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PiscesParenting the Defiant Child
Guest blogger Maggie Vink: Sometimes, I need to take a good, long look in the mirror. My son can be a sweetheart, but he can also be a real stinker. He's contrary to the point of ridiculousness at times, and any request that sounds remotely like a demand will make him stubbornly dig in his heels and refuse to do what I'm asking. If I were even to demand that he ride his skateboard (one of his favorite things), I'd have World War III in my living room. His defiance is never about what's being asked of him; it's simply about the fact that he was asked -- and his need for control.
- Maintain structure: Stick to a schedule and a routine that your child can count on.
- Don't engage: Don't participate in arguments your child tries to initiate.
- Offer choices: Whenever possible, give your child some control by offering options.
- Compromise: You want him to do his homework right away; he wants to go outside and play (or watch TV or whatever). Let him control when he starts his homework, but don't let him have privileges until it's completed.
- Pick your battles: When you've got bigger fish frying, is it really a big deal that your child forgot to bring a glass to the sink when he was done with it?
- Catch your child doing good: Take every opportunity to praise your child and give him affection and love.
- Discipline wisely: Sometimes when a child is defiant or rude, addressing the bad behavior in the moment will only escalate the situation. If that's the case, take a deep breath and bide your time. Later, when he's calm, talk to your child about the situation and give appropriate consequences.
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- 15 Comments
So helpful! I have a toddler who is already showing signs of being defiant…I am trying to balance my admiration for his independence and strong will with the right approach to teaching respect and getting things done. I think it’s great that you didn’t settle for blaming your son’s history, but created a solution that gives him more behavioral choices.
@Scott, I like your viewpoint. My son also has ADHD and, though it’s troublesome at times, I also think there’s beauty in that. He’s much more free thinking than the average Joe and I love that about him! The defiance, on the other hand… it’s pretty hard to love that. :-)
@Jeanne-Marie, it’s not easy and it doesn’t always work. My son is just defiant by nature. But it’s so much better now that I don’t escalate the situations. The worst is when I have to let things go a bit and then address them later. I sometimes feel like I’m letting him get away with being disrespectful. But, really, I’m not. He doesn’t get what he wants by being that way — I just don’t tackle the issue until later when he’s calm. Good luck with your little one! Starting respect lessons when your child is so small will really pay off!
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My son is 10 1/2 yrs old and has been diagnosed with ADHD with a mood disorder. I have attended parenting classes concerning how to parent a child with these diagnoses and I have done research. I am at my witts end with the defiance. We have experienced a lot of changes over the past year to include me remarrying and moving to another city which means a school change. He will not do his schoolwork, he lies about anything that will create a conflict, he’s disrespectful to me, my husband and the babysitter. He disrupts the household every single day. His 7 year old sister has to listen to all of it. It is affecting my health as I have Fibromyalga. The stress got so bad a couple of weeks ago I ended up at the emergency room. I love my son dearly and would die for him but I simply refuse to let him fail and/or not grow into a good man that makes positive contributions to society. I don’t know what to do anymore to get him to cooperate. We have used grounding, taking things away, Token Economy, behavior charts, one on one time with the parent he chooses. In addition to the issues above, he is having #2 accidents in his pants. He has been wearing Goodnight paper pants for 6 months! I think he has become complacent with them and hasn’t a care in the world anymore about having to wear them. Any feedback and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I feel like a bad mother and I want to help my son. I know he would be happier if things changed.
@Melissa,
I know how you feel! My son’s behaviors often make me feel like I’m a terrible mother, too. I’ve tried every reward and consequence system, too, but (with my son) the problem is is that there is very little that he cares enough about to have an effect. My best methods are to not engage in the heat of the moment — it just makes things worse. Try to give your child nothing when he’s acting defiant/rude. No attention, no anger, nothing. If he’s like my son, he’ll try harder and harder to get you to engage. But hold fast. Don’t give in and don’t give attention. When the heat of the moment has past, then you can put down consequences for the behavior. That’s what works for me anyway.
Regarding the encopresis, you should probably talk to a doctor. There are a lot of underlying reasons for encopresis and it’s possible there’s a medical issue. That being said, my son used to voluntarily pee on things (his carpet, the wall, etc.) and it’s frustrating beyond belief. In our case, it was due to his abusive past and his need for control. We’ve worked through the worst of it with therapy, LOTS of talking and age.
been following your weblog for three days now and that i must say i’m beginning to like your post. and now how do i sign up for your blog?
that is what i’ve been trying to say all this time
would not that be righteous?
This domain appears to get a great deal of visitors. How do you promote it? It gives a nice individual spin on things. I guess having something real or substantial to say is the most important thing.
Thank you
Valuable
Practical
I notice you have not written one more weblog for a while?
What a rubbish. How can you call it a website. Change the style, so it will be a bit more interesting
I was defiant as a teenager. Maybe I’m biased but I see a certain amount of defiance as a good thing. The teenage years are when we break out and test ourselves in the world. Our views against the views of our parents and other superiors. Granted, too much defiance is still a problem.
Scott
http://sahdandlovingit.blogspot.com/