Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Scrooge.
Childless Bitch: Sure, parts of the holiday season are irritating (i.e., parking at the mall; the red-and-green color combo; that overly cheery office worker who has been wearing a Santa hat since Halloween), but for the most part, I dig this time of year. I like dressing up and going to holiday parties. I like overeating and overdrinking. I like buying presents for my friends and family. What I don't like is buying a present for your baby. I'll explain.
Babies today are surrounded by squeaking and squawking shiny instruments of stimulation. (Dare we childless people call those things "toys"?) For some reason, mommies have bought into the notion that if baby Henry bangs on some plastic thing that lights up, it will trigger something in his little brain that will make him more likely to apply to law school one day. (Seriously!) In all honesty, Henry would probably be just as happy playing with the empty box the expensive light-up thing came in. But if I showed up at your holiday party with an empty box or a piece of Tupperware (also a baby favorite), you would probably hit me in the face with it. Am I right? (Don't answer that.)
I'm perfectly happy delivering presents of actual use to your baby, like clothes or books. As a common courtesy -- and I've made this request on this blog before -- all I'd like in return is a picture of precious Kaitlynn actually wearing the awesome baby Uggs I just dropped a bunch of cash on. Or a casual mention that Jackson likes playing with that fuzzy dog book I got him. Maybe some of you mommies know to do this. Maybe some of my mommy friends are uncouth animals. Either way, now you know.
Look, I'm not saying that babies shouldn't have toys or get presents. I just don't want to contribute to the ignored pile of plastic light-up junk in your living room (which, BTW, totally shouldn't be there; it should be in the baby's room). It's wasteful. So I'm reaching out to you, dear mommies. Help us childless beings out when it comes to holiday gifts for your offspring. Be a Spice Girl and tell us what you (and baby Daisy) want -- what you really, really want. After all, 'tis the season of helping others and understanding and empathy, or some junk like that.