first response conception diaries

Conception Diaries: Meet Absidi

Wednesday, April 29, 2009
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ABSIDI, 22
Marital Status: Married, No Children
Hometown: Honolulu, Hawaii
Profession: Student
Trying to Conceive: Over a year

Absidi has been trying for over a year to get pregnant with no success. She is married to a marine in the U.S. Marine Corps and has been labeled "Military Base Mommy" by the fellow soldiers' wives. She hosts all the baby showers for her friends on base and is in the delivery room when the other base moms have their babies especially if their husbands are deployed. Absidi is VERY frustrated and emotionally exhausted from trying to get pregnant. She is so consumed with trying to conceive so much that her friends and family are afraid to tell her if they become pregnant trying to avoid upsetting her. She also says trying to get pregnant has ruined her sex life and feels it's unfair everyone else is getting pregnant, while she is not.

Absidi: My name is Absidi and I am 22 years old. I was born in Hawaii, but moved to Arizona when I was 3 years old. When I turned 15, my dad was offered a job on an Indian reservation in New Mexico, where I moved with him. After I graduated from high school, I decided I wanted to move back to Hawaii to continue my education. I had saved up enough money to buy my plane ticket and pay for my first month of rent. I had saved up the money completely by myself and moved by myself. It was definitely an adventure!

In the beginning of October, I met my husband, Joel. He is 23 years old and a United States Marine. We ended up going on a date the next day, and started dating that night. Three weeks later, he flew me to West Virginia to meet his family. Then, one month and 12 days after we met, we got married! I never would have thought that my life would have moved this fast! He was just so amazing and he was everything I had ever wanted in a man. So there I was, 19 and married.


Then we found out that Joel was going to have to go back to Iraq. It was definitely a tough thing to prepare for. The first time he was there, he had seen some pretty bad stuff, and had even lost a close friend of his. So as we were preparing for him to go back, we decided we wanted to try to conceive. At that time, we were still new to married life, and we hadn't really considered having a child so soon. We had thought of all of the different choices we had, and we decided that if heaven forbid anything were to happen to him, I wanted a piece of him forever. Something like that is so hard to think about, but with him being a "grunt" or infantry marine, he was on the front lines and had a higher chance of not coming home.

We started trying, and when it came time for him to deploy, we hadn't conceived yet. We figured that it was God's way of telling us we weren't ready, and we just prayed for his safe return. When he finally came home, we kind of just let things happen naturally. I didn't take birth control, and we just let whatever happens, happen. As his reenlistment time came closer, he wanted to reenlist, and I was supportive of that decision. He reenlisted into a non-deployable unit. That meant that for the next four years, he'd be non-deployable for the first three, and on that fourth year, he'd go back to a deploying unit. He decided that this was the perfect time to have a child because he would be here for the whole pregnancy, which a lot of marines aren't able to do.

During the time that I was trying to conceive, four of my military-wife friends had gotten pregnant, two of my friends back home, and all three of my sister-in-laws. Two of the girls here in Hawaii were afraid to tell me they were pregnant because they didn't want to upset me. One of my best friends back home had waited three months to tell me because she knew how hard we had been trying and she was afraid I'd be mad. When they told me their fears, it made me so sad. They were my friends and I felt like they thought I was some baby-crazed woman who couldn't be happy for anyone but me. Although I was happy for them and not mad, I couldn't help but feel let down -- not one of them was trying. I was also designated the "mommy marine wife" -- I was the one who threw all of the baby showers. I felt like even though these women were away from their families, they should still be pampered and feel special because having a baby is such a precious thing. I planned each of their showers, bought them the biggest gifts, AND took all the pictures. On top of planning the baby showers, all four of the women had asked me to be in the delivery room with them and take pictures. During their pregnancies, I would sometimes fill in for their husbands. Due to training and long hours, their husbands couldn't always go to appointments with them. I'd take them to their appointments, gush over sonogram pictures, and get teary-eyed listening to the heartbeats with them. I was honored that they wanted me to be there for them, but on the inside it was taking all of my strength not to cry. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant.

