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Childless Bitch at the Beach

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Editor's note: Are we not safe from this woman anywhere?! She's in our movie theaters and restaurants ... she even spies on our girls' nights out -- and now the bitch has taken over our beach!

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Childless Bitch: Everyone knows that the most important decision of any beach day is where to put down your towel. I make an effort to pick a quiet, isolated spot on the sand, but no matter where I sit, you and your troops invade and ATTACK!

Aloha, mommies: Just because your brats are no longer playing in your backyard doesn't mean you can just unleash them on the sand unsupervised. Your children are loud and annoying, but I gotta say, YOU are worse! Here's why:

1) You are a space hog! As a good rule, if your terrycloth "tarp" is larger than the size of your body, pregnant ... fold it in half!

2) You have no consideration for others. Not only do you build the next Aztec civilization, you build it within one inch of my (already-claimed) space. Are you lonely? Is that why you sit so damn close?

3) All that crap you bring with you. Is anyone really going to wear those flippers?

4) You have no CLUE how to install your patio-sized beach umbrella. And no matter how many times it flies away, you never think to pack it up. (I am only concerned for the safety of your children, of course.) Why do you need an umbrella, anyway ...

5) ... when you're also packing a barn-sized tent?! If you're going to hide in your "cabana," why go outside in the first place? One would think you should give that pasty skin a chance ....

6) This may come as a surprise, but: When you scream at your child on the beach, EVERYONE can hear you.

7) I never thought I'd say this, but please put back on your "I Don't Do Mornings" cat nightshirt, so I don't have to look at your C-section-revealing thong.

8) The beach radio you turn to is "Hot 99.7." You're not faking any level of coolness, and the music does not cover up the sound of your snoring, your child's breathing or your husband's eating. And speaking of which ...

9) ... here's a portion of your beach-day schedule:

    • 12:00 PM -- Snack time!
    • 12:01 PM -- Second snack time!
    • 12:05 PM -- Lunchtime!
    • 12:08 PM -- Dessert time!
    • 12:10 PM -- Post-lunch snack time!

(And by the way, what will really happen if Flabby Albert doesn't have his fourth Gushers snack pack?)

10) And finally, your inability to shake off a towel without getting sand all over everyone else. Is there no Mommy & Me class for this?

To recap: I am considerate of you. You are not considerate of me. As you pack up for the next "Family Fun Day," please remember ... the water is for you; the sand is for me!

To sun, sand and silence ....
-- C.B.

For more C.B. naughtiness, click HERE.


next: Cyberstalking: Mom Bloggers Attacked
19 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kirsten July 20, 2010, 6:46 AM

I love you! Thank you for saying the things that a lot of us are too ashamed/afraid to say but we think them all the time!

ANON July 20, 2010, 11:51 AM

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I DON’T HATE KIDS. I HATE THEIR PARENTS WHO THINK THEIR KIDS ARE SO CUTE NO ONE COULD EVER NOT LOVE THEM. I WONDER WHY PARENTS SEEM TO THINK THAT LETTING THEIR CHILDREN RUN WILD IS SOMETHING THE REST OF US DON’T CARE ABOUT? ON MANY OCCASIONS, I HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO A PARENT ABOUT MINDING THEIR CHILDREN SO THE REST OF US CAN GET DONE WITH WHATEVER IT IS WE WERE DOING. I AM ALWAYS AMAZED AT HOW UGLY THESE PEOPLE CAN BE WHEN YOU ARE POINTING OUT THAT THEIR LITTLE “DEVIL” IS MISBEHAVING. BUT IT DOESN’T STOP ME BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE RIGHTS TOO (EVEN IF I DON’T HAVE KIDS) AND THAT THEY SHOULD BE RESPECTED.

Pamala July 20, 2010, 4:20 PM

This is why we go to family beaches (which we have several of in my area).

By the way tanning and so forth is bad for your skin. You might want to rethink that practice.

Jane Coles July 20, 2010, 11:45 PM

I would love to know what happened to you in your childhood that compels you to hate the era so vehemently. The difference between you and children is that they do not judge as you do and care about more important things than you.

A word of warning for you. Respect should be extended from you to the next generation and their parents because without them the population would just age and age until there would be no one to care for your grumpy self and the population would become extinct.

I suggest you seek counselling about your childhood and learn that without the next people like you cannot be.

Phoena July 21, 2010, 8:24 AM

#2 is especially true! I see it everywhere I go — mommies love to find the one person who is seemingly happy and then crowd them to make them as miserable as possible.

