Childless Bitch: It's the big 4th of July weekend, and you know what that means: backyard barbecues, food, fun and the big, banging, booming explosions of ... your children. (Not at ALL what the Founding Fathers had in mind.) You may be excited about celebrating independence this weekend, but guess what? I celebrate mine every day.
Thanks to some cruel twist of fate, you and I somehow ended up at the same cookout. You're excited to finally be surrounded by people your own age, and I'm excited to drink free alcohol. Here's how we can both make the most of our "holiday":1) If you brought it, you feed it. Timmy's grubby, booger-caked fingers are sloshing around in the appetizers, and I think he just dropped a LEGO in my layer dip. Am I the only responsible adult worried about food contamination? Step away from the table, kid.
2) The backyard is not your child's trash can. In this age of environmental consciousness, your kid is worse than global warming. If he opens one more can, takes one sip, then leaves it for you to fetch, I'm calling the EPA. Is he training for a job as a soda taster?
3) The dog understands not to come in the house when wet. What's wrong with your animal?
4) Despite its patriotic shape, your JELL-O fruit salad does not belong at the same table as my "Barefoot Contessa" salad. There's a homeless shelter down the street accepting donations. I'm sure the hungry hobos would salute your flag.
5) By the looks of your $5 Old Navy American flag T-shirt, it's obvious you don't care when your kid spills a plate of beans on you. For those of us who still have our looks, please instruct your child on how to properly eat watermelon, corn on the cob and anything without a straw. My suggestion? A trough.
6) Here's a fun game for all you moms out there! Try holding a grown-up conversation without including the words "band" and "camp." Whoever wins gets the Berry Bloom Citronella Candle you won't stop gabbing about.
7) Uh oh: Tubby's got his T-shirt on in the pool. Hey Mom, if he's not training for competitive eating, it's time to take away that fourth footlong.
8) There's only one way to teach kids about fireworks safety -- learn by doing. The Pyro Pulverizer was just named Phantom Fireworks' Teacher of the Year. Kids can still function with eight fingers, and those missing digits are a great reminder of their own stupidity.
9) Your child is not at camp -- so guess what? You're the counselor! Put down that wine cooler, pull the arts and crafts Caboodle out of your Trader Joe's tote, and get to entertaining!
10) Just because your little Yankee Doodle has a life-threatening food allergy doesn't give you the right to insult the host and bring your own spread. The invite said "one shareable dish" -- not the soy-based sh*t you showed up with.
Just remember, Mommy Dearest: These are not the words of a childless bitch -- these are the words of a patriot!
To the red, white and blue!
P.S. America, you certainly are the land of the brave. And I am the land of the free. Free of children!