Daddy Is the New Mommy
You people are reproducing. To borrow a phrase from "Jersey Shore," you're not just "smooshing," then popping something out nine months later. No, I'm talking more like Gremlins, when you pour water on them. You mommies are reproducing a new version of yourselves -- daddies!
The Childless Bitch on Holiday Travel
I am about to get on a plane to travel cross-country. To plan for this painstaking day, I thought it would be appropriate to speak to the mothers of the world who will be joining me, along with their screaming, coughing, drooling children.
I May Be Childless, But I'm Not a Disease
Mommies, you've gone too far. I am utterly offended. This proves once and for all that you think human beings are uncivilized predators out to get you and your precious spawn.
I Refuse to Get Your Baby a Gift
Let me preface this by saying that I am not a scrooge. I love this time of year. I like dressing up and going to holiday parties. I like overeating and overdrinking. I like buying presents for my friends and family. What I don't like is buying a present for your baby. I'll explain.
The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping
It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!
When Did Daylight Savings Become D-Day for Moms?
One by one, I read the complaints on Facebook. Everything from "This is my second least favorite day of the year for baby Lucy -- my first is springing ahead," to "Daylight savings was invented by a man who never had to deal with a toddler," to "This is seriously messing with my kid's nap time." To which I say, what the eff are you crazy people even talking about?!
Keep Your Kids Out of My Neighborhood!
Some people think handing out candy is fun. To me, it's just plain annoying.
Is Your Baby Fined by the Fashion Police?
Yes, my ovaries shriek a little when I walk into a Baby Gap and pull out the tiniest sundress that is so precious if it were 40 sizes bigger, I'd totally buy one for myself. I dig baby fashion. With one giant exception -- and it's not Crocs.
Junkies and Pregnant Ladies Have Lots in Common
I just don't think "I'm pregnant" qualifies as a decent excuse to never call me back -- because you're not on drugs. You're just pregnant.
No Bumps in the Club
While you were enjoying your cul-de-sac barbeque this weekend with 89 of your neighbors' precious children, I was in Las Vegas, enjoying one hell of a fabulous single girls' weekend. It was all to-die-for, except for one BIG bump that really killed the scene.
Childless Bitch on Back to School
The Childless Bitch -- you either love her or hate her ... or want to be her. She ranted this week about her beef with back-to-school time. You responded in equal measure.
Get Yourself an Office Kid!
The Office Kid: when you want the excuse to leave work early, but don't want to birth anything or change its diaper.
Childless Bitch on Back to School
Ugh. They're heading back to school. Yay for the moms! Yay for the dads! Three cheers for education! Finally, mommies are saved! (Barf!)
A Tale of Two Baby Stories
I know we are living in the Information Age and all, but when it comes to your babies, ladies, I sometimes feel like we are living in the Too Much Information Age.
Your Kids Are Interrupting My Beach Time!
You know how, when you have a dinner party, there's a kids' table? Well, you should do the same at the beach. Keep your kids separated from the adults. Please.
The Grandchildless Bitch
I think I have earned the right as a mother, stepmother, and stepgrandmother to vent a little. So here's what fumes me about today's new mothers: In short, they think they know it all.
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