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My Husband Wanted a Paternity Test

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Anonymous: Before I ever got pregnant, my husband told me he wanted a paternity test. He said it was nothing personal, but every smart man should get one. Otherwise, he might get financially stuck raising someone who is not his kid. I was appalled. I kept telling him it meant that he didn't trust me. That he was assuming I would cheat (and be dumb enough to get pregnant).

angry pregnant woman
One time it even came up in front of his parents -- who told him how rude it was. But he was adamant that there would be a paternity test. There was no discussion about it. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even tell my friends or family. Just like prenups and other contracts, he felt it was the sensible thing to do. So I said my kid would take my last name, if that was what he wanted to do. Then I got pregnant, and he went to every ultrasound and doctor's appointment. Each time, I asked him, "Are you seriously going to get a paternity test?" and he would say, "Yes." Even when I said I wouldn't allow it, he said all he needed was a strand of the baby's hair. 

What was this saying about me that he would even think to ask? I had never given him reason to doubt my fidelity. He said it wasn't personal and that he would have asked anyone. Even though we had tried to get pregnant with ovulation sticks and timed intercourse, he still wanted scientific proof. 

When my daughter was born and they handed her to me, there was no denying she was my husband's kid. She was his clone. It was scary how much they looked alike. And in the end, he didn't get the test. He was so in love with her, and there was no denying she was his kid. I was relieved. I asked him what he would do if he found out she wasn't his. And he said he wouldn't be financially responsible for her -- eighteen years is a big investment. 

My daughter looked like him the way most babies look like their father -- for this very reason. It is evolutionary, so in primitive days men, did not abandon their babies. It was the caveman DNA test.

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46 comments so far | Post a comment now
missy  November 15, 2010, 12:06 PM

really its not him being a prick or an insult to him.. i have a friend that has a child who has his ex husband last name and she will not let the child have (my friend) last name.. so who’s the prick here.

G November 16, 2010, 2:53 AM

When I got pregnant with my son, I KNEW who the father was. Absolutely and without any doubt. I knew the exact day that I conceived, and confirmed the pregnancy with the doctor 8 days later.

And I still didn’t blame the father for wanting a paternity test.

I understood because I’ve known way too many women who pulled the, “I’m pregnant and it’s yours card,” to hook a guy in, only to have it turn out not to be his kid.

It’s not just a financial thing. It’s an emotional investment thing. If a guy gets emotionally invested in a child, and five years later finds out that not only is it not his kid, but the mother is moving on and they have no legal recourse and will never see that child again, it can be devastating. Just imagine raising a child as your own only to be told, ‘Sucks to be you, but we’re out of here.’ It happens. Way more than people want to believe.

Tony November 16, 2010, 3:53 AM

Her husband is one smart man. No man wants to be financially at the end of a blank support check for 18 years for a mistake ( Baby ).
Women are such liars. Watch Maury TV show. So many times women claim a guy is the father but a DNA test proves hes NOT. ALL so call fathers should get a DNA test on their mistake. It could save him thousands of $$$$. I have always wonder if my grown daughter is my kid. I will have a DNA test done and if its not her mom will get taken care of. No real man will put up with getting screwed over.

Erin Walsh November 16, 2010, 4:37 AM

While the whole situation written about made me sad, reading the some of the comments made me horrified.

If this woman truly gave her husband no reason to suspect infidelity, then he had absolutely no reason to behave as he did.

I can’t blame her for marrying him, since she didn’t say that this issue came up before they were married, but to go ahead and have a child with him after he said it is ridiculous, I would have been out of there so quick it would have made his head spin.

And for everybody out there quoting statistics, that’s actually quite a small amount of men supporting children that aren’t theirs. And I’m sure that’s been happening since the beginning of time, we just didn’t have the DNA testing to prove it.

It’s definitely not an excuse to assume that all women including the one that you married are lying, conniving sluts and treating them as such.

I’ve read that 50-70% of married men cheat, does that mean that women should have the right to treat their husbands like crap and accuse them of it every time they walk through the door late, even though they’ve never shown any sign of cheating?

If you don’t trust someone, you shouldn’t marry them. And if you don’t trust anyone you should never get married at all.

If you’re worried about all women being out there to financially hose you, then the perfect solution is to use your hand and keep your sperm to yourself. Believe me, no one needs you passing down your paranoia to another generation.

Lori  November 16, 2010, 5:59 AM

This Person I would not call a Man or a father but an immature boy who should never have a child Period. Anyone can be a father it takes a Real Man to act like one to any child be it from there sperm or not..If this man was the last man on earth or a caveman I would never want a child with him ..he is a womanizer and most of all a racial on only be accountable to his child ..Good thing he is not Santa CLaus to all the kids right LOL only if it was his ..PFFFFFF maybe he should get himself a snipped so he wouldnt have to put a poor child in his hands of thought .

Jennifer M November 16, 2010, 6:46 AM

Just SUGGESTING this would have led me to leave my husband. It is not behavior that a woman should accept.

