this column is for those of you who aren't as into a night of lovemaking as you used to be. Maybe you lost your desire after childbirth ... or are just too exhausted to muster up the energy anymore. This column will give you short, quick tips on hating sex less.

This week's guest expert, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner (of "Today" fame), is the author of six sex books -- including his latest, "Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again."

Here are Dr. Kerner's top three ways for moms to HATE SEX LESS:

1) Try it, you'll like it! "Sometimes you have to just put your mind and body through the motions," Dr. Kerner says. "When someone says they're too tired for sex, or they're too busy, it usually just means that they're not putting in the effort to stimulate desire. But sex actually isn't tiring; it's rejuvenating. Many women 'want to want' sex ... they just don't. The same is often true of guys. Sex begets sex, and ruts beget ruts. It's like going to the gym: When you stop doing it, your natural testosterone levels lower, and you just get used to not doing it. So try it, you'll like it."

2) Bring your sexy back. "Figure out what you need to do to feel sexy: a day away from the kids, some new clothes, a good workout," Dr. Kerner advises. "Sexual desire is directly related to self-esteem, and when you're peed on, pooped on, puked on and haven't showered in two days, it's hard to feel sexy. So take some action on behalf of the woman inside the mom."

3) Tell your husband to engage in some "choreplay" instead of the usual foreplay. "Studies show that parts of the female brain associated with stress and anxiety need to deactivate in order for a woman to enjoy sex," Dr. Kerner says. "And what's more anxiety-producing than a hamper full of laundry and a sink full of dishes? Encourage your husband to grab the dishrag instead of copping a feel."

Tune in next Wednesday for our second installment of "Hate Sex Less!"

Now it's YOUR turn: What do you do to hate sex less?


next: Protect Your Teen Boys from Predator Teachers!
27 comments so far | Post a comment now
Guesty McGuesterson July 17, 2010, 6:18 PM

Whine, whine, whine is right. You think you have it hard now? Try being a single mom when your husband goes looking for a woman who does want sex.

“Choreplay?” Like the other commenter says, when your husband goes to work, he’s not going to a party. Why not cut him some slack on this? You seem to think that you have needs, while he only has wants.

Allie July 21, 2010, 8:03 AM

Jack will you marry me or clone you. You’re a dream. Not blaming the guys but sometimes the typical male things are of putting. Women’s lives change drastically after children and sometimes men will not make transition with grace. They want to give nothing up and they do not sometimes see or appieciate what we give up to have a family. Both men and women are equil partners in the team, both need to take equal responsibility and give to the relationship the time and energy it deserves.
Nothing stays the same including sex. It takes maturity to get that, for women it is not a choice it’s an imperative so should it be for the father.

Allie July 21, 2010, 8:24 AM

Btw men who think being the sol financial support is a sacrifice on their part will get nowhere with that attitude. It assumes their wives contribution is less and they are doing her a great favor. You fathered the children your wife has had, you have the responsibility to care and support those children. Your wife stays home and gives the best care and love to your children. In terms of monitary support, you come out ahead. you coul hire a baby sitter, maid, cook, cab etc to care for your children and get rid of the drain on your finances. Your salary is no more valuable than a wife’s contribution. If that’s what makes you think you are entitle to be serviced guess again. Apprieciation will go a long way without it you get what you diservere.

Allie July 21, 2010, 5:39 PM

Btw men who think being the sol financial support is a sacrifice on their part will get nowhere with that attitude. It assumes their wives contribution is less and they are doing her a great favor. You fathered the children your wife has had, you have the responsibility to care and support those children. Your wife stays home and gives the best care and love to your children. In terms of monitary support, you come out ahead. you coul hire a baby sitter, maid, cook, cab etc to care for your children and get rid of the drain on your finances. Your salary is no more valuable than a wife’s contribution. If that’s what makes you think you are entitle to be serviced guess again. Apprieciation will go a long way without it you get what you diservere.

Allie July 21, 2010, 5:41 PM

Jack will you marry me or clone you. You’re a dream. Not blaming the guys but sometimes the typical male things are of putting. Women’s lives change drastically after children and sometimes men will not make transition with grace. They want to give nothing up and they do not sometimes see or appieciate what we give up to have a family. Both men and women are equil partners in the team, both need to take equal responsibility and give to the relationship the time and energy it deserves.
Nothing stays the same including sex. It takes maturity to get that, for women it is not a choice it’s an imperative so should it be for the father.

fred August 15, 2010, 1:23 PM

look - you got married which means you owe the “marital debt” (conjugal relations) to your spouse. you are to be fruitful and multiply, God willing. stop complaining about how tough it is, how tired you are, blah blah blah. you signed up for this, now get on with it. as it has been said, men commit to monogamy in marriage, not celibacy. get off the contraceptives, be more feminine, and make your man happy.

teenmom October 4, 2010, 6:30 AM

I cant speak for anyone else but the little wet mess sex makes down there is enough to turn me off…. of course the extreme weight gain doesn’t help as for tip 2 excersise goes ha ive tried its impossible i always end up with akid under me goes Ive been trying for over three years to get a child free day or night as for just do it ussaully leaves me pissed i have another mess to clean


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