For this season of giving, I'm in the mood to spread a little holiday cheer. And what could be more cheerful than talking about buying presents? How about ... not buying presents?
Let's be honest: About 90 percent of your holiday shopping list is filled with people you don't want to buy gifts for. I like to call these people the "have tos." You know the type: your boss; your kid's librarian; your mother-in-law. Or in my case, YOUR children. Yes, your little precious gems are burning a hole in my pocket. And I can't even tell them apart.
It's time to put a stop to this madness. Haven't I done enough already? Besides the millions of gifts I've given for every one of your milestones (remember your promise-ring party?), I've cheered at the soccer game, bought lousy gift wrap for the school fundraiser and, even worse, rode in your minivan. The truth is, I have to give a gift to your child because YOU will judge me, NOT Poo Pants.
Because of this unspoken truth, I am filling your stockings with a naughty little list of why I will not be giving your child a gift this year.
1) I'm not friends with your child.
I don't know if you remember this, but you and I chose to be friends. I didn't realize back then that you hated birth control so much. Just because your children came from you doesn't mean they come with you. Please note: This includes your somewhat creepy husband.
2) No matter what I get them, your gift to me will not be equal.
Do the math! Trudging through the war zone that is Toys "R" Us for two Cabbage Patch dolls and a Nintendo Wii does not come close to a mani-and-pedi gift certificate. I don't care if it includes gratuity. Let's face it: The single girl always gets screwed!
3) They have no clue how to receive a gift.
You managed to teach your Mini Me how to read and eat solid foods, but somehow forgot to show her how to properly open a gift. Throwing that hard-to-find Dora Whatever-Her-Name-Is on the ground and screaming "I already have this!" doesn't exactly inspire me to run out and buy her more crap.
4) I am practicing a green way of life, and would prefer not to contribute to unwanted waste in the world.
Have you seen your living room? One look at that toy-littered tornado pit is enough to have your house declared a natural disaster. My extra present may be the one that gets your house condemned. It's for your own good. And you're right : You totally don't spoil your children. Not at all.
5) He peed in my car.
6) You're only using me.
I'm on to you. You're the greedy one and want ME to help YOU compete against Perfect PTA Mom Down the Street who gave her kid a real-life Transformer last year.
7) He doesn't know my name anyway.
8) Your gift suggestions are coldly calculated.
Last year, when I asked if there was anything in particular I could
get your kids for Christmas, that was your signal to say something
like, "Oh ... I don't know ... you don't have to!" Instead, you chose to name
all the gifts you couldn't find, and forgot to mention I'd have to
stand in the cold for three hours to get them.
9) What do I know about safe toys?
"Recall" this; "lead" that. Age-appropriate toys?! No matter what I get them, it will just end up in their mouths. I'd rather save you a trip to the emergency room.
10) Last but not least, somewhere in the middle of dancing with a
stripper at your bachelorette party and crocheting a new throw for your
ducky-themed nursery, you completely forgot how to give a truly good gift. Well, lucky for you I'm feeling extra generous this year!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a giftless night!