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Divorcing after a Baby

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Anonymous Mom: When I had my son, I felt an immediate disconnect from my husband. We were like ships passing in the night. We were taking turns caring for the baby, and if we were not taking care of him, we were taking naps.

I had a very tedious pregnancy with a lot of sickness, and my husband was not very sympathetic or nurturing. In fact, most of the time he made it clear that this was what I had wanted, so I should stop complaining.

Throughout my pregnancy, we just became more and more distant. As my son grew, I felt like my life had turned upside down; I was more in love with my child and less in love with my spouse. I started fantasizing about how I would leave him. Did I have enough money saved? Would I be able to stay in our house?

We were both so unhappy. Although we were great companions and parents, I had no more love -- and, in turn, we had no more sex. Finally I brought up leaving, and he cried hysterically at the thought of not seeing our son every day. I felt terrible.

We started couples counseling. I explained how trapped I felt, how depressed I had become and how distant we were because of how he'd treated me during my pregnancy. I then learned that nearly all the moms in my baby group had started couples counseling since having a baby, too! They frequently talked about how they wanted to divorce their husbands. I was confused. This was supposed to be the happiest time in our lives, and I felt like I was drowning. Had I made a mistake in getting married? How do you undo a mistake of those proportions? Should I just stick it out for my kid's sake? Those were the thoughts racing through my mind.

Then we got pregnant a second time. It was something he wanted, and it was unplanned. I felt even more trapped. How was I to leave with two kids? Who would want to date me? I mean, my son is cute. But while one is plausible, having two kids under 2 .... How could I afford that? Thoughts of not keeping the baby danced through my head. I felt held hostage in a marriage and parenthood.

Does everyone feel this way? The other day, I looked at my husband and I thought, He eats too much. I don't like him. My friend said, "Don't you wonder whether those are moments of insanity ... or clarity?"

For now, I am sticking it out because I have sought psychological and medical advice, and it turns out that the problem may be hormones. However, I do know people who have decided to go through with a divorce after having a baby. It's a very taxing situation; you need a good support structure in place. And you need to ask for help. Everyone will help you if you let them.

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22 comments so far | Post a comment now
Marcel Sterner March 28, 2011, 9:47 AM

Between me and my husband we’ve owned more MP3 players over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the underappreciated (and widely mocked) Zunes are.

princess May 31, 2011, 12:32 PM

i wish my husband would treat me like that after i have a baby by him because he made and he shouldve been there for the baby and his wife and not apart if my husband does that he got another thing coming

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