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I Am the Land of the Free -- Free of Children!

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Childless Bitch: It's the big 4th of July weekend, and you know what that means: backyard barbecues, food, fun and the big, banging, booming explosions of ... your children. (Not at ALL what the Founding Fathers had in mind.) You may be excited about celebrating independence this weekend, but guess what? I celebrate mine every day.


Thanks to some cruel twist of fate, you and I somehow ended up at the same cookout. You're excited to finally be surrounded by people your own age, and I'm excited to drink free alcohol. Here's how we can both make the most of our "holiday":

1) If you brought it, you feed it. Timmy's grubby, booger-caked fingers are sloshing around in the appetizers, and I think he just dropped a LEGO in my layer dip. Am I the only responsible adult worried about food contamination? Step away from the table, kid.

2) The backyard is not your child's trash can. In this age of environmental consciousness, your kid is worse than global warming. If he opens one more can, takes one sip, then leaves it for you to fetch, I'm calling the EPA. Is he training for a job as a soda taster?

3) The dog understands not to come in the house when wet. What's wrong with your animal?

4) Despite its patriotic shape, your JELL-O fruit salad does not belong at the same table as my "Barefoot Contessa" salad. There's a homeless shelter down the street accepting donations. I'm sure the hungry hobos would salute your flag.

5) By the looks of your $5 Old Navy American flag T-shirt, it's obvious you don't care when your kid spills a plate of beans on you. For those of us who still have our looks, please instruct your child on how to properly eat watermelon, corn on the cob and anything without a straw. My suggestion? A trough.

6) Here's a fun game for all you moms out there! Try holding a grown-up conversation without including the words "band" and "camp." Whoever wins gets the Berry Bloom Citronella Candle you won't stop gabbing about.

7) Uh oh: Tubby's got his T-shirt on in the pool. Hey Mom, if he's not training for competitive eating, it's time to take away that fourth footlong.

8) There's only one way to teach kids about fireworks safety -- learn by doing. The Pyro Pulverizer was just named Phantom Fireworks' Teacher of the Year. Kids can still function with eight fingers, and those missing digits are a great reminder of their own stupidity.

9) Your child is not at camp -- so guess what? You're the counselor! Put down that wine cooler, pull the arts and crafts Caboodle out of your Trader Joe's tote, and get to entertaining!

10) Just because your little Yankee Doodle has a life-threatening food allergy doesn't give you the right to insult the host and bring your own spread. The invite said "one shareable dish" -- not the soy-based sh*t you showed up with.

Just remember, Mommy Dearest: These are not the words of a childless bitch -- these are the words of a patriot!

To the red, white and blue!
-- C.B.

P.S. America, you certainly are the land of the brave. And I am the land of the free. Free of children!

next: Plan the Perfect Fourth of July Party
19 comments so far | Post a comment now
Cathy Anne July 2, 2010, 7:04 AM

you would think that since you have no kids, you would be able to write a NEW article. this is so recycled from last year.

Jenni July 2, 2010, 8:39 AM

Cathy Anne- I love you! ;-)

SS July 2, 2010, 9:48 AM

Wow. Bitter much?

anonymous July 2, 2010, 12:08 PM

If you don’t like kids, go live on the moon.

Christina July 2, 2010, 12:15 PM

Aww - you’re so cute when you’re trying to be clever. So, according to this article, you live in an undisclosed location where you are the only single, attractive, well-dressed conversationalist in your circle (or the general population. It’s unclear which). This being the case explain why, exactly, you are going to these parties, as you are clearly not enjoying yourself. Even more curious, to me at any rate, is why (or whether) you’ve been invited back.

Anonymous July 2, 2010, 12:36 PM

I think this is actually the third year (maybe more) that this one has run. Does CB even write for ML anymore?

