twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Divorce Dialogues: 'I Had to Give Up the Dream of the Perfect Life'

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

Guest blogger Kate Meyers: Gabby had known her first husband for about a year and a half before they got engaged. He was a partner in the law firm where she worked as a very junior associate. He had been married once before. They were separated after two years. "I was 29, and we were married five-ish years," she says. "We were separated after about two years, and were officially divorced after five. The unwind probably took longer than the windup." Gabby has been happily remarried for ten years, and she and her second husband have a son.

woman crying
momlogic: Why did you get divorced? 

Gabby: My ex-husband was kind of negative person, and I was under the mistaken impression that we had fallen in love and I was going to turn that negativity around and I would bring happiness to his life. At the time, I was probably more naive than I should have been to think I would have this positive impact. Within the two-year mark, I discovered he was having an affair. I confronted him. I fully expected an apology, but he denied it and was outraged and he moved out. I felt used, abused and embarrassed. I wish I had talked to the ex-wife, because I later learned that her story and mine were pretty identical. But I don't know if I would have believed it then. I ultimately had to make a decision that I would be happier in the long run leaving the marriage; if I never met another guy, never fell in love again and never had a child, I would be better off than if I stayed in the relationship with him. I just got to the place where that was far better than what I was living with every day. It took me a long time to get there. 

ml: How did the experience change you? 

G: It changed me pretty dramatically. I would say I ended up in a really emotionally abusive relationship. He not only had an affair, at first he denied it, and then he said it was my fault. We went to therapy together and he'd act like he wanted to work it out, but he was always blaming me and wanting me to cut myself off from my friends and family. And I even tried that, but it never worked. I had to give up on the dream of the marriage and the perfect life and perfect family in the suburbs that I had been holding on to. I also had to climb out of this hole that I had dug for myself. In the end, what I really learned is that I would never give any person that kind of power over me emotionally again. I'm much more protective of myself and my boundaries. 

ml: What was the best thing to come out of it? 

G: That process had to take place in order for me to be in the right frame of mind to meet the REAL love of my life -- my current husband. That sounds fairy tale-ish, but it's actually true. The other piece is -- and I think this is important -- while I was working through this separation/divorce process (living apart, therapy, etc.), at some point in that process, I met my current husband. It was the first time I had met someone who had sparked my interest. It was the first time I had felt anything toward another man in so long. We weren't dating; he was dating someone else. It was just a thought and it gave me a glimmer of hope that there was something else out there. It gave me the courage to walk away from my doomed marriage. 

Eight months later, my now-husband and I started dating. I finally experienced what it felt like to be in a relationship of equals where we really are each other's best friends. We choose to do things and participate in each other's lives as fully as we can. It's always work to be in a relationship, but I'm not afraid of anything in the relationship and I think I was really afraid in my first marriage. It's amazing to wake up every day together and go to bed every night together and deal with everything that happens in between. We've been married ten years and our son is 9. He's got an ex-wife and I have a 16-year-old stepson, so there have been bumps in the road, but we figure them out. I always feel supported, loved, adored, cherished even when I'm not perfect.

next: Celebrating Dia de Los Muertos
68 comments so far | Post a comment now
Solar Pv Energy April 4, 2011, 3:27 AM

Hey this can be a attractive looking site, is this wordpress? Forgive me for the foolish question - but when so, what theme is? Thanks! :-)

Clifford Ozuna April 4, 2011, 10:14 AM

fifty three; eighty nine; two

Roofing Philadelphia April 4, 2011, 5:47 PM

This really solved my problem, thank you!

lyme disease April 4, 2011, 7:02 PM

Well I found this on Digg, and I like it so I dugg it!

Psykoterapi April 4, 2011, 8:22 PM

I like this weblog so much, saved to my bookmarks .

scrapebox April 5, 2011, 7:38 AM

Hello. Thank you for posting this!

Christine I. Kirby April 5, 2011, 2:32 PM

Hi folks, - found out about your current internet site accidentally whilst searching around the net this evening, and pleased that I did! I do like the structure and colorings, but I ought to point out that I’m having trouble when it loads. I’m making use of Classilla 9 browser for mac, and the menu will not align the right way. i am confident I have made use of the same layout on a customer’s website, but the menu seems O.k on mine. I think the mistake is with my outdated browser and perhaps it’s the perfect time to change!

cleaning services April 5, 2011, 8:50 PM

Hey I was just reading your post on my Blackberry and I was thinking about how well it will work on the new ipad coming out . Fleeting thought…. Anyway thanks!

jatekok lanyoknak  April 5, 2011, 11:53 PM

Ordinary this publish is totaly unrelated to what I used to be looking google for, but it surely used to be listed at the first page. I suppose your doing one thing proper if Google likes you enough to put you at the first web page of a non comparable search.

program tv April 6, 2011, 3:35 AM

My brother recommended I might like this web site. He was totally right. This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

Photovoltaic Solar Power April 6, 2011, 10:03 AM

Someone I work with visits your site regularly and encouraged it to me to see as well. The way of writing is excellent and the content is top-notch. Thanks for the perception you supply the readers!

seo April 6, 2011, 11:13 AM

I was just searching for this information for some time. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your site. I wonder what’s the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this kind of informative web sites in top of the list. Usually the top websites are full of garbage.

Residential Pressure Washing Phoenix April 6, 2011, 2:14 PM

Great beat ! I would like to apprentice even as you amend your site, how can i subscribe for a weblog web site? The account aided me a appropriate deal. I were a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided shiny clear idea

BioBasics April 6, 2011, 6:38 PM

This website is pretty good! How can I make one like this !?

bota förkylning info April 6, 2011, 8:49 PM

I believe you have observed some very interesting details , appreciate it for the post.

las vegas season 5 April 6, 2011, 9:33 PM

We appreciate your posts and look forward to coming back

life plus products April 6, 2011, 10:37 PM

Does you hosting is speed?

Life Plus vitamins April 6, 2011, 10:37 PM

Dude! This site is awesome. How did you make it look like this .

contemporary art paintings new york April 7, 2011, 6:35 AM

Yes because it provides detailed information to help us understand to know more about it.

xrumer April 7, 2011, 3:04 PM

It’s perfect time to make a few plans for the future and it’s time to be happy. I have learn this publish and if I may just I wish to recommend you some interesting things or suggestions. Perhaps you can write next articles relating to this article. I want to learn even more things approximately it!

Back to top >>