The process wasn't only hard on me, but it was hard on my husband as well. Every month when it was time for me to test, Joel would get so excited. He'd get this gleam in his eye, and say to me, "I know it's this month, baby, I know it! I can feel it!" It would be so hard opening the bathroom door and having to tell him I wasn't pregnant. He would look so confused and sad. I felt bad because I think I would convince myself I was pregnant. I'd get weird cravings, I'd have to pee a lot, I'd get sick in the mornings, my boobs would hurt, and I'd even be late on my period very frequently. He'd get so excited that if I said I wanted ice cream, he'd rush to the store at 1 AM to fulfill my craving because he'd think it was a baby. The hardest time, which I'll never forget: I had tested when he was at work so I wouldn't have to get his hopes up even more. It came up negative, so I threw it away and prepared myself to tell him. When he came home, he had been talking about how it was time for me to test. I told him I had already tested, and I wasn't pregnant. He kept saying, "No, you have to be. You have to be. I know you are." Then he told me he had to see it for himself. I watched him go to the trash can and check the test. He held it for a while, then finally put it down. He walked over to me, with tears in his eyes, and said he didn't understand. I didn't know what to tell him -- right then I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my womanly duties.

I have been in the delivery room for four babies. I've thrown numerous baby showers, and I have two more that I will be throwing within the next few months. I will be in the delivery room again in July with another one of my marine-wife friends. My sister-in-law just told us she's pregnant again. I am honestly happy for every single one of them, but it breaks my heart that it's not happening to me. I am married to the man of my dreams; we have a beautiful home, steady income, and will have no problem getting health care for a child. I pretty much raised my sisters by myself because my mother wasn't around, so I am very familiar with babies and children. I watch my husband around other kids and I have no doubt in my mind that he will be an amazing father. I just hope that our time will come soon, so we can start our own family and I can experience firsthand what I am always helping other women with.

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previous: Conception Diaries: Meet Meredith

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48 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

 
This story just breaks my heart. It took us six months of trying before we conceived because I finally started taking care of myself. We had moved to a new city in another state and I didn’t realize the emotional toll it took on me. Stress is a HUGE barrier to successful conception. Once I started taking steps to get mentally balanced, it all fell into place. I changed my diet, saw an acupuncturist, and just let go. I was pregnant within a month. It’s not easy to stop being Superwoman, but it worked for me. Absidi should get selfish for awhile…no more hosting baby showers for other people, no more standing in for deliveries. Just focus on starting your own family. I can’t wait to come back to this page and read the words, “I’m pregnant!”
- Teresha
Posted 04/28/09 07:59 AM
 
I so feel your pain. It’s the most motherly people that seem to have the hardest time conceiving. Maybe it’s time to cut back on the baby showers and take care of yourself.
- Malky B.
Posted 04/28/09 01:34 PM
 
What I think most women don’t seem to understand is that conception boils down to science. I was trying for months after my tubal reversal without success. I had to do some digging and started to treat TTC as a job. I started to temp every morning and also monitored my ovulation using HPT’s. It was still not enough. I got myself a Clearblue easy monitor and what I realized is that I had a large window of opportunity that I had been closing either too late or too early for 6 months of trying. My spouse and I had one session a day for SIX days straight. and sure enough, that was the month we got pregnant. I’m due in October. I recommend any woman, to not leave it by chance. And if they are having trouble in a year, they should see an RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist. One would be surprised that it could be as simple as a blocked tube or an untreated infection to slow sperm production.
- Gigohead
Posted 04/28/09 03:52 PM
 
Get “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. There is information in there that should be mandatory in high school health.
- Gwen
Posted 04/28/09 04:53 PM
 
OK, you’re starting to sound like me…and I hate to bring it up, but you LOOK like me, and in that I mean, you’re overweight. This could be a sign that you are suffering from polycystic ovarian syndrome, in which case, you may need fertility meds (I was on Clomid) and shots of progesterone. Please look into it and at least ask your doctor. I have a beautiful daughter who turned 6 today; my perserverance paid off. I wish you the best hon, and even though I don’t know you, I wish I could give you a hug for what you’re going through.
- MarMar
Posted 04/28/09 05:00 PM
 
