Tip 1: Before you go, check days and hours of operation. Wouldn't it be funny if you drove all that way and it was closed for the season?! Also, make sure you have printed directions. God knows 8:30 AM is too early for the "You said you knew where it was" argument. Pack the night before. You probably always try to do this, but I can't stress enough how nice it is to get in the car once and leave for your destination, especially when the kids are exploding with anticipation in their car seats.

Tip 2: On that note, consider staying overnight close to your park. If you are flying someplace like Disneyland, of course, that is already in your plan. But if you are driving to an attraction that is more than an hour away, you might want to make a mini-weekend out of it. A fresh start in the morning (for everyone) goes a long way. Plus, the kids will really enjoy the "sleepover" in the cheap hotel. Many inexpensive hotels and inns include breakfast -- and you don't have to wipe the floor afterwards!

Tip 3: Have a Bloody Mary. No, two. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Tip 4: Make sure the kids are healthy, well-fed, napped, diapered, immunized and leashed. That way, you won't "misplace" them, and you've already avoided that awkward announcement of their name along with their panicked cries over the park's PA system. Seriously, don't take your kids to a park when they are potentially "coming down with something." You are only guaranteeing further misery, not only for yourself, but for hundreds of other innocent parents as well.

Tip 5: Avoid the Pirate Ship attraction unless you prefer long, slow rides over water with other people's crying children in crowded boats. Really, if your tot is prone to easy scares, think twice before embarking on a ride where there is literally no escape. Your kid will be in therapy for years, and it will be your fault.

Tip 6: Decide before you go who's willing to get "a bit wet" on the Log Chute ride. This is especially relevant in late September, when you haven't brought a bathing suit or a change of clothes (silly you). Bonus tip: Usually the husband sits in front, since log rides are really a "guy thing."

Tip 7: Don't stand up too quickly in the Three Bears' House after reviewing the porridge bowls. The ceilings in all of these "little people" attractions are notoriously low! Fun for your kids, but for you ... not so much. Especially after two Bloody Marys. (You have been warned.

Tip 8: Bring your own lunch and drinks, unless you enjoy paying $3.99 for a hot dog and $4.99 for mac-n-cheese that will be hurled at other innocent parkgoers just trying to make it through the goddamn day.

Tip 9: Bring a camera, extra batteries, water, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, bug spray, binkies, Tylenol, a sweatshirt, a change of clothes for each child, snacks, books, maybe some vodka, favorite toys, your babysitter and that God-awful "blankie" that smells like bleach and Cheerio vomit but seems to cure all that is wrong in the world. I am only half kidding here -- if you think you might need it, bring it. And I don't mean leave it in the car.

Tip 10: Remember -- you came here to have fun. Designate a "lost kid" plan and a prearranged meeting place and time. Bring your charged cell phones. You will need them when one kid is having a meltdown about Alice's Tea Cups and the other needs a diaper change -- and you left the diaper bag across the park.

Tip 11: When you get home, check to make sure that all your kids are in the car. Is your husband there? (He should be, if he drove home while you napped.)