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You Found a WHAT on My WHERE?!

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Michelle Kemper Brownlow:I don't know anyone who likes going to the only place where it is acceptable for a man or woman who is NOT your significant other to ask you to put your knees behind your ears while they ... well, you get it.

woman at gynecologist

We all experience minor nuisances when it comes to the body part in our panties, and I am the queen of Waiting It Out. But a couple of weeks ago, I had to make the call. Kicking and screaming, I had to go.

First, a MALE doctor walked in. I guess when it's not your yearly checkup, you get who they give you. So, I began explaining something to him that he has never experienced. How could someone without a vagina even have the SLIGHTEST idea what I was feeling "down there"?

I took my position ... ick. He took his position ... double ick. He reached for the speculum and said, "Hmm, the warmer wasn't on." Lovely! He had no idea how THAT was going to feel, either.

"I'll just warm it with my hands ...." (OK, that was just weird -- in many ways.)

He got everything "situated," then said, "Ohh."

All right: The last time a doctor said that when she was down there, she told me I was pregnant. My heart raced: "I just turned 40. How will I ...?"

"You have a polyp on your cervix. That's what's causing your problem."

My brain shifted gears: "I just turned 40. I'm too young to die. I can't ...."

"It's a benign polyp. I can easily grab it with this, twist and pull it right off."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I said. "Won't that hurt? Won't I be stuck to the ceiling if you grab, twist and pull?"

"No. It's virtually painless."

"Oh, because YOU have had something yanked out of YOUR vajayjay?" (Well, I didn't say that -- but I wanted to.)

I bit the bullet and had him take it off then and there. I felt nothing. Whew.

Tests came back fine. My nuisance has resolved itself. And I don't have to go back for a while. Double whew!

Why don't men have female penisologists? It's just NOT fair!

next: Five Fun After-School Snacks
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