Fine, I’ll be the first to say it…Obesity is a huge obstacle if trying to get pregnant. You, my dear are obese, that is a big deal not only for your health but also for conceiving a child. I agree with MarMar and you need to focus on yourself, meaning start taking caring of yourself. Start exercising, eating healthy smaller portions etc. I know in my heart that you will be a great mother, but before that happens you need to take care of yourself. I was very fat, by no other reason then I would overeat, and loved food. At my highest weight I was 260. Now at 150, I am happier then ever and have 3 beautiful children. I couldn’t conceive because I was simply fat. It really was that simple. Goodluck!
- Anonymous
Posted 04/28/09 08:09 PM
 
I was off of the Pill for a year when I conceived my first daughter, off the Pill for 6 weeks when I conceived my second. Stress and being over weight are huge factors in having trouble conceiving. It’s only fair for your baby to make yourself as healthy as possible before trying to conceive.
- ame i.
Posted 04/28/09 08:58 PM
 
Big girls get pregnant all the time, but my advice to this young woman is that she can be like me, hormone sensitive to weight. When I gain too much weight my periods cease because I do not ovulate. Meaning I’m too large for my hormones to reach my ovaries. So when I drop the weight, the periods return and ovulation begins again. I wish her the best of luck, but crying and hating on other preggos are not going to make you preggo any faster. This young woman needs to see a specialist and get her blood work in order to help pinpoint her problem.
- Gigohead
Posted 04/28/09 09:06 PM
 
wait a minute you guys are being so unfair why does everything have to come down to fat. There could be 100 of reasons besides fat. Well I been trying myself for 5 years my daughter is 10 and have not been able to conceived. My doctor says I don’t ovulate I have taken clomed with no success would someone give me some advice I would really appreciated.
- silvia
Posted 04/29/09 12:23 AM
 
Silvia- Because weight can play a huge factor in fertility. just like if somebody were to be underweight.
- Dara S
Posted 04/29/09 01:11 AM
 
It took my husband and I two years to conceive. I was just about to turn 23 when i finally did and didnt find out about it until the end of that month. I have PCOS, MarMar is pretty right on about it (didnt read the post completely). Go to an endocrynologist and find out if you might have it. It can take years, meds, or artificial insemenation to get pregnant. I know how you feel. I watched a number get pregnant while not trying or wanting to while I couldnt. I hope everything works out for you!
- Army Wife
Posted 04/29/09 05:31 PM
 
Weight can definetly be a factor, but STRESS can be the problem overall! I was overweight when my hubby and I were TTC. We tried for TWO and a half years. I changed my diet, exercised…but still no pregnancy. I was very depressed when all my friends and family were having babies by just looking at their husbands!! I would think to myself how easy they’ve got it! Everybody would say, “Just keep trying..it’ll happen!” but they really have no idea what you’re going through. It’s completely heartbreaking and you start wondering why YOU were chosen to go through all this heartbreak!! You sit and think all these motheers you hear about on the news and how they abuse, neglect, and mistreat their own flesh and blood…and here YOU ARE NOT WORTHY??? After trying for over those two and half years, my hubby and I accepted the fact that we were not meant to have children. We decided to live our lives doing wonderful things parents COULDN’T do like, traveling and owning expensive toys! Since I wanted to fulfill my need to nurture and love something…we got a PUPPY! We got a little chihuahua. I would dress him up, take him everywhere with me! I became one of those creepy people who treat their pet as a child! lol. Then one day, my tooth broke off out of no where. I ended up having to go in for a root canal. The doc sent me home with a script for pain meds. As I waited for my script to fill, I noticed I was standing in an aisle filled with preganancy tests. It occured to me that I was so involved with my new puppy, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a period!!! A friend talked me into buying a test just in case. I honestly thought I was wasting my money. Funny thing was…I was so anxious to get home to take a nap, I didn’t put two and two together!! Once I got home, I had to pee so bad so I went ahead and opened up a test. I couldn’t tell you how shocked I was to find out I was pregnant!!! I just stood there, PALE WHITE! I really think getting your mind off of it is the best thing you can do! Stop putting yourself in the position where you are around babies
- TTC baby#2
Posted 04/29/09 06:22 PM
 
