Anonymous: My daughter was 8 months old when I sat there in couples therapy and blurted out that I wasn't sure I could have another baby with my husband. People always say your spouse should treat you like a princess when you are pregnant. Mine didn't. He was insensitive and I was depressed, alone and sick during my whole pregnancy -- yet this was the first time I'd told him about it. My therapist was shocked: "You kept all this in for eight months?!" Yes, I had -- and I was noticeably distant from my husband. I explained that I'd been afraid to complain.
I was 29 years old when I met my husband. He was six months
younger than me. I told him that if we were not going to be engaged in a year, I
wasn't sticking around. I wanted to get married and have a baby, and I didn't
want to waste any time. The glitch? My husband wanted to wait until he was 40 years old to have kids. He wasn't even sure he liked kids.
I had a medical reason to get pregnant sooner rather than later: I am a
type 1 diabetic, and my endocrinologist had told me that I was fighting a ticking clock
if I wanted to have my own baby. She told me that if "this guy" didn't want a kid
and I did, then I needed to ditch him and find a new guy. When I relayed this to
my now-husband, he was floored. But shockingly, he agreed we could try.
A few months
later, I went off the Pill -- and after one month, I was pregnant. We were both
shocked it had happened so fast. I'd told him I thought it would take six months to a
year to get pregnant. He felt tricked.
As soon as I was pregnant, I was really sick, and I stayed that way my whole
pregnancy. As I sat there vomiting, my husband would say, "You wanted this." He was not at all sympathetic. Throughout my pregnancy, I would go and stay with my
mom because I felt so alone and isolated. I was depressed and resented him.
But I felt like I wasn't allowed to complain because this had been my idea. I
was the one who'd forced him to alter his life and have a baby. I wanted it to appear fun and less life-altering, and most of all, I
didn't want him to resent our daughter.
When he promised he would not act that
way a second time, I asked why he'd ever acted that way. He said, "I didn't know
how cool our daughter would be." He wasn't connected to the pregnancy the way I
was, which is fairly common. Yet I needed support, and he didn't give it to me -- and I was too afraid to speak up because I feared hearing, "This is why I didn't
want kids." My friends would remind me that he willingly did this. He knew what he was doing.
But he reminded me that I'd talked him into it.
I am pregnant for the second
time. And just as sick. However, he has been amazing so far, and I make sure to
keep giving him positive reinforcement. He is trying really hard. And this
time, the pregnancy was all his idea.