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Confessions of a New Stepmom

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Stepbomb: A bomb went off the day my husband gave a courtesy call to his ex-wife to tell her we were getting married. It was an atomic-rivaling explosion we didn't see coming. (When you find out more, you'll bitch-slap us for being so naive!) After several years of dating long distance, he put a ring on it and I ventured cross-country for love -- and, apparently, for an involuntary starring role in "The War of the Roses, Part 2."

Confessions of a Stepmom

Look out, Kathleen Turner: This ex-wife gives you a serious run for your money!

I knew there'd be baggage and a certain amount of drama. I mean, c'mon -- fiance + divorce + ex-wife + new wife + kids does not equal a walk in the suburban park. I just didn't see it coming so fast. It was like that bacne that -- boom! (bomb-pun intended) -- shows up on your wedding day (or maybe that was just me).

I'd barely stepped one foot into my new city when we got the e-mail laced with threats of suing for full custody. Wedged between profanities (I never knew you could put those two curse words together ...) was something about how there would only be one mother in this family. I looked around at my clothes spilling out of the cardboard boxes and had a temporarily insane thought of my own: I could still leave ....

But I loved my fiance and his children more than I knew I could love anyone. And I wasn't going to walk away because his jealous ex had her panties in a bunch. And despite her reactionary behavior, I could understand how she could feel threatened and insecure (I promise, I could!). And as I began to unpack, I hoped that one day, this would all blow over and we'd be cheering side-by-side at soccer games for the children we both loved.

"Stepbomb" is a new weekly column on, written by a new stepmom. Check in next Wednesday for the next installment.

next: I'm Fed Up With Drunken White Moms!
12 comments so far | Post a comment now
hallscout June 30, 2010, 2:05 AM

Jim, you definitely need to change your divorce lawyer, let me recommend do not waste time and money.. choose a better divorce lawyer, sorry to hear about this and you will have better times soon.

Kelly June 30, 2010, 7:01 AM

I’ll be very interesting in reading this weekly. I’m dating a man with children and a crazy, irrational ex-wife. I can just imagine her reaction when she finds out we plan to get married next year!

Robyn June 30, 2010, 8:30 AM

I can totally relate to having to deal with an insane ex-wife! I married a very sweet man whose ex-wife has gone out of her way to make sure I do not have a relationship with my step-daughter, however as my step-daughter has aged (she is now a teenager) the ex’s tactics have totally backfired!

Micaela  June 30, 2010, 10:19 AM

Ugh! As soon as my husbands baby mama (not even ex wife)found out we were getting married, she went & filed papers stating he never paid child support & was garnished. He had to prove that he had been paying child support the entire time (Which took a lot of time, energy, & some $$), he started getting it garnished, but get this-since she is on welfare & refuses to work, welfare gets all the money & she only gets $50, AND he pays less. Ha Ha

anonymous June 30, 2010, 10:31 AM

Hope you guys manage to work things out in the long run. I have to ask, though, did he cheat on his wife? Date before the divorce was final?

anonymous June 30, 2010, 1:21 PM

@Michaela - I think it’s sad that you’re cheering because your husband’s child has less money.

Jen June 30, 2010, 6:07 PM

Wow why is it that it there is always a crazy ex wife? I, myself is not one of them!! My husband’s ex is for REAL crazy. In and out of mental hospitals, bi polar, suicidal.. you name it she has it… or claims she does. She is a peice of work. Luckily her and I are civil. My husband and her are not so much. I just kill her with kindness. lol
@ Micaela and anonymous… I can totally see where where both of you are coming from. When the ex had custody of my stepson we gave her child support AND bought him everything he needed, while she was sitting on her butt at home doing nothing to try to earn a living. Just living off the state everyway she could. It was so annoying!! My stepson got everything he needed and more and in Micaela’s case I hope thats the situation. If the child isn’t getting what they need and she is cheering for giving less money then thats obviously wrong.

Erica July 2, 2010, 2:09 AM

This is funny. My significant others Ex and I got off to a rocky start but now were on good terms. Ex, lil girl, and I go hang out regularly now.

It’s possible. You just have to pick and choose your battles and hope that she’s not crazy jealous and vindictive.

Anonymous July 7, 2010, 11:46 AM

@Jen - It’s good for kids if their mother can stay home with them after a divorce. Instead of complaining that she was getting welfare, why wasn’t her husband paying alimony?

And if she’s truly crazy, why did he leave her? What ever happened to in sickness and in health? Besides, how could anyone claim to love their children and leave them to take care of mom?

anonymous July 7, 2010, 11:54 AM

Stepbomb, it’s not a “courtesy call” to tell the mother of your children you’re getting married, especially if you share custody. And it’s not the War of the Roses to sue for full custody. If you really can understand her feelings, why are you griping about them like this?

The "Crazy" Ex July 11, 2010, 8:10 PM

I’m going to blame your husband for the animosity. hahaha

When my ex and his wife first got together-we’re talking like 3 or 4 months in of them dating-he came to my house to drop our daughter off and then proceeded to get into this long story of how he suspected she was cheating on him and what should he do blah blah blah (I’m serious. It was awkward).

She had an STD and since neither he nor I had it he assumed she had gotten it from somewhere else via sleeping around. He called her all kinds of “fun” names and then KEPT dating her (despite telling our ENTIRE circle of mutual friends about her disease and the suspected cheating) when I finally called him out on it he claimed I was jealous and just wanted him back when in reality I just didn’t want someone that he didn’t trust around our daughter.

Turns out she DOESN’T have an STD (it’s a genetic form of a common STD) and she’s really nice and has been a wonderful “other mother” for many years now. She and I have spent time together sans him and it was weird at first but VERY helpful. It’s good to be able to talk and be on the same page. HE on the other hand is still a pain in my….


Beanie August 23, 2010, 4:22 PM

Stepbomb, men often call their past women crazy, but remember they got left for a reason. Stepping into a ready made family without finding out all the facts can send you running or worse to the crazy house yourself! I recommend all women who take up with a previously married man, step lightly and give respect to the #1 mother, even if you don’t like her, it will go a long way. 6 weeks after our divorce, my ex married the woman he met soon after our separation. Without a moment to breathe, this stepbomb pushed her way into our daughter’s school, volunteering everywhere she could and tried to erase me as her mother. Her success was short lived as they built their relationship on lies, deceit and drama. It pays to be the patient one. What comes around goes around!

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