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One Mom's Nervous Breakdown

posted Friday, September 10, 2010
filed under: family
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Guest blogger Cindy: This has been a long summer vacation for my kids -- one that's STILL going on because of the budget cuts in our school district. The remainder of the summer break wouldn't have been a big deal (for me, anyway) if the kids' camp hadn't ended two weeks ago ... which means that I have been faced with keeping them at home while trying to work from my home office.

woman screaming
We have a pool, so I figured the kids would just fill the rest of the summer with swimming and other ways of entertaining themselves. How bad could it be? The universe, it turns out, had definite views on the matter ....

My kids didn't want to swim. They wanted me to take them places, referee their constant fights and provide other forms of entertainment (the water park, Six Flags, etc.), all while whining incessantly, making noise and creating mess on top of more mess. After a week of this, I completely lost it. I screamed at them, threatened everything I could think of and then went and sat in my car to rest my forehead on the steering wheel and cry. I thought, I get how parents walk out on their kids. I get it. I would never do that, of course, but at that moment I sure wanted to. 

If there are parents who are exposed to this consistently ... well, I don't see how they keep their sanity. Mine, I was pretty sure, had just taken off. I had never felt more hopeless. I called my husband -- who had little sympathy because he was headed into a meeting -- and he told me to "buck up." I knew he was right: We had these children by choice, and it's a parent's duty to raise responsible, kind and loving members of society -- no matter how hard it gets at times. But I had reached a limit I didn't know existed. 

I locked myself in my room for the rest of the afternoon, and when my husband walked in that night, I passed him on my way out. I just grabbed the keys and drove and cried and cried and cried. I didn't know I had that many tears. When I got home, I went straight to bed without talking to anyone. The next morning when I woke up, as soon as I realized where I was (within close proximity to my children), I seized up as if I were readying myself for battle. And then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried some more. When I looked in the mirror, it was as if someone from a mugshot was staring back at me. My kids knew something was up, and at separate times, they each tried to comfort me. But I wanted to be alone. 

One part of me knew that something inside me had flipped out, but that part of me didn't necessarily care. I just wanted it all to go away -- which I knew wouldn't (couldn't) happen -- and so I felt trapped. It was horrible. I was horrible. 

That night, my husband surprised me with a sitter, and he took me to a movie. Except as soon as we parked in front of the theater, I started sobbing, and he ended up driving me around for two hours while my nose ran and I stared out the window, silent, like a mental patient. God knows what was going through his head -- I know he didn't bargain for a wife who couldn't effectively deal with her own children. But I couldn't help it. 

It took a full four days for me to come out of whatever it was that had taken hold of me. That's something you don't think about before you have kids: You can't just walk away. Granted, you don't think you'd ever want to, but still -- things happen that are unexpected, and suddenly you're this person you thought you'd never be. It's not like dating, where you can break up with someone if it doesn't work out. Those kids are always gonna be there, and you do have to buck up. 

I realize this whole thing is not their fault -- it's mine. It's my lack of parenting skills, of coping skills. I have less than a week before they go back to school, and when they do, I will be able to process why I reacted like I did. To be honest, I'm kind of scared of myself, because now I know what can happen. How can a mother let something so mundane make her so crazy? I'm guessing what I had was some kind of nervous breakdown. 

I would appreciate advice from any readers out there. I'm sure I'll get all kinds of negative comments (and I probably deserve them), but hopefully somebody's out there with some compassion who could give me some kind words.


next: Want Bilingual Kids? Use Your Nanny!
31 comments so far | Post a comment now
Mary Green September 20, 2010, 9:37 AM

A Mother is the most important TEACHER to her children for life. To raise your children in the new GREEN Economy, explore and investigate GREEN for families online. You will enjoy this. It is creative, it is fun, it is collective SHARING and CARING. You and your kids are part of a Global Community. Encourage your kids to choose how they CARE and SHARE. Give them choices. A vote in GREEN. Investigate community local parks, nature classes, museums, for creative ideas. Check out arts and crafts from recycled materials, paint and dyes from plants and veggies, dye old t shirts, rags, scarves. Have fun. Experiment. Learn together. Plant a garden, cook, make bread, pick and preserve local fruits and veggies, write and record original family recipes, create a family scrapbook, write a poem, write a story, illustrate same, create original folk art, have an art show, camp in the backyard, count stars, say hello to the Moon, go to the library, enjoy free activities for kids @ library, read books, share ideas from books, share your childhood stories, your favorite color, build a solar oven, use it, build a windmill, build a bird feeder, bird watch, donate family time to your fav non profit, bake a cake, eat it together and celebrate a happy day. :) Summer’s gone. Do you miss the freedom with your kids? Do you miss their smiles and enthusiasm? Are you grateful for your life as a Mom? Congratulations, you followed your healthy heart. If we are grateful and exercise natural resources, nature takes it’s course. Nature-Nurture. Here comes Autumn. Have fun! Love and hugs, Mary Green :)

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Flygirl November 16, 2010, 10:00 PM

I know exactly how you feel! My problem is Worse though. It has been happening more and more lately that I snap at everything . I have had a few really bad “breakdowns” and I agree with Lisa about the hubby! He needs to step up. My problem is my hubbie I honestly believe iits all his fault. I tell him, he’s not just a paycheck and he’s not their friend he’s their parent and he needs to step up. I am like “the gustapo” he lets them do and get away with anything . Mine are 7(girl) and 12 (boy) and I feel horrible saying it but sometimes I feel like walking away… I have been trying to get hubby with me to counseling,parenting classes but he refuses. Its a shame but I see divorce in the future for us .iT really sucks because we love eachother so much but for my sanity and childrens well being, its looking like this may be the only answer. I am the only one parenting at this point anyway! My kids attitudes and things they do and disrespect is just getting worse and worse every day…I notice when hubby works late and he’s not around they are much more behaved when alone with me. They know they can’t play me and know who has the iron fist…Im just tired of being that while he sits back obliviously. Do any of you have a situation like me where they daddy doesn’t parennt at all and just wants to be their friend , never says no or is stern? No boundaries… sorry for venting my issues but I really wish you the best in finding your balance. I don’t think I will find mine anytime soon :(

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