Guest Blogger Maggie Baumann, MA:

In my psychotherapy practice, I work with teens and their parents as well as couples with relationship conflicts. When I bring them together for a family session I find they often have trouble listening to each other and feel more comfortable giving advice before they listen.

Advice giving can alarm the defenses and often which follows is bickering and interrupting that bounces back and forth. I found a very successful tool to use with my clients when they bring a loved one into session and they just want to talk and be heard.

It's all about listening and how to do it. Next time you feel unheard by your partner or loved one, this listening rule stated below is quite successful so your words can be heard, even if you have a different perspective on issues with someone else.

This is also useful tip for teens that want to talk to their parents about something important. This is a tool you could share with your whole family.

What I have my clients do before they venture into explaining an hot item issue with a loved one, I have them read aloud in session the following technique on the art of listening:

When I ask you to LISTEN to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to LISTEN to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to LISTEN to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my
problems, you have failed me - strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Not talk nor "do" - just hear me.

When you do something for me I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel (no matter
how irrational the feeling may seem to you), then I quit trying to convince you, and I can move towards the business of understanding what is behind the irrational feeling. And when that is clear, I can try to see for myself the changes I need to make in my life and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Try this next time you want to be heard. Active listening is a learned behavior.

Maggie Baumann, M.A., is a marriage family therapist intern working as a counselor in a private practice in Newport Beach. She specializes in the prevention and awareness of eating disorders and other addictions as well as trauma and attachment disorders. Maggie has written for various publications and appeared on national television promoting eating disorder awareness and prevention. You can reach Maggie by email or visit her website at MaggieBaumann.com.