Juliet K. November 16, 2010, 6:49 AM

So adoptive fathers shouldn’t care for their children? Or pay for them? This is insulting on SO MANY LEVELS. What a sad commentary on the state of ethics, morals, and trust in America that this would be written—let alone that people would agree with it. If I felt I couldn’t trust my husband, I wouldn’t stay married to him. And vice versa. This should not be even a thought in any REAL marriage between two people with REAL values.

Marabelle November 16, 2010, 6:56 AM

What a freaking jerk. I’d have given him the positive paternity test results and handed him divorce papers at the same time. I wouldn’t stand for that crap, regardless of what kind of past hangups or baggage a man had.

April November 16, 2010, 7:01 AM

Do you know how many of my firends say oh the baby looks like you and it is your knowing good and well it might not be. I do not blame him I had one done on each of my kids. There is no denying when it comes down to blood. I think men are stupid when they say Oh the baby looks like me and it not even their kid. My cousin was adoptoted and he blends into the family if you did not ask him or know or family you would not even know. I 100% belive in blood test.

Sandre November 16, 2010, 7:31 AM

You’re married to the wrong man. Get a paternity test to prove he needs to support your child and get out NOW!

Tami Lewis November 16, 2010, 7:54 AM

does the word trust ever enter your relationship? this is sickening!

MrsB November 16, 2010, 8:04 AM

I have no problem with paternity testing. Do you ever catch the Maury Povich show? They do free paternity testing for men who are not sure if the pregnant woman’s baby is theirs. I believe that the baby has to first be born before that is done. In the meantime, let the hubby know that you are totally down with that. It protects you, too, as you will be able to claim paternity and the state will acknowledge that when they go after him for child support. Regardless of yours or your partner’s feelings, the baby has the right to be protected by establishing paternity. You may need that information to come out later, especially in a relationship that sounds like it’s not on solid footing.

Gabrielle November 16, 2010, 8:37 AM

Men have some nerve.

Jeff Prager November 16, 2010, 8:58 AM

What’s tragic is that you were wholly unable to place yourself in his shoes. If he was going to carry the child for 9 months based on your sperm, and if there was even a remote possibility that the sperm wasn’t donated by you, and there is, you too would want a paternity test. It’s that simple. Why can’t you wear the other shoe here? This is an utterly ridiculous post. Engage your maturity and wear the other shoe.

MrsB November 16, 2010, 9:07 AM

By the way, throughout history and in many countries, the women had to be a virgin so that the man could be assured of paternity. They didn’t have DNA testing then, of course. The child (usually the son) had the right to inherit property (and assets), which secured his financial future. The inheritance of property was the main reason to prove paternity but in this day and age, that is still a crucial factor in many cultures (say, China where a family may be allowed only one child - the females were killed, sold or given away in order to produce another baby until a male heir was produced). Although it’s totally archaic by our standards, I wanted to let that sociological fact be thrown out there, too.

jmr November 16, 2010, 9:42 AM

How do you know he didn’t get that paternity test behind your back? It seems to me that he has trust issues for a reason. And I can’t see him just looking at the child and dropping his distrustful behavior.

Ducky November 16, 2010, 9:42 AM

It boils, and I do mean it boils, down to an issue of TRUST. If your relationship is not built on trust…Than it is not a relationship at all. I am very sure that you know that on some level. Having a child will not fix that. Asking for a paternity test is the SAME as saying “I THINK YOU HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN… I DON’T TRUST YOU ~ AND I WANT TO CALL YOU ON IT” It is arrogant, controlling, demeaning, and emotionally abusive… in that it puts down who you “are”. Especially if you have given NO CAUSE for the assumption.
I am not going to touch all the financial stuff because truthfully, if you are married, and you give birth he is fiscally responsible. He will be unreasonable in other areas as well… Please …be true to yourself…and now your child!!

LAEditor November 16, 2010, 9:54 AM

This sounds utterly fictional. No man who’s insistent on a paternity test would also be actively trying for a baby. Entertaining story, though.

Jessica November 16, 2010, 10:00 AM

It is disturbing, but I can see where the guy is coming from. Just so you know though, he probably did get the child tested… Like he said, it only takes one strand of hair. He probably found out it was his and didn’t tell you so that you would think he “trusted” you in the end. I think that testing should be mandatory at birth, so no one is “duped” and no one would have to feel bad about asking for a test.

Yikes November 16, 2010, 12:09 PM

@G, that’s not true. If a man acts as father then when they divorce he has just as much a right to visitation/custody and paying child support. My husband knows his daughter from a previous relationship isn’t his. He’s not on the birth certificate, and there was no paternity test, but when they split up when she was 2.5 he won custody, without anyone ever asking to test him or see the birth certificate or anything.

To the Poster, like someone else said go ahead and get the test, and give him the results along with divorce papers. No “man” like that is worth staying with! Good luck.

Also, in regards to the “all it takes is a strand of hair” - it has to be a mouth swab with the swab given and I imagine she would have noticed that.

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