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I Wanted a Baby; He Didn't

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Anonymous: My daughter was 8 months old when I sat there in couples therapy and blurted out that I wasn't sure I could have another baby with my husband. People always say your spouse should treat you like a princess when you are pregnant. Mine didn't. He was insensitive and I was depressed, alone and sick during my whole pregnancy -- yet this was the first time I'd told him about it. My therapist was shocked: "You kept all this in for eight months?!" Yes, I had -- and I was noticeably distant from my husband. I explained that I'd been afraid to complain.

woman holding a baby
I was 29 years old when I met my husband. He was six months younger than me. I told him that if we were not going to be engaged in a year, I wasn't sticking around. I wanted to get married and have a baby, and I didn't want to waste any time. The glitch? My husband wanted to wait until he was 40 years old to have kids. He wasn't even sure he liked kids.

I had a medical reason to get pregnant sooner rather than later: I am a type 1 diabetic, and my endocrinologist had told me that I was fighting a ticking clock if I wanted to have my own baby. She told me that if "this guy" didn't want a kid and I did, then I needed to ditch him and find a new guy. When I relayed this to my now-husband, he was floored. But shockingly, he agreed we could try. 

A few months later, I went off the Pill -- and after one month, I was pregnant. We were both shocked it had happened so fast. I'd told him I thought it would take six months to a year to get pregnant. He felt tricked. 

As soon as I was pregnant, I was really sick, and I stayed that way my whole pregnancy. As I sat there vomiting, my husband would say, "You wanted this." He was not at all sympathetic. Throughout my pregnancy, I would go and stay with my mom because I felt so alone and isolated. I was depressed and resented him. But I felt like I wasn't allowed to complain because this had been my idea. I was the one who'd forced him to alter his life and have a baby. I wanted it to appear fun and less life-altering, and most of all, I didn't want him to resent our daughter. 

When he promised he would not act that way a second time, I asked why he'd ever acted that way. He said, "I didn't know how cool our daughter would be." He wasn't connected to the pregnancy the way I was, which is fairly common. Yet I needed support, and he didn't give it to me -- and I was too afraid to speak up because I feared hearing, "This is why I didn't want kids." My friends would remind me that he willingly did this. He knew what he was doing. But he reminded me that I'd talked him into it. 

I am pregnant for the second time. And just as sick. However, he has been amazing so far, and I make sure to keep giving him positive reinforcement. He is trying really hard. And this time, the pregnancy was all his idea.

next: Marijuana and Morning Sickness
14 comments so far | Post a comment now
india November 18, 2010, 6:27 AM

I can totally relate to this me and my boyfriend planned a pregnancy and just like you I thought it would take 6mo-a year, it happened in 2 months. From the moment I told him I was pregnant there was a disconnect he’s was uncaring, selfish and not supportive at all, I never understood why since we both planned it. Our amazing son is 4 month old now and I still resent him, he’s an amazing father but I still can’t get over those 9 months. I was so sick and miserable the entire time, and he didn’t come around until I’d say the last week of my pregnancy. But he was amazing at the birth cried when I was in pain and cried when he met our beautiful son. Maybe couples therapy can help.

Laura R. November 18, 2010, 6:36 AM

I can relate in a way. My husband was selfish and didn’t support me much when out second child arrived. I had a newborn and a 3 year old to deal with every day. At the end of the day I was “touched out” yet he would throw a childish hissy fit if he didn’t get sex every 2 to 3 days. I told him to take the 3 yr old up for a bath and bed, which he scoffed at, so I could feed the newborn. When he came down about 45 min later the newborn and I had fallen asleep on the couch. He loudly exclaimed “Oh come on!” and stamped his foot. No sympathy just pity for himself because it appeared that he wasn’t going to get any sex. No matter how tired I was he still wanted his sex. As a result, I could care less about sex.

Lisa R. November 18, 2010, 6:37 AM

Really, are you kidding me? Why do women insist on having children w/men who clearly do not want them? I think it’s wonderful that your husband came around & is happy about it now, but I’ll bet that you’re in the minority. Your own doctor told you to ditch him & find a new man. When I was single & dating, I never, ever hid the fact that I wanted children. I would not have married a man who did not want children, or was even on the fence about it. When one person wants children & the other doesn’t, there is no compromise, and the one that loses out is the one who wants children. That was not going to happen to me. If my now-husband had told me he never wanted children, I wouldn’t have married him, AND HE KNEW THAT. Women, stop doing this to yourselves. Pick the right man, one who wants what you want. Having a baby should be a happy time, not a nerve-wracking, depressing, resentful 10 months. We all deserve better.

