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Halloween Question: 'What's a Sexy Witch, Mommy?'

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Dani Klein Modisett: "Hey, Mom, what's a sexy witch?" my second grade son asked me this afternoon -- the downside of his having learned to read. We were at the Halloween America store, a shop that appears out of nowhere annually and stays around just long enough to transform into Christmas America before disappearing again.

Sexy witch costume
Gabriel was reading the label on the costume. Under the words "Sexy Witch," in what I guess someone thought was "scary font," was a picture of a bodacious woman, all cleavage and slender legs, wearing a pointy black hat.

"A witch you'd like to sleep with," the comic in me wanted to answer. "A MILF who's a witch." Instead, I paused for a minute, searching for the right answer. Becoming a mother has killed my comedic timing. "A sexy witch is ..." I began, but got distracted looking for my size in the "Sexy Super Woman" costume. "Why don't I see my size here?" I said, wondering in what world an XXL Super Woman is "sexy," and also thinking that my days as a size 4 to 6 are over. These were my choices?

"Mom," Gabriel said, "you didn't answer me!"

"Oh, right. Um, a sexy witch is a witch, like the green one from 'The Wizard of Oz,' only she's not green, she's pretty, and she wears high heels and her boobies are pushed up.Excuse me," I said, stopping a young woman wearing a headset and a bright orange shirt with the store logo on it. "Do you have 'Sexy Super Woman' in an adult small?"

"Let me check. Will you be needing anything else?" she asked, with scary enthusiasm.

"Yeah, something to make my boobies look like this," I said, pointing to the picture. The young girl laughed and turned red.

"Mom! Gross!" my son said.

"What? All the boobies in these costumes look the same. Sexy Nurse, Sexy Fireman, Sexy Nun, all with the stuffed boobies. I could wear a paper bag and cut a hole around my neck with whatever this bra is and call myself 'Sexy Bag Lady.'"

"That's a great idea, Mom. You should totally do that!" Gabriel yelled. He's learning about recycling, so he's going as "Recycled-Box Boy," which has been about as much fun to put together as an Ikea wall unit and, frankly, delivers very little sex appeal.

The clerk was still standing there, waiting for something serious to come out of our mouths. Not hearing it, she disappeared. "Mom, I'm not sure about you and sexy," said my son.

"Neither am I," I said, sounding like Bea Arthur. "Those ladies look stupid and fake."

"I think so, too. But ... maybe you could pull it off."

"Thanks, honey. I hope you always feel that way. Not about me; you don't need to find me sexy. In fact, it's probably best not to -- I mean, the part about fake and stupid not being sexy. Intelligent, strong, funny women ... I hope you find that sexy."

"Sure, Mom," he said, stretching a blue latex "Avatar" mask over his face.

"A smart, independent, funny woman who knows where to buy a good bra."

"MOOOOOM!!"


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55 comments so far | Post a comment now
FranWell, this was funny, as I'm sure it was October 27, 2010, 6:25 AM

Well, this was funny, as I’m sure it was meant to be. So, I get it….it’s a humor piece. But still. That’s what you talk about with your son? There’s nothing more appalling to me than when kids say, “boobies!” That’s not cute. And I certainly don’t want my second grader learning what constitutes ‘sexy,’ even if it’s good qualities (like intelligence, compassion, etc.) However, to each his own, I suppose.

Tina October 27, 2010, 6:33 AM

@Franwell - Do you expect them to use breasts? I’ve never met a 2nd grader that said breasts.

ljsmommy October 27, 2010, 7:16 AM

@tina my son is almost 5 & he uses the word “breasts” sometimes he calls them ” mommy milk” tho :)

I have a problem with him reading the word “sexy” wow I guess I have all these thing to look foward too I have no idea what I would say then again I would not be in that section looking in the 1st place

Fran October 27, 2010, 7:21 AM

My second grader also says, “breasts,” as well as the correct words for other body parts. At his age, he does not need to know that breasts are for sex. He knows they’re for breastfeeding, but otherwise that’s it. If my son asked me what sexy meant, I’d tell him it was something he’d learn when he was older and that’s that. I don’t need him to reassure me that I’m still sexy, either.

ljsmommy October 27, 2010, 7:28 AM

@Fran there you go you will learn when you get older and yes my son knows all the proper names too but breast are not for sex they are for babies just sayin ;)

but I read some where when kids ask like what is sex for example you ask them well what do you think it is? then you see what they say or you can just say sex is what you are boy or girl but sexy yeah Im with Fran Id prob say we will talk about it later then change the subject :)

XXXX October 27, 2010, 8:39 AM

He’ll get over it!

Robin October 27, 2010, 11:48 AM

What happened to just saying chest? It’s great. It’s neutral. It keeps your child from loudly asking “Mommy, why does that man have breasts?” in Walmart.

Valley October 27, 2010, 4:43 PM

Good point, Robin! Chest is what we say, too.

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