twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Divorce Dialogues: 'The First Year Was Hell'

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Guest blogger Kate Meyers: William Roth is a communications entrepreneur. His first marriage lasted fourteen years. His children were 13 and 9 when he divorced. He's been happily remarried for nine years.

upset man
momlogic: Why did you get divorced?

William Roth: My grandfather was dying, and I went down to see him and had an epiphany that if I were to die, I would not be happy and I would look back at my life with regret. And that started me in a chain of thinking that led me to eventually realize that I had to do something. I didn't know what it was, and that led me on an internal journey. Divorce wasn't the first option. I thought maybe I should just take care of myself and do what I could to make myself happy, or maybe I should find love and friendship outside of the marriage. So I was thinking about that, and with all those possibilities, I ended up in therapy because it was confusing which one was the right path. I was thinking that I wasn't doing anything -- just stewing about it all the time. Like trying on different hats. Another option was [to] recommit myself and try harder, and I did try that. I hate saying this because it sounds so trite, but I had to try and know that I had tried everything I could to make it work. When that didn't have any results, then I knew it was time. The decision came at three in the morning. We were scheduled to go to couples therapy the next day. We were not strangers to therapy. I woke up and realized that it was a sham, and I knew that we were spending money and time to keep a marriage together that shouldn't be together. And she actually agreed with me. In some ways, I was fortunate I never had guilt, second thoughts, misgivings. I had the cleanest of hearts about the decision. I also had the epiphany, "All the things I'm not getting, she's not getting, either."

ml: What the hardest part about that decision?

WR: For me, it was telling my children, and what that was going to do to them. I went and talked to a child therapist ... before I made the decision. He said there's never a good time to do it, but so much depends on how you manage it. The therapist did warn me that my son would probably deal with the effects more immediately, and that my daughter, because she was not completely understanding, would suffer later on. That's exactly what happened, and it helped me keep my eyes open. We both had the kids in therapy for a year during the divorce, and that was helpful. Occasionally, I would to talk to the therapist as a parent about how to handle certain situations. The first year was hell. I feel badly for the pain that I caused my kids and the work they had to do. Sometimes it's still uncomfortable, because their mom does not speak to me.

ml: How did you feel about the divorce personally?

WR: I went from [living in] a beautiful showcase house to [living in] a little dump, and I thought it was paradise. Almost immediately [after] I moved out, I was so happy I was dancing to music by myself. I actually felt that happiness was going to be an option in my life for the first time, like I was in college again. That I was moving through the world exactly as I wanted to. When I moved out, I got so excited about myself again. I knew that it was the right decision for me.

ml: How did you work the co-parenting schedule?

WR: I had [the kids] every Wednesday night, every Monday night and every other weekend. I had them for breakfast and took them to school so I could see them every day. We wanted to give them continuity and I had always woken up with them, given them breakfast and taken them to school, so I did that for the next four or five years. Mostly, I wanted to reassure them that I wasn't going anywhere. Eventually, we went to a one-week-on, one-week-off schedule.

ml: What was the best thing to come out of the divorce?

WR: As my dad said to my [current] wife, many years later, "Thank you for getting my son back." I think you don't know how far you've come from yourself when you're in a bad relationship until you get yourself back and your life back and your happiness back. Plus, I got the most amazing woman I've ever known. And you know, [this] also sounds trite, but I think I got to know my kids better than when I was in the relationship [with their mother]. I had different responsibilities and roles that I had to learn [after the divorce], and it changed my life profoundly. We've had so many tough conversations about life and love that we never would have had before. And I feel really strongly that they're OK.


next: My Four Husbands
6 comments so far | Post a comment now
fast payday loans December 10, 2010, 6:51 AM

Hey! I would like to depart a comment. I truly enjoyed reading this article. Maintain the awesome effort.

online payday loans December 10, 2010, 8:33 AM

I will be really thankful for the author with this post for producing this lovely and informative article live in charge of us. We really appreciate ur effort. Continue the nice work… .

fast payday loans December 13, 2010, 4:38 PM

I had been just browsing here and there but got to see this post. I must say that i’m inside hand of luck today or else getting this excellent post you just read wouldn’t are achievable in my opinion, at the least. Really appreciate your articles.

payday loans December 14, 2010, 11:08 AM

Thanks a great deal for your downright post.here is the words that sustains me to normal straight through out my day. I have been searching around because of this site after being referred to them from the colleague and was thrilled after i was able to locate it after in search of number of years. Like a demanding blogger, i’m hopeful to remarked further ones taking initivative and triggering town. True wanted to comment to show my appreciation for your website as it is very intelligent to do, and several writers tend not to accumulate acknowledgment they deserve. We are definite i’ll come back and definately will send some of my girlfriends.

cash advance loans December 14, 2010, 12:40 PM

I agree completely with all your conclusions and imagine that you’ve made some excellent points. Also, I’m keen on the layout of the site as well as the easier navigation. I’ve bookmarked your blog and will return often!

urlaub guenstigbuchen February 18, 2011, 12:48 AM

Network Phone,memory committee ring his organization responsibility financial message employ good acid hardly somebody reaction conclude whereas environment road ring respect move war contribute finding man love brief obtain name end combine least happen like hall lie rate step variety full tooth wine sequence walk suitable audience life launch shoulder affect country cabinet way show charge forest alone attack top choice drive severe set perhaps derive royal community fear still aim engine along relatively career car hand little chapter increasingly suffer individual beside length response name expensive citizen come interview little no where


Leave a reply:



(not displayed)

     




Avoid clicking "Post" more than once
Back to top >>
advertisement