Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the Defendant stands before you unjustly accused by the Plaintiff of being "the meanest mother in the world." We offer, therefore, this exchange as exculpatory evidence:
DEFENDANT: We need to talk.
PLAINTIFF: Are you going to yell at me?
PLAINTIFF: You always yell at me.
DEFENDANT: No, I don't. But we need to talk about your grades.
DEFENDANT: Because they're not good.
PLAINTIFF: Yes, they are.
DEFENDANT: You've got three Cs and a D!
PLAINTIFF: But they used to be three Ds and an F!
DEFENDANT: Obviously, you need to change your study habits.
PLAINTIFF: Why? Didn't I just tell you I raised my grades?
DEFENDANT: You can't monitor your Facebook page, text, listen to music and study all at the same time.
PLAINTIFF: Yes, I can.
DEFENDANT: You can do a good job of studying while you text, chat and listen to music?!
PLAINTIFF: I didn't say that.
DEFENDANT: Yes, you did!
PLAINTIFF: No, I didn't.
DEFENDANT: I just said that you can't be on Facebook, text, listen to music and do a good job studying, all at the same time, and you said, "Yes, I can."
PLAINTIFF: No, I didn't. I said I could do them at the same time. I didn't use the words "good job."
DEFENDANT (sputter of frustration, followed by glimmer of triumph): Aha! So in other words, you're admitting that your grades are bad because you don't study hard enough!
DEFENDANT: You just said you don't do a good job of studying.
PLAINTIFF: No, I don't admit my grades are bad.
DEFENDANT: So, you think Cs and Ds are OK?
PLAINTIFF: They're better than Ds and Fs.
DEFENDANT: You think you're going to get into the college you want with grades like that? Do you even want to go to college? Your father and I are trying very hard to give you the best education, and you are throwing it away! You may not think it's important right now, but believe me, you will! Believe me, when you're older, you're going to wish you ....
(DEFENDANT notices that PLAINTIFF is answering a text.)
DEFENDANT: That's it! No phone or computer privileges for a week! And it will be even longer if I don't start seeing some Bs and As!
PLAINTIFF: You said you weren't going to yell! This is why I can't talk to you! You're the meanest mother in the world!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the Defense rests ... and boy, does she need a rest!