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Childless Bitch on Back-to-School

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Childless BitchHooray! They're heading back to school! Yay for the moms! Yay for the dads! Three cheers for education! Finally, mommies are saved!
Ugh. You people disgust me. It's time to stop laughing at the Staples commercial of the dad singing to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (the joke is old) and enter the reality of the CB.

What's that? You say you're sick of your kids lying around the house all summer? Gosh! Who would have thought spending some quality time with your flesh and blood would be so bad? Oh, um ... me! So, one would think that the CB and the Moms of the World would agree (for once -- gasp!) that back-to-school time is a happy time, right? Wrong! School's in session, mamas! While your brats are heading back into isolated confinement, somehow I am the one paying the price. Below are only a few of the ways your bizarre back-to-school rituals inconvenience my life -- big time:

Ten minutes are added to my morning commute because your lousy kid can't climb the school-bus stairs quicker. Last time I checked, it was called the "short bus," not the "slow bus."

My beloved Target is in shambles, thanks to psychotic moms tearing up the aisles trying to figure out the difference between college and wide-ruled. Why is a hunt for No. 2 pencils cause for pandemonium? Do kids even use pencils anymore? Aren't they too busy texting each other in broken English?

No more cheap child labor. I'm forced to hire a professional dog-walker and lawn-care service because your kid had to return to class. Let's be honest: I've seen that vacant stare in Timmy's eyes. No diploma is saving him from a career in mower-riding, so why not forget school and let him get a head start on my crabgrass?

4)Head lice.

My local supermarket looks like a third-world country because you packed "Can't Believe He's Going to College" Clark with enough rations and toiletries for his five-year plan. P.S. He's selling that food for drugs.

All the fall clothes in my size are completely sold out, thanks to your teenage princess receiving a new outfit for every day of the week. I can't decide: Are you moms consumed with constant guilt, or just complete suckers? (Probably both.) Who do I need to speak to about school uniforms?

Last time I checked, back-to-school wasn't a holiday recognized in the employee handbook. If you're taking a half-day to photograph for your "Through the Years" scrapbook, I'm taking a half-day for my "Making It Through the Morning" hangover.

The return of midget panhandlers. Unless the "chocolate thriller" your kid is selling vibrates and comes with AA batteries, I'm not interested in supporting local education.

Dealing with emotionally wrecked moms at work. What is so stressful about getting a child ready for back-to-school? Hand the kid a ruler and push him out the door. School is all about survival of the fittest: If he can't figure out how to dress himself, find food and make friends on his own, there's nothing you can do, anyway. (Except maybe buy him a lawnmower.)

10)Speaking of work, thanks to Margie's 10 AM orthodontist appointment and Sally's 4 PM piano lesson, I'm stuck picking up your slack at work. Don't these kids have a father? Or at least a child-support check to pay for transportation?

I just can't win. You can lock the kids up in school for six hours, yet moms roam free picking up their annoying slack. Is there no justice in this kid-infested world?

To higher learning!
-- CB

next: Babysitter Tiffani Calise Charged with Murder
18 comments so far | Post a comment now
momof3 August 21, 2010, 5:40 AM

I really can’t believe you are welcome to write articles on momlogic. I may stop reading the whole site.

If it weren’t for kids, you wouldn’t be here ~ you were a child once, so were your parents, and their parents and so on…

There is seriously something wrong with you.

momof3 August 21, 2010, 6:20 AM

I just looked in the archives and this exact article was published last year ~ same pic and everything! LAME!!

Not August 21, 2010, 7:23 AM

Yay for repeat articles!

Also, fellow readers, clearly this is not meant to be taken seriously. CB’s purpose as a writer for ML is to ignite discussion. Mission accomplished?

ElHutto August 22, 2010, 1:13 AM

I would like to exchange links with your site
Is this possible?

amanda August 22, 2010, 7:38 AM

Boring repeat…


…Im sure no one appreciated your rant last year so why bother taking up space with your bitchiness?

Samantha August 22, 2010, 7:59 AM

I personally found the article hilarious! As a mom of three kids going back to school I am relieved not to have to entertain them all day for a while. And I get just as frustrated with crazy moms in stores, traffic, and all of the extra things that come with back-to-school, as well as she does. If we don’t start learning how to laugh at ourselves, we are going to be pretty miserable people!

Rita August 22, 2010, 11:26 AM

Wow I totally wrote a reply with funny responses for all her Top 10 above…and they didn’t post it.

Kim August 22, 2010, 12:01 PM

This is a repeat. Looks like you still need to get laid. bitter much ?

Get A Life CB August 22, 2010, 1:48 PM

Mordant codswallop!

XXXX August 22, 2010, 2:58 PM

So True. I love it CB!

Sandra August 22, 2010, 7:53 PM

A third of the way through I realized this was all tongue in cheek sarcasm. Didn’t really care for it or think it was funny but thanks anyway for the disappointment.

rugbymom August 24, 2010, 11:15 AM

I just wish it was funnier. I get it though…hence the name. I was kind of hoping CB was going to Be a funny-B, but it is just bitching. Unlike many folks, I don’t like reality TV and I don’t like relentless bitching just for the sake of it. Good to know what i can expect of this blogger though. :-)

Nikita August 25, 2010, 1:03 PM

This is hilarious! I’m a proud mommy and even I agree with this. You see, my toddler has been in pre-school for 2 years already and it truely is a hassle for the morning commute. While most of you moms had the summer “off”, I still had to go to work and my little girl still had to get to school in the morn. First day of the local school district - and I’m 15 minutes late for work. Lazy re-post or not, this is quite true.

Anonymous August 27, 2010, 6:10 AM

#6 - seriously? how old are you, and you are still shopping in the juniors section….WOW

SimpleOkie September 16, 2010, 6:34 PM

At least be original. With all the extra time you have during the summer, you should’ve at least been able to take a creative writing class. [maybe the harried mom’s can show you where the spiral bound notebooks are.]

Berenice October 12, 2010, 2:21 PM

Oh this is just epic “Unless the “chocolate thriller” your kid is selling vibrates and comes with AA batteries, I’m not interested in supporting local education.” What were you expecting to Buy Viagra from this kids?

thomas sabo charms ebay December 20, 2010, 4:37 PM

Interesting point of view. Wondering what you think of it’s implication on society as a whole though? People obviously get frustrated when it begins to affect them locally. I’ll check back to see what you have to say.

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