Editor's note: Are we not safe from this woman anywhere?! She's in our movie theaters and restaurants ... she even spies on our girls' nights out -- and now the bitch has taken over our beach!
Childless Bitch: Everyone knows that the most important decision of any beach day is where to put down your towel. I make an effort to pick a quiet, isolated spot on the sand, but no matter where I sit, you and your troops invade and ATTACK!
Aloha, mommies: Just because your brats are no longer playing in your backyard doesn't mean you can just unleash them on the sand unsupervised. Your children are loud and annoying, but I gotta say, YOU are worse! Here's why:
1) You are a space hog! As a good rule, if your terrycloth "tarp" is larger than the size of your body, pregnant ... fold it in half!
2) You have no consideration for others. Not only do you build the next Aztec civilization, you build it within one inch of my (already-claimed) space. Are you lonely? Is that why you sit so damn close?
3) All that crap you bring with you. Is anyone really going to wear those flippers?
4) You have no CLUE how to install your patio-sized beach umbrella. And no matter how many times it flies away, you never think to pack it up. (I am only concerned for the safety of your children, of course.) Why do you need an umbrella, anyway ...
5) ... when you're also packing a barn-sized tent?! If you're going to hide in your "cabana," why go outside in the first place? One would think you should give that pasty skin a chance ....
6) This may come as a surprise, but: When you scream at your child on the beach, EVERYONE can hear you.
7) I never thought I'd say this, but please put back on your "I Don't Do Mornings" cat nightshirt, so I don't have to look at your C-section-revealing thong.
8) The beach radio you turn to is "Hot 99.7." You're not faking any level of coolness, and the music does not cover up the sound of your snoring, your child's breathing or your husband's eating. And speaking of which ...
9) ... here's a portion of your beach-day schedule:
- 12:00 PM -- Snack time!
- 12:01 PM -- Second snack time!
- 12:05 PM -- Lunchtime!
- 12:08 PM -- Dessert time!
- 12:10 PM -- Post-lunch snack time!
(And by the way, what will really happen if Flabby Albert doesn't have his fourth Gushers snack pack?)
10) And finally, your inability to shake off a towel without getting sand all over everyone else. Is there no Mommy & Me class for this?
To recap: I am considerate of you. You are not considerate of me. As you pack up for the next "Family Fun Day," please remember ... the water is for you; the sand is for me!
To sun, sand and silence ....