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Devoted Mom Asks Military to Nix 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

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momlogic's Vivian: We were trawling the Web when we came across this incredibly moving letter a mom sent to several members of the U.S. Department of Defense, the Army and the Senate. It's about her openly gay son, who completed two tours in Operation Iraqi Freedom (and saved many lives) yet was discharged because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

US Soldiers


Here it is, as posted on the Human Rights Campaign's Back Story website. Be sure to grab a box of tissues before you read on!

August 24, 2010

My name is Nancy Manzella and I have been a mother for 34 years. My husband and I live in rural Western New York, where we have made our home at a grape vineyard and have raised three wonderful sons. We now have beautiful daughters-in-law and grandchildren. We are proud to say that we are the all-American family.

I also was a military mom for six years. Our son, Darren Manzella, served two tours in the Middle East in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom as a soldier in the United States Army. He was promoted to sergeant, was a team leader of a medical squad and conducted more than 100 12-hour patrols in the streets of Baghdad, treating wounds and evacuating casualties of sniper fire and roadside bombs.

Darren was awarded the Combat Medical Badge, honoring him for treating American and Iraqi troops while under fire. He saved lives while putting his own in precarious situations by treating gunshot wounds, blast injuries and more. He was "out there," and our family knew he was in constant danger.

As anyone who is familiar with our military knows, service takes tremendous sacrifices, not only for those who serve, but for their loved ones they leave behind. Our family was always concerned for Darren's safety, as all military families are for their sons and daughters in uniform. We were also concerned for him because he was openly gay while he served his second tour. We knew that anyone in a war zone was at risk of being harmed at any time, but we also understood that because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Darren was especially vulnerable. He could be fired, forced out of the Army and potentially face harassment and abuse. The stress was incredible.

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" not only affects the gay and lesbian service members' lives, but also throws their loved ones, friends and all family members' lives into a stressful nightmare. We cannot get to them if they need us for support, as they are thousands of miles away. The ban impacts so many lives adversely. It causes unbearable stress on everyone concerned, especially with the constant fear that we may slip up, we might inadvertently "out" them even in a simple letter from home. The "all-American families" who have gay or lesbian service members serving are living with this stress every day.

As parents, this law offends us deeply. It tells us that our gay and lesbian children who are in uniform and putting their lives on the line every day, saving lives, are not good enough to serve their country. The law discriminates against family members, forcing fear and anguish into their lives. Our sons and daughters should be judged on their performance, loyalty to country and bravery, not their sexual orientation.

We need to support all American military families -- straight or gay.

Our son was fired under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and I still believe to this day he would willingly serve his country again if this law ended. I can tell this discharge not only affected his military career, but caused him to question his self-worth. Under the law, it doesn't seem to matter how good you are at your job, how many lives you save or people you support, or how patriotic and dedicated you might be. If you happen to be gay or lesbian, this law says you are somehow "less than."

The Army teaches honor and integrity, and holds those values dear. Despite these values, the Army still isn't allowed to let our gay and lesbian troops live up to that potential because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Under this law, troops are forced to be dishonest, to put integrity to the side and to live in the closet -- with their families closeted beside them -- denying who they are.

They need the opportunity to "Be All That They Can Be."

I am urging you to support the repeal of this unjust law. The values that we gave our kids, and the values the Army told Darren they believe, are really the values we should strive for. But until this law is gone, those values are undermined by unfairness, discrimination and prejudice. I realize that our country is in the midst of great change, having to make many crucial decisions. I also understand that the Administration has "a lot on their plate" right now. I'm an American, too, and have many concerns about our country. But [a] "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal cannot and should not be pushed down the road.


Nancy S. Manzella

You TELL IT, Nancy! We stand in salute to this loving, devoted mom!

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12 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous August 26, 2010, 2:10 PM

First, Thank you to this man for his service to all of us Americans. Secondly, isn’t this one of the promises the President Obama made before getting into the White House? Why hasn’t he made good on repealing this law? I think no matter where you stand on if gays should be in the military or if they should be able to get married, every person should be treated equal. period!

Jessica August 27, 2010, 5:41 AM

Not everyone fully understands the extent of this law. I am in the USAF, and the repeal of this law is discussed with us quite a bit. Right now there are several discussion forums and groups that we are being asked to partake in to see how we feel about the repeal. So, the repeal is in progress. Honestly, I don’t feel that the public should have to much of a say in whether the law is repealed or not. I don’t think that the general public realizes how much you learn about one another in the military. Beginning in basic training you shower together, change together, sometimes even sleep together. And while deployed, you do the same thing, but add in the tension and stresses of being deployed, that is recipe for disaster if someone was to feel like they were being sexually harassed in there own territory (ie. the womens locker room) The point of this policy was to eliminate any akwardness or conflicts between people of different sexual orientations.

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