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Stepbomb Signing Off

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Stepbomb: I've decided it's time to say goodbye. I'm going to stop writing "Stepbomb" because I need to give my full focus to fixing the situation between my husband's ex-wife and me.

Confessions of a Stepmom

Since day one, I've felt that I was thrust into a side of divorce I was unprepared for. Although I've lived through divorce (my parents are divorced and I have a stepmother), I was still shocked by how hard it is to be a stepparent.

Of course, if the mother of my stepchildren had welcomed me with open arms, I would have been telling you a very different story over these past few months. Naively, I'd thought that was going to happen, based on our relationship for the two years prior to me getting engaged to her ex-husband. We were friendly at sporting events, had dinner together and always had pleasant exchanges.

I do not blame my husband's ex-wife for all of our problems. I take responsibility for the mistakes I've made, and I've done my best to learn from them. The purpose of writing this post each week was to gain insight from you. And I thank each and every one of you for providing me with your opinions.

My plan is to work even harder to build a relationship with my husband's ex-wife, to see her side of things, to give her more credit for how hard it must be to watch another woman build a relationship with her daughters. My husband, who is a very active father and has by no means ever shirked his responsibilities to his children, is also working even harder to better his relationship with his ex-wife. 

I will say that unless you've directly walked in the shoes of a stepmother, you will never truly know how hard it is. Imagine marrying the love of your life and also falling in love with his children, only to be constantly reminded that you belong in the background, that you aren't a "real" parent. I believe there is a middle ground that needs to be discovered between biological mothers and stepmothers. And until that happens, until misperceptions and insecurity (on both sides) can be put aside for the sake of the children, we are going to continue to have rocky post-divorce situations that aren't fair to anyone -- especially the children. And at the end of the day, the most important people to me in this situation are my stepchildren.

Thank you for reading each week.

next: Sad News: Kelsey Grammer's Girlfriend Suffers Miscarriage
12 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kelly October 11, 2010, 12:46 PM

Because I have no experience with step-parents, step-children, or ex-spouses, I’ve never commented on your posts, but I have read them all, along with the comments. My opinion is irrelevant, but I will say I’m sorry some people were so openly mean to you. Good luck with your family. :)

Anonymous October 11, 2010, 1:30 PM

Good luck! I don’t think you’re the only stepmom out there struggling. Check out some of the books in your library.

Robin October 11, 2010, 4:32 PM

Today my 5 year old asked me what a step parent is. I told him, “If your parents aren’t married anymore and they marry someone else, that person is your step parent. It’s another person that loves you and a new part of your family, because family isn’t just blood, family is made of the people that really love you.” I know it to be true because some of the best parts of MY family aren’t even related to me.

Anonymous October 11, 2010, 5:49 PM

Good luck with everything! I have followed all your articles and although i don’t have step parents I have a step grandfather. I love him with all my heart and soul and he has never treated me like anything but one of his own. Just continue to love the children and do what’s best for them just like you have!

PS. I didn’t ever think your husband shirked his responsibilities, he just loves you enough to include you in EVERY aspect of his life just like he should. Once again Best of luck!

Anonymous October 12, 2010, 9:31 AM

I think it’s still funny that she says how “active” the father is, yet it’s her that does the “parenting” when the kids are with them.

And even leaving she still blames the real mom. Seriously, take a step back, stop overstepping boundaries, stop trying to be the cool friedn who only says yes to things because their mom doesn’t. Then maybe you’ll earn some respect because from your posts it seems you haven’t done anything but be a destructive force.

Carol October 12, 2010, 10:29 PM

I suspect the real reason Stepbomb is stopping is becasue she didn’t all the support she thought she would.
People were only responding to what she posted.
Even the most mild and constructive criticism was met with justifications and contradiction from what was blogged and the posted response to comments.

StepkidStepmomTwo October 12, 2010, 10:39 PM

Ditto on what Anonymous and Carol said.

Stop playing martyr, stop overstepping boundaries, stop making excuses for dad making you be the parent, stop communicating with mom (that’s dad job), stop being the cool buddy fried who never says no.

But mostly stop playing wounded martyr.

REALMOM October 13, 2010, 1:11 PM

Ditto Stepkidstepmomtwo & Carol, I don’t think she will ever change, She’s determined to be those girls mom no matter what. Maybe there’s a problem with her having her own children and they can’t produce any of their own and she really wants to play mommy with the husbands kids.Granted she’s their SM; but I just can’t see someone fighting soooo hard to parent someone elses children and is almost always met with dificulty for doing so. OR, she likes drama so maybe she needs some help.

Terri October 23, 2010, 9:31 AM

I have never read your post until today and I can so sympathized with your situation… I am a new stepmom and the kids live with their father and I. To carol and the rest who put negative comments…’s not always about trying to take the mom’s place. My boys real mom as she is called doesn’t want anything to do with them until it will make her look good and her and i have been and still are friends. I love my stepkids they are part of the best thing in my life and if trying to provide them with a family that loves them and is complete then damn it i guess i am just wrong! Are you a stepmom? I was adopted as a child and giving birth to someone doesn’t make you a parent, it’s being there no matter what. And before you say I may have problems having my own children as well, I have 2 of my own and we are a happy family, If things were perfect 100% of the time it wouldn’t be called life would it?

immigration solicitor  February 11, 2011, 2:03 AM

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GR June 8, 2011, 3:51 PM

Reading these stepbomb entries feels like I’m reading verbatim from my own experience as a stepmom. I wish I knew more stepmom’s like you Stepbomb, keep up the amazing and hard work!

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