Weight can definetly be a factor, but STRESS can be the problem overall! I was overweight when my hubby and I were TTC. We tried for TWO and a half years. I changed my diet, exercised…but still no pregnancy. I was very depressed when all my friends and family were having babies by just looking at their husbands!! I would think to myself how easy they’ve got it! Everybody would say, “Just keep trying..it’ll happen!” but they really have no idea what you’re going through. It’s completely heartbreaking and you start wondering why YOU were chosen to go through all this heartbreak!! You sit and think all these motheers you hear about on the news and how they abuse, neglect, and mistreat their own flesh and blood…and here YOU ARE NOT WORTHY??? After trying for over those two and half years, my hubby and I accepted the fact that we were not meant to have children. We decided to live our lives doing wonderful things parents COULDN’T do like, traveling and owning expensive toys! Since I wanted to fulfill my need to nurture and love something…we got a PUPPY! We got a little chihuahua. I would dress him up, take him everywhere with me! I became one of those creepy people who treat their pet as a child! lol. Then one day, my tooth broke off out of no where. I ended up having to go in for a root canal. The doc sent me home with a script for pain meds. As I waited for my script to fill, I noticed I was standing in an aisle filled with preganancy tests. It occured to me that I was so involved with my new puppy, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a period!!! A friend talked me into buying a test just in case. I honestly thought I was wasting my money. Funny thing was…I was so anxious to get home to take a nap, I didn’t put two and two together!! Once I got home, I had to pee so bad so I went ahead and opened up a test. I couldn’t tell you how shocked I was to find out I was pregnant!!! I just stood there, PALE WHITE! I really think getting your mind off of it is the best thing you can do! Stop putting yourself in the position where you are around babies
- TTC baby#2
Posted 04/29/09 06:24 PM
 
Teresha, Thank you for the positive thoughts! I’m definitely going to take it easy with the baby showers and everything. I hope you stay tuned to see what happens…I’m hoping the outcome will be a great one!
- Absidi
Posted 04/29/09 07:01 PM
 
Gigohead, You are so right! I hadn’t realized that until I started this project with momlogic. I have been to the doctor about conceiving. I had the HSG to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked..so I am ok on that part. My doctor hadn’t explained all the scientific stuff to me before, but after speaking with the First Response doctor, I’ve learned so much! Thanks so much for your advice!
- Absidi
Posted 04/29/09 07:09 PM
 
MarMar, Don’t feel bad about bringing my weight up! I’ve agreed to be completely honest and open with everyone about this journey. I am aware that weight plays a big part in conceiving. I have been to the doctor, I’ve done all the bloodwork and tests and such. My doctor has said that all of my hormones are normal. So I’m hoping that this First Response project can help! I’m so happy that you were able to have a child! I bet when you got pregnant the feeling was indescribable huh? =] Thanks again for the positive wishes, I hope to hear from you more as I continue on this journey! =]
- Absidi
Posted 04/29/09 07:20 PM
 
Hi Army Wife! It’s nice to hear from a fellow military wife =] I bet you can relate to seeing tons of pregnant women all the time..especially before and after deployments. I am glad that you were able to have a child though, I bet it was such a joy after trying for so long!
- Absidi
Posted 04/29/09 07:40 PM
 
TTC Baby #2, Wow, that is an awesome story!! It’s so weird how life works, isn’t it? I “yo-yo” when it comes to weight. If you look at more of my pictures you can see how much I fluctuate..and I definitely agree that stress plays a HUGE part! And I know exactly what you mean when you question why it’s not happening to you. I feel the same way! Especially when my friends who don’t even want babies “accidentally” get pregnant. It’s tough, and I am so relieved to hear that someone else knows what it feels like! I hope I get to hear from you more throughout this journey =]
- Absidi
Posted 04/29/09 07:47 PM
 
Absidi - Glad to hear that your hormones are good and your tubes are open. That means it’s just a matter of time to catch that elusive egg. Please try not to stress out and you will see, that once the pressure is off, things will fall into place.
- Gigohead
Posted 04/29/09 08:26 PM
 
Good luck, Absidi—I’m pulling for you, and I look forward to hearing your story.
- Barb
Posted 04/29/09 09:55 PM

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