1) Ten minutes are added to my morning commute because your lousy kid can't climb the school-bus stairs quicker. Last time I checked, it was called the "short bus," not the "slow bus."
2) My beloved Target is in shambles, thanks to psychotic moms tearing up the aisles trying to figure out the difference between college and wide-ruled. Why is a hunt for No. 2 pencils cause for pandemonium? Do kids even use pencils anymore? Aren't they too busy texting each other in broken English?
3) No more cheap child labor. I'm forced to hire a professional dog-walker and lawn-care service because your kid had to return to class. Let's be honest: I've seen that vacant stare in Timmy's eyes. No diploma is saving him from a career in mower-riding, so why not forget school and let him get a head start on my crabgrass?
4) Head lice.
5) My local supermarket looks like a third-world country because you packed "Can't Believe He's Going to College" Clark with enough rations and toiletries for his five-year plan. P.S. He's selling that food for drugs.
6) All the fall clothes in my size are completely sold out, thanks to your teenage princess receiving a new outfit for every day of the week. I can't decide: Are you moms consumed with constant guilt, or just complete suckers? (Probably both.) Who do I need to speak to about school uniforms?
7) Last time I checked, back-to-school wasn't a holiday recognized in the employee handbook. If you're taking a half-day to photograph for your "Through the Years" scrapbook, I'm taking a half-day for my "Making It Through the Morning" hangover.
8) The return of midget panhandlers. Unless the "chocolate thriller" your kid is selling vibrates and comes with AA batteries, I'm not interested in supporting local education.
9) Dealing with emotionally wrecked moms at work. What is so stressful about getting a child ready for back-to-school? Hand the kid a ruler and push him out the door. School is all about survival of the fittest: If he can't figure out how to dress himself, find food and make friends on his own, there's nothing you can do, anyway. (Except maybe buy him a lawnmower.)
10) Speaking of work, thanks to Margie's 10 AM orthodontist appointment and Sally's 4 PM piano lesson, I'm stuck picking up your slack at work. Don't these kids have a father? Or at least a child-support check to pay for transportation?
I just can't win. You can lock the kids up in school for six hours, yet moms roam free picking up their annoying slack. Is there no justice in this kid-infested world?
To higher learning!