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My Husband Wanted a Paternity Test

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Anonymous: Before I ever got pregnant, my husband told me he wanted a paternity test. He said it was nothing personal, but every smart man should get one. Otherwise, he might get financially stuck raising someone who is not his kid. I was appalled. I kept telling him it meant that he didn't trust me. That he was assuming I would cheat (and be dumb enough to get pregnant).

angry pregnant woman
One time it even came up in front of his parents -- who told him how rude it was. But he was adamant that there would be a paternity test. There was no discussion about it. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even tell my friends or family. Just like prenups and other contracts, he felt it was the sensible thing to do. So I said my kid would take my last name, if that was what he wanted to do. Then I got pregnant, and he went to every ultrasound and doctor's appointment. Each time, I asked him, "Are you seriously going to get a paternity test?" and he would say, "Yes." Even when I said I wouldn't allow it, he said all he needed was a strand of the baby's hair. 

What was this saying about me that he would even think to ask? I had never given him reason to doubt my fidelity. He said it wasn't personal and that he would have asked anyone. Even though we had tried to get pregnant with ovulation sticks and timed intercourse, he still wanted scientific proof. 

When my daughter was born and they handed her to me, there was no denying she was my husband's kid. She was his clone. It was scary how much they looked alike. And in the end, he didn't get the test. He was so in love with her, and there was no denying she was his kid. I was relieved. I asked him what he would do if he found out she wasn't his. And he said he wouldn't be financially responsible for her -- eighteen years is a big investment. 

My daughter looked like him the way most babies look like their father -- for this very reason. It is evolutionary, so in primitive days men, did not abandon their babies. It was the caveman DNA test.

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46 comments so far | Post a comment now
Joan November 9, 2010, 6:12 AM

Holy Cow!! Even knowing this you still had a baby with this man???? That’s not him being cautious….that’s an insult to you!!

Karin November 9, 2010, 6:24 AM

I can see why you posted this anonymously. It’s terrible. And it sounds like your husband is more worried about providing for himself rather than providing for his family.

What an insult to cavemen… at least they looked forward to providing for their families.

Annonymous November 9, 2010, 7:03 AM

I cannot believe you still chose to have a child with this person. I prefer to have my children with someone who is all about loving and trusting me, and loving his kids, not about proof and being saddled with a financial responsibility. I’d have gotten divorced and found someone more suitable to share my life with and raise a family with.

Mary November 9, 2010, 7:29 AM

Do not judge, my husband was the same way, but it was because of what his oldest brother went thru with his oldest kids mom. He took care of 2 kids and found out recently they are not biology his. Evidently her husband had some past issues. Yes its a huge insult, but he was just afraid, and didn’t act on it, just like in this story, everytime one of our babies were born his heart melted.

dionne November 9, 2010, 7:51 AM

your husband should know that in many states if he signed the baby’s birth certificate he’s still financial responsible for the child…whether the child is his or not. and in some states even if you act as the child’s father for a number of years and find out that you’re not the biological father you can STILL be financial responsible. you can’t really be too upset. you knew how he felt about it and you still chose to have his child.

K8 November 9, 2010, 8:25 AM

What a prick!!!

bel November 9, 2010, 8:55 AM

He has every right to ask for one. Put yourself in his shoes. And it has nothing to do with him being selfish. If it wasn’t his baby the man that it the father needs to step up and take care of his responsibility.

Chris November 9, 2010, 9:20 AM

Okay, here is my take on this. Having a child now is an act of faith. A huge one. On many levels.

He’s probably read the studies that seem to indicate that in the USA today, around 18% of all children are not in actuality fathered by their assumed father. Somebody else is their father.

Its not you, its not him. Its our society that is disintegrating, and we are in denial about that.

Jobs are vanishing, for good. This isn’t a recession, its the end of the era of the job.

The truth isn’t sexy. He’s concerned about the future. A child costs around half a million dollars to raise, per parent. A child is expensive, we no longer have that postwar boost we grew up with. Also, the rights to us - and that money- have already been sold.

I’m talking about healthcare - Health care is one sixth of the economy. Health insurance is a parasite.. though.. its much much less.. It employs around 400,000 people, one sixth of one percent. Managed care’s main function is to deny care, and to insulate the government and corporations from responsibility, and shorten the lives of those unlucky enough to have to depend on it.

One sixth versus one sixth OF ONE PERCENT..

Well known politicians often have confused those two figures, two orders of magnitude distant from each other, to justify keeping the wildly inefficient system we have now.

Think of it this way.. the “choice” politicians just made for us of keeping the insane insurance model we have, is basically what having a child or children would cost you and your husband.. around half a million dollars per person.

Its like they just gave your children away to Pharma and AHIP.

