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Are Children Dog Replacements?

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Baby Brewing
momlogic's Momstrosity: This onesie (available at Baby Brewing) made me wonder: Do couples ever debate over whether they should have a baby or just get a dog? 

The truth is, both are unbelievably similar ....

8 Dogs That Act Exactly Like Children

Crying and Whining

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1) Crying and Whining: Chihuahua

To simulate the crying and whining of a baby, the yapping, yelping, and growling Chihuahua is a must-have. These demanding little canines, just like infants, believe the world revolves around them and get pissed off if you even attempt to engage in any activity that doesn't include them, like showering, reading a book, breathing, eating, or thinking. Just like a baby!

Potty Training

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2) Potty Training: Irish Wolfhound

One of the most exasperating parts of parenthood is the proliferation of poo. A human child will need to have diapers, pull-ups, underwear, and bottoms wiped for at least three years. That's why, if you're going to "play parent," you've got to get yourself an Irish Wolfhound. According to trainpetdog.com, wolfhounds "keep confusing their potty places because they think that it hardly matters where they potty." Welcome to "parenthood"!

Drooling and Spit-Up: Bulldog

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3) Drooling and Spit-Up: Bulldog

From snot to drool to spit-up, when you have a kid, ALL their bodily fluids become yours for the wiping. Enter the bulldog, a dog that will drench you and your house with endless streams of drool and slobber for a lifetime.

Hyperactivity: Jack Russell Terrier

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4) Hyperactivity: Jack Russell Terrier

To mimic a kid's bounding energy, a Jack Russell terrier fits the bill. These dogs, says dogster.com, are "Freakishly athletic and bursting with energy." Exactly like an overtired toddler hopped up on multiple high-fructose juice boxes.

Discipline: Pit Bull

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5)Discipline: Pit Bull

If there are no bad dogs, does it also mean there are no bad toddlers? Not quite.  That's why a pit bull is the perfect stand-in for the toddler mentality of "my way or the highway." Preferably, get a pit that's hard of hearing to really simulate the way kids can "tune out" their parents. Good luck.

Trashing Your Home: Great Dane

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6) Trashing Your Home: Great Dane

You know how they say "When you have kids, everything changes"? They're talking about your home. To recreate the "redecorating" a small child does on your nicely decorated abode, the Great Dane is a terrific substitute. Voted the most destructive dog in a U.K. survey, Marmaduke will stain carpets, rip sofas, and chew cables, as will a real kid.

Grooming: Poodle

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7) Grooming: Poodle

To maintain your kid, you have to be vigilant with grooming, bathing, trimming nails, and brushing hair and teeth. That's why the high-maintenance poodle will simulate the oodles of time you'll need to keep your kid clean and clipped. (If your poodle-baby is a girl, be prepared for battles with the hairbrush and plenty of fussy bows just like you'll have with the real thing.)

Toys on the Floor: Siberian Husky

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8) Toys on the Floor: Siberian Husky

Kids leave their stuff everywhere. When you have kids, your entire house will be covered in toys. Everywhere you look, you'll find tiny LEGOs, puzzle pieces, and trains, planes and automobiles. Constant evidence that tiny people live in your house. The Siberian husky also leaves a bunch of stuff lying around: hair. These dogs shed a LOT. You'll find hair and fur all over your clothing, upholstery, carpeting, under your furniture, on your countertops -- even in your food.


next: Vintage Video: Amanda Bynes Equals Comic Gold
4 comments so far | Post a comment now
Beka June 23, 2010, 6:31 PM

All of my siblings-in-law got puppies before having kids, sort of as a practice round. My husband and I skipped the puppy and jumped right in to having kids. I think the puppies are good practice, but after having a kid, I am glad we skipped the puppy. Kids make enough messes and poop enough, I don’t want to clean up after a dog, too.

AngieC June 23, 2010, 6:47 PM

I have had several Great Danes. They’ve NEVER destroyed anything in my house. Way better behaved than any child. I am so glad I Skipped the kids and went straight for the dogs. I never want a baby.. I don’t want to take away from my spoiled pooches. :-)

Jenny June 23, 2010, 11:50 PM

I have a 23 month old daughter and a 22 month old pit bull, my pit bull is way more well behaved then my kid. My little girl beats the crap out of my dog then uses him as a pillow. they are two cute and so sweet together.

Danielle June 24, 2010, 5:45 PM

I’d never let a dog in the house they smell bad, no matter how well behaved. I have healthy children that don’t keep me up at night, all under the age of 5, 3 little kiddos. 3 is my limit no matter how sweet they are. I only have 2 hands ^_^ I’ve been saying for years that people treat their babies/children like people treat mini sized purse dogs. They want to be ooed and awwed over …. babies are cute but that shouldn’t be the reason to decide to have them!!


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