I would like to thank the Academy ... and my child-bearing hips.
momlogic's Momstrosity: A mom plays many roles: doctor, cook, cheerleader, indentured servant. Each is rewarding in its own way. Each takes a certain amount of acting skill. I know that I'm honing my acting chops every day. I have my 4-year-old daughter, Lily, to thank for that.
Here are the categories for which I would like to nominate myself -- and all moms -- so we can win some Oscar glory. I'll see YOU on the red carpet!
1) Best Performance in the Role of Prison Warden
Lily is in a time-out for the infraction of writing on the wall. She is
crying as if she's been sentenced to life in prison. Her wails break my
heart. All I want to do is take her into my arms, tell her it's OK and
give her bowl of ice cream.
Lily: "Mommy, I'm sorry.
I won't do it again." (She looks up at me, her big, saucer eyes moist
with tears, and reaches her arms out for a hug.)
Me (sternly, marching around her tiny child's-chair prison): "You did a very bad thing. I am NOT hugging you right now."
Lily (starting to hyperventilate): "Please, Mommmy. Pleeeeese, Mommy. Pleeeeeeeese."
(I then walk into the other room and burst into tears.)
2) Best Performance in an Art-Critic Role
Scene: Lily has just painted a picture that looks like she just threw up on the paper.
Lily: "Mommy, look at my pretty picture."
Me: "Oh my, that is so beautiful. What is that, a house?"
Lily: "No, Mommy, it's you!"
Me: "Oh, that's wonderful."
3) Best Performance in a Non-Emergency Situation
Scene: Lily shows me an almost indiscernible scratch on her arm.
Lily: "Mommy, I hurt myself on my arm."
Me (dramatically, falling to my knees): Oh my goodness. Let me kiss it and make it better."
Lily: "Um, Mommy? It's the other arm."
4) Best Performance in a Bickering Match
Scene: My husband and I are having a fight. Voices are raised. At this moment I am repulsed by his very existence (the feeling, I daresay, is mutual). Lily walks in, looking distressed.
Lily: "Why are you yelling at each other?"
Me: "We're having a disagreement. Daddy and I are fine." (Digging deep, deep down using "The Method," I think back to happier times, lean over and give my husband a quick peck on the cheek.) "See, honey? Mommy and Daddy love each other."
5) Best Performance by Someone Who Is NOT Listening.
Scene: I just got off a grueling day at work and picked Lily up from preschool. She is telling me about her day.
won't be my friend anymore because she put the dolly on the Science
Table and I went poo on the potty. I told teacher at circle time I was
going to be quiet at naptime but I wasn't. I ate Josh's crackers. We
read a story today about a girl princess. Balloon starts with 'B.' Bah,
bah, bah, balloon! Matthew, the boy who talks potty talk, said 'booty'
and I said, 'No, you cannot say that!'"
For more from Momstrosity, go to BedtimeForSuckers.com.