In fact, that often happens.. when people lose jobs, then theylose homes, and then everything else falls apart. Often their children are put into foster care and in many cases, eventually, auctioned off to the highest bidder. (average around $50,000 for an infant child in good health. That money often goes to churches who provide the “faith based” adoption facilitator)

Shades of The Handmaids Tale.

Bluntly, if we all want to have children, while we are young and still can, maybe we should consider a move to Canada. Then, we’ll be able to afford them.

Here, that money has already been spoken for.

Thats what your husband is worried about, I bet. Seriously.

momof3 November 9, 2010, 9:29 AM

Personally, I think paternity testing should be automatic with every pregnancy or birth. The number of people who claim false paternity is astounding and while there may or may not be issues of trust, it is a legal issue as well. If a woman has been unfaithful, her husband should not unknowingly have to pay for her mistakes. The law is pro child but men bear the financial burden unfairly many times. If testing is a matter of course rather than an issue of trust it takes the emotion out and everyone is held accountable-Dad knows without a doubt or can choose to accept his wife and her child. Women can and do cheat, just because she can keep her man from suspecting it does not mean he should have to father or pay for another man’s child.

Lilith November 9, 2010, 9:41 AM

I, too, am surprised that you still chose to have a child with him. That would be such a big issue of mistrust for me that I simply wouldn’t want to be with a man like that anymore.

Moopy November 9, 2010, 10:02 AM

Agreed, MomOf3. Well put. Women shouldn’t be put out. If you have nothing to hide, there’s nothing to get defensive about.

R November 9, 2010, 12:28 PM

Since he asked BEFORE you got pregnant with him, I don’t think you have the right to be angry. You had the choice to continue on with this man and have a child with him. For me, it was the same issue but different timing. Mine wanted one after the baby was born. It took several years before finally getting one, did he start acting like a real father. It’s sad, since I never gave off any kind of reason that I had been unfaithful, it was just some past hangups of his. Not my problem, but his. I tried to put myself in his mind to see what it must have felt like, but it doesn’t make a difference to me. I will never forgive him for that. What’s even more insulting is that he had prior children from another marriage that ended with her being unfaithful but he has no doubts those children are his. My child, according to him, was not his, because his prior wife was unfaithful. Doesn’t make any sense to me.

Here’s my thinking. If a man has a reason to believe his wife was cheating, he has a right to ask for a test. If he doesn’t have one, and is just asking for one out of sheer paranoia, then he better have some damn good investigation done before he commits a fatherhood foul like claiming the child is not his.

Anonymous November 9, 2010, 1:14 PM

I look exactly like my dad. He had his doubts but said nothing. Loved me anyway. When I was 32, got the test, and viola, NOT HIS KID! We were both duped. It totally sucks. I would have loved to know who my “dad” was even though I still have a relationship with my non-biological dad. At least for medical purposes. Give the guy a break. It’s better to be sure upfront then to go through the hardship/pain/anguish of finding out later in life.

Kosullivan November 9, 2010, 1:58 PM

Caveman is the right word…

Anonymous November 9, 2010, 2:12 PM

“He said it was nothing personal”. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

It doesn’t get more personal than that, you fool.

KS November 9, 2010, 9:11 PM

He would have gotten his test. Then we would have separated every single financial asset for the remainder of our marriage. The repercussions of that level of distrust would not be know to me or my husband until the day we divorced and he actually realized just how expensive it is to pay child support.

I can understand the want to have a child and the rationalization of this type of behavior but his distrust and planning of divorce wont end at a DNA test. I’m sorry that you made a baby with a man who trusts you about as far as he could throw you.

Anon November 10, 2010, 6:46 AM

Why did you marry this guy? He’s cold and self-centered and he has no understanding of love. He sounded like he had Aspergers, until he changed his mind.

Annie November 10, 2010, 7:47 AM

He didn’t trust you, period. When a guy doesn’t trust you, it generally means he’s cheating himself. BTDT.

Good luck, and best wishes.

pharmacy tech November 13, 2010, 12:49 AM

nice post. thanks.

Anonymous November 14, 2010, 8:13 AM

I think that you just don’t realise that statistics show that at least one in ten men are not the father of children they believe are biologically theirs.

Statistics also show that women are better than men at hiding their affairs.

Any ‘father’ is within his rights to ask for this, just as women are within their rights to abort unwanted babies without the father’s permission.

I’m also curious, I’d like to know how you could refuse to let him take a hair from the head of the child you say is his? He’s the father so you’ll take his money but not let him touch her?

To me, this whole situation is truly tragic. People need to learn to listen to each other and their concerns, and that does have to start with giving as well as receiving. I wish you luck with your new family. I really hope your daughter and her father can be happy with each other. I know how important my own father is to me.

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