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No SPANX!

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momlogic's Vivian:

spanx

Skirt season has FINALLY descended upon us. And as temperatures -- and hemlines -- rise, you'll have to contain your disgust at my chunk at it goes ga-dunk-a-dunk'n down the street, because CHECK IT: I'm saying "no thanx" to SPANX. And here's why.

First off, I have to let you know that I am not a skinny person. Nor do I, in common-law estimation, quite qualify as fat. I'm somewhere in the middle, with some body parts that are passable for public examination and others that could stand some serious improvement. Among those parts is my ample Armenian behind. Yep: I'm one of those "pear-shaped" chicks with decent arms, an OK tummy, skinny shins ... and a big ol' ass.

Now, don't get me wrong: It's not like I always feel like wearing this ass with pride. Sh*t, most days, I don't even embrace it. Like a gerbil on a wheel, I sweat away many a morning at the gym to keep it in check -- yet it continues to mock me and my size-four intentions. That said, you'd think I'd be ready to get down on my knees and praise the inventor of SPANX for all the wonders they achieve for people like myself. In the least, I should make a point of buying her a very strong drink.

But here's the rub: SPANX are still GIRDLES. And I have an innate existential opposition to girdles. They were invented by men who hate women. Back then, they didn't come in cute colors or with lacy flair. They came in two colors: nude and nude. I happen to harbor painful childhood memories of watching my poor mom suck in her breath and deny her legs circulation as she shimmied into one of those medieval torture devices. And I vowed back there and then that I would never subject myself to that kind of discomfort just because I wanted to be more attractive to men.

Now, I'm sure it's not this way for the skinny SPANX endorsers -- the Gwyneth Paltrows of the planet. But for me, putting on SPANX is akin to trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. It requires a lot of hoisting and hopping up and down to look a half-size thinner, while experiencing some serious discomfort. Sit down in SPANX, and the waistband instantly rolls over, creating an inner tube of belly chub that's discernable to the outside world, should you be wearing a garment close to your skin. And what about how they choke your thighs so hard that the flesh on your things ooze outward? Neither comprise looking good or having fun.

Hey, I'm just grateful that the era of anorexic waifs has passed, and that my sisters, the Kardashians, have put us fat-bottomed girls on the map. This way, I don't have to keep my business to myself. So unless I'm in a rare situation where my vanity outweighs my good sense, I'm saying "no thanx" to SPANX. Who's with me?


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64 comments so far | Post a comment now
Danielle May 24, 2010, 5:31 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow works her butt off!! She burns the calories she takes in. Just because she cares how she look and feels doesn’t make it right for you to point a finger at her…..anorexic, bulimia and everything else that is fake SHOULD BE, including silicone and injections, and druggies.

I’m petite and have gained my fair share of weight, and when the weight is gone I have a short torso and I’ve wanted the Japanese body shaper they sell on infomercials. I just don’t want my tummy being the reason I have to wear baggy or thicker material. It’s not like I will be wearing something like that forever. It helps you set goals on what you want to work on.

Hollie May 24, 2010, 6:41 AM

Amen!!

Tara May 24, 2010, 10:04 AM

I’m a size 16/18 and will still wear them bc I like looking seamless. Otherwise you get that cellulite look and that’s just sloppy.

Anonymous May 24, 2010, 1:52 PM

Diff. strokes for diff folks. I don’t do spanks and don’t intend to but for others that want to, more power to them. It’s all good.

Anonymous May 24, 2010, 2:12 PM

i don’t know what gywneth paltrow does, nor do i care. i will never wear this stuff. i am not tiny but i am athletic. eat better, exercise and be happy and healthy. not everyone was made with the same shape and we should be happy about that instead of trying to get everyone to look the same.

Anon June 6, 2010, 10:00 PM

Actually girdles in different incarnations have been worn by both men and women. In fact the male girdle is currently seeing a surge within fashion so I think to state that girdles were designed by men who hate women is a little off.

Leese June 8, 2010, 10:05 AM

I will wear any shape wear to keep me smoothed out under my clothes. I am a 14/16 and I want to look put together at all times. My sister’s are smaller than me sizes 4 and size 6 and they wear them too. Got to have those clean lines.

All hail to Assets, Spanx and Kymora! Rah!

jane  June 13, 2010, 6:10 PM

I feel like i am the real inventor of Spanx! Since high schhol, anytime i get a run in a pair of stockings i cut them off a little above the knee and wear them under my clothing for a seamless look. they work like a spanx but don’t feel like a girdle as stockings are thin! I run a shopping site with my sister liz lange where we post fashion, beauty and acessories every day. we have lots of fashion and shopping tips -(www.shopafrolic.com).

seattlejenny July 17, 2010, 10:05 PM

thank you!
i just read an article about how to dress slimmer for summer and every option involved wearing “body shaping” underwear. it was sad. summer is too hot for spanx.

Tampafind November 12, 2010, 1:14 PM

From what I read…the author…was wishing to be skinnier than the spanx could make her…so..from what I read she was wearing too small of a size..

even me at a size 7…if I wear a size 5 anything…it is gonna make rolls and not fit properly..and be uncomfortable…

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