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'I Fell In Love with My Baby, and Out of Love with My Husband'

by jessica katz  posted Saturday, November 20, 2010
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Guest blogger Jessica Katz: As soon as you have your baby, you are in love. You finally understand how much your parents must love you, and you feel love in a whole new way -- a way you never thought possible. The problem is, as you fall in love with your baby, you often fall out of love with your husband.

mom and baby
This is not an uncommon phenomenon. You spend all of your time with the baby; it consumes you. If you breastfeed, you release oxytocin, which you also release during an orgasm. And you spend so much of your day holding your baby that it often fulfills your need for physical intimacy. 

I remember that when I was pregnant, my mom and my mother-in-law both wrote me letters expressing the importance of not forgetting how to be a wife when I became a mom. My mom had been a victim of this, and it eventually ruined her marriage. As soon as she had kids, everything was about the kids. She forgot how to be a wife. She would actually encourage my father to travel with us kids or have daddy date nights with me rather than her. My father felt emotionally and physically neglected. He eventually had an affair, which led to a divorce. He told me, "Starving people eat out of trash cans, but if you're full, you can pass by your favorite restaurant and not want a bite." He was basically telling me he had been starved for attention. 

I was terrified of following in my mother's footsteps. My husband and I took a two-week trip sans baby when our daughter was 5 months old. I missed her like crazy, but I wanted my husband to feel like a priority, too. I find it terribly hard to balance. I spend all day with my daughter, and by the time she goes to bed, I am spent. I do not have the energy for my husband, to be a fun and sexy wife. 

It's stressful for him, and stressful for me. I worry about our lack of time together, because I am all about my daughter all of the time. My husband and I have planned another trip to Mexico after Thanksgiving without our daughter. Most of my friends have never really left their kids. They ask me (with judgment), "How can you leave her?!"

My daughter will be fine. She will be with her grandmother, being spoiled. And I also think it is important for her to have quality time with her grandma. I was very close to mine. I am the one I should be worried about: I will miss her like crazy. But I need to make time for my husband and my marriage. He deserves a partner and wife. 

So how do you keep yourself from falling out of love with your husband? 

  • Make date nights and get time away, even if it is only a weekend trip or a night at a local hotel. You need time when you don't have to be a mom and can just be a wife. 
  • Remember to shower, groom and dress. It's easy to get into sweat-pants mode and forget to shave your legs. 
  • Remember that a happy home includes your husband and your baby. You spend so much of your time trying to keep your kids happy, you sometimes forget about yourself and your spouse. 
At the end of the day, your kids are going to grow up and move away. And all too often, marriages fall prey to problems then because couples don't know what to do as husband and wife. They only know how to be parents. Parenthood is a longterm plan. Think of everyone's futures, even if you want to crawl in bed at 6 PM.


next: Fancy Parties for 1-Year-Olds Are a Waste of Money!
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