Sarah July 2, 2010, 1:43 PM

One day you will have kids and you will understand. It is easier to complain about what you don’t know than to complain about something you actually know about. Boring article and Number 10 stupid! Do you really want the child to go into shock really? And as for the comment on number 9, you act like they are holding onto the adults. Most kids play together and do not act out at B-ques. Maybe you are bitter you are alone and don’t have kids. I gather there is bitterness somehow. When you get home there are no kids, so deal with it for a few hours or just stay home!

momof4 July 2, 2010, 2:23 PM

this was stupid

Rylee July 2, 2010, 2:43 PM

How sad for you. I can tell you’re obviously miserable. However, quit blaming it on my kids. I know most people would rather be around them than you.

nomtn2tall  July 2, 2010, 3:09 PM

sounds like you are hanging with the wrong crowd, unless you are up to a real conversation with a child;… you might be suprisingly entertained and enlightened. I can’t wait to read that post.

Momma July 2, 2010, 3:49 PM

Who would invite this hostile, self-involved shrew to a family-friendly gathering? I guess it’s hard when your friends make their family their first priority, and your endless stories about work, serial romances, and shopping become a little boring for the rest of the crowd.

Proud Mommy July 3, 2010, 3:27 AM

What a horrible, unkind, unloving and probably unloved person you are. I pity the lonely existence you lead. You’ll never know the joy that a child can bring to your life. However, there’s an unborn child out there thankful you won’t be his mother.

Anonymous July 3, 2010, 9:00 AM

Guess what, you were a kid once and you probably did some of these same things….granted these behaviors should be dealt with by the parents. However, these things will happen and probably with more frequency at these lax, outdoor functions. Give the partents a break, parenting is hard work and sometimes you just say, “whatever!” I do understand you need to not be bothered…stay away…you have that choice and so do they other!

beth July 7, 2010, 3:16 PM

LMFAO!!!! i found this rather funny. i have 2 kids but can’t stand other people’s kids…lol. i’m not saying my kids are some wonderful little angels but they are noticeably better behaved than a lot of kids their age. guess that’s cuz i believe in teaching my kids manners and respect! lol.

Geisha_Girl July 14, 2010, 2:13 PM

This article was completely bitchy. I am also child-free, by choice (I don’t ever want children, and please don’t reply with that sick “You’ll have them. You’ll see.” b.s. There are people who do not want to procreate for various and legitimate reasons.

HOWEVER, the author obviously thinks she’s better than people who have children. I could easily write an article on this topic without offending people who have children.

All I ask is that people who have children actually PARENT them. Catch them before they break someone else’s things, before they nearly fall in the pool, make messes and don’t clean them up, etc. In short, be a parent, not a breeder.

The vast majority of people are capable of teaching their children manners and appropriate outside-of-their-house behavior, and I fear that parents don’t think that it’s important to expect good behavior out of your children - and to give consequences when they are running wild.

monique October 28, 2010, 12:11 PM

ROFL You mommies are wound too tight! Has it been THAT long since you’ve laughed at something other than Yo Gabba Gabba??? LOL

Sparkina November 5, 2010, 6:13 PM

My babies are still a fantasy, because I have yet to find my heart’s true hero, (I do have four adorable “nieces,” though — quotes cuz they’re really my cousin’s daughters)but I have to say, those were kind of sourpuss remarks, esp
3 — children are not animals. They’re as human as anyone else.
7 — that “Tubby” remark. Name-calling is never called-for. It is never appropriate to insult someone, whether the “someone” is a kid or a grownup. How would you feel if someone insulted you?
8 — I respect your decision to remain a kid-free adult, but there are kid-free adults who don’t wish dismemberment on anyone
9 — Here’s a fun game for you. YOU try to have a conversation that doesn’t include the words “sale” or “outfit.” Not everyone cares about what you wear on your @$$ and how much it cost.
10 — some people (children AND adults) do have food allergies that can be life threatening. And many allergy-friendly dishes are quite tasty.

Sir Xrumer December 29, 2010, 6:51 PM

Where are you from?

Lauren Dalpiaz February 11, 2011, 3:44 AM

As a Newbie, I am permanently searching online for articles that can benefit me. Thank you

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