Mom November 18, 2010, 6:37 AM

He agreed to it, but I personally would not have stuck with a guy who I had to cajole that much. Just a bad idea all around. Obviously however, I am glad he has changed for this pregnancy.

Mom of 3 November 18, 2010, 7:26 AM

Men do not have the immediate connection to a baby that women have. We carry them, feel their every move, and share our life with them from day 1. I think that this lack of connection can cause issues with men, especially those with emotional struggles to begin with. My husband was absent emotionally through all 3 of my pregnancies. It hurt me badly in the first pregnancy, but I came to expect it with the other two.

He is a wonderful father, is honest with the children and others about what a jerk he was, and regrets his behavior. I think that it is more common than you may think. Most men do not speak their mind and play the role they are supposed to play for 9 months. Not all, but definitely a larger number than you would think.

Good luck in your pregnancy.

Sharon November 18, 2010, 9:00 AM

Gotta love when people tell you what you should & shouldn’t do in your marriage. Couples have problems, big & small. Some people clearly take their vows more seriously than others. Some of us believe in all that stuff we said when we were married.

Im sorry that the writer had to go through that during her first pregnancy. I commend her for giving therapy a try and for trying to work out these issues with her husband before going for a divorce. No one is perfect. Sometimes we don’t know how we are going to react to a situation and there are plenty of times Im sure many of us have been less than honorable.

I wish the writer and her husband a happy and healthy pregnancy and hope they continue to honor one another and always work through their problems.

Flawless Mom November 18, 2010, 11:39 AM

I have to say I was insanely fortunate with my husband during my pregnancy. (As I am every other day of the year.) I was pretty sick the first four months and he became the “do it all” guy. He brought me food, he propped my head up and gave me blankets, he came to doctor’s appointments, he researched online, he cleaned the litter box! I was treated with such love and care during my pregnancy and the birth, I will forever be grateful.

colleen g November 18, 2010, 1:45 PM

Ladies always remember when considering to have a child with any man, that a woman has the greatest risk of being abused or killed by her boyfriend or husband when she is pregnant. Not having a child with my ex was a blessing.

Carol November 18, 2010, 2:17 PM

LisaR - couldn’t have stated it better myself.
I would like to add, what is the blkogger b-tching about? You got everything you wanted - the man, te marriage, teh first baby, the second baby. You’re complaining about your husband’s not feeling sorry for you being sick during the preganancy you wanted? Taht he really didn’t?
Would love to hear how he FELT about your demands - marry me! Give me a baby ,now! Or less I walk! Geeze, talk abou pressure …

???? November 18, 2010, 2:52 PM

Sounds liked a messed up marriage to me.

Justin November 21, 2010, 1:02 PM

This is nuts. You gave him an ultimatum right away that he had to marry you and give you a baby within a year? What ever happened to finding someone, falling in love, and then taking the next step? By starting a family with this guy(who sounds like a jerk, he might be acting cool now, but you have decades of life left with him), you have cheated yourself and your children. Why do women do this type of thing? I don’t care if your doctor says your uterus will disintegrate in a year, you don’t do it this way. I feel sorry for you, your husband and most of all your poor children. They deserved better, but will never have it.

Kelly November 30, 2010, 1:56 PM

I would never have a child with a man who was even a tad hesitant about it. My husband wanted our “baby” and was thrilled when we found out that we were having twins. The boys are 15 months now and he still gets up with them at night and massages my feet. He loves all of us and that’s how having kids should be. You can’t expect a man to stay or get closer to you if you have a child against his will. I also think kids should be born to married couples to provide stability(even same sex couples can pretty much get married!)

susabo65 April 1, 2011, 9:28 AM

There are some types of men, who aren’t ready for the baby, it is rather wait a little time and read resume help

Pug April 10, 2011, 2:55 AM

I cant say Im in complete accordance, thanks to whoever thought of it and for taking the time to write it down

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