Mary zaint July 21, 2010, 9:39 AM

Reading Janes post made me wonder if Jane has bratty children & is guilty of similar things in public place. Why else would she seem so offended? And the comment about extinction?! Really?! We are so overpopulated as it is! This earth has too many people on it as it is, and stupid people at that. And the more babies you squeeze out, the more humans that are ruining this gracious planet.
I don’t hate children but I have no tollerance for bad children and the dumb parents that allow it. Breeders I really don’t understand though. I wish more people would do the unselfish thing & adopt as opposed to populating more. So many children and teens out there need love and a family and a permanent home, but possible parents are too busy thinking about having a “mini me”. It’s a bit cocky if ya ask me.
This post did somehow make me want to go to the beach this weekend. Good thing I don’t have kids so I don’t have to worry about finding a baby sitter. :)

MommyLisa July 21, 2010, 12:40 PM

I agree with it all except the towel part. I put out that huge towel for me and my daughter to sit on.

We go to the beach to be in the water and play in the sand by the water - so the towel is there for us to dry off and have our ONE lunch or snack together.

Apparently as a former lifeguard I am a better beach mommy?

Anonymous July 21, 2010, 1:19 PM

Wow Momlogic…you sure do get your money’s worth…this is the THIRD time you’ve run this article. Would you get a new perspective please.

Telling it like it is July 21, 2010, 3:08 PM

Dear Anonymous,
Everytime there is a new childfree article, at least half a dozen of you repeat the same thing “get a new perspective” “running this article again?”
It seems you are the ones in need of fresh material.
Don’t like the satire, then don’t read the articles.

Anonymous July 21, 2010, 5:26 PM

telling it…It is not out of the ordinary to expect a magazine to NOT recycle articles. I get the satire, just would appreciate it more if it was fresh.

Jessica Foster July 21, 2010, 6:07 PM

I don’t hate children. In fact, I love children. I just don’t have any, yet, but I’m 25 and still have plenty of time. I hate the parents that don’t know how to reign their children in and keep them under control! If your child does not know how to behave in public, and you don’t know how to keep them out of other people’s hair, stay home!

Jessica Foster July 21, 2010, 6:11 PM

I don’t hate children. In fact, I love children. I just don’t have any, yet, but I’m 25 and still have plenty of time. I hate the parents that don’t know how to reign their children in and keep them under control! If your child does not know how to behave in public, and you don’t know how to keep them out of other people’s hair, stay home!

Jessica Foster July 21, 2010, 6:16 PM

I have nothing against children. I hate the parents that don’t know how to keep a reign on them. If your child doesn’t know how to behave in public, they don’t belong out in public.

Julie Saykiewicz July 28, 2010, 6:45 AM

It’s interesting how those without kids seem to make the best parents. It’s also interesting to see so many comments from women without kids on a “mom” website.

Also— just because you’ve had kids doesn’t mean you are overweight and unhealthy.

Charlotte July 28, 2010, 7:02 AM

*bow* Yes, thank you. I know taking children to a beach can be a hard thing to do, but parents still need to act like they are in charge of their kids when they go. I love this.

Shanda July 28, 2010, 7:53 AM

I’m a mom of an 8 and 6 year old. This article is hilarious! I agree with many of the things CB says. Too many parents are raising their children to think they are the center of the universe. Although her issue with “screaming” at my children on the beach, how else am I going to get their attention? Would a cowbell or whistle be better? If I didn’t discipline/ correct behavior in public, you’d condemn me for allowing the behavior. I’m very conscious of others when out with my kiddos.

Keep in mind that parents will go crazy if they lock themselves in a house with their kids until they are 18. Keep posting these articles. That way, when CB does have kids, we can all point and laugh.

Mimi July 28, 2010, 9:14 AM

Give me a break! Why are there people making comments on here who are not Moms? Last I checked….this is called Momlogic…..not “wishing I was a Mom and can’t be so I will complain about everything” website. Grow up people.

tellsitlikeitis August 5, 2010, 11:37 PM

Hey Mimi, ever hear of “Freedom of Speech” or is that just the kind of narrow minds you want your kids to have? Perhaps it is you that should grow up.

And Shanda, how can you be so sure that CB will ever have kids? Ever hear of birth control?

Ten Tees January 8, 2011, 5:32 PM

Interesting information. Nice and fun reading. I just have a single opinion to offer about funny t-shirts.


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