Marital Status: Married, No Children
Hometown: Honolulu, Hawaii
Trying to Conceive: Over a year
Absidi has been trying for over a year to get pregnant with no success. She is married to a marine in the U.S. Marine Corps and has been labeled "Military Base Mommy" by the fellow soldiers' wives. She hosts all the baby showers for her friends on base and is in the delivery room when the other base moms have their babies especially if their husbands are deployed. Absidi is VERY frustrated and emotionally exhausted from trying to get pregnant. She is so consumed with trying to conceive so much that her friends and family are afraid to tell her if they become pregnant trying to avoid upsetting her. She also says trying to get pregnant has ruined her sex life and feels it's unfair everyone else is getting pregnant, while she is not.
Absidi: My name is Absidi and I am 22 years old. I was born in Hawaii, but moved to Arizona when I was 3 years old. When I turned 15, my dad was offered a job on an Indian reservation in New Mexico, where I moved with him. After I graduated from high school, I decided I wanted to move back to Hawaii to continue my education. I had saved up enough money to buy my plane ticket and pay for my first month of rent. I had saved up the money completely by myself and moved by myself. It was definitely an adventure!
In the beginning of October, I met my husband, Joel. He is 23 years old and a United States Marine. We ended up going on a date the next day, and started dating that night. Three weeks later, he flew me to West Virginia to meet his family. Then, one month and 12 days after we met, we got married! I never would have thought that my life would have moved this fast! He was just so amazing and he was everything I had ever wanted in a man. So there I was, 19 and married.
Then we found out that Joel was going to have to go back to Iraq. It was definitely a tough thing to prepare for. The first time he was there, he had seen some pretty bad stuff, and had even lost a close friend of his. So as we were preparing for him to go back, we decided we wanted to try to conceive. At that time, we were still new to married life, and we hadn't really considered having a child so soon. We had thought of all of the different choices we had, and we decided that if heaven forbid anything were to happen to him, I wanted a piece of him forever. Something like that is so hard to think about, but with him being a "grunt" or infantry marine, he was on the front lines and had a higher chance of not coming home.
We started trying, and when it came time for him to deploy, we hadn't conceived yet. We figured that it was God's way of telling us we weren't ready, and we just prayed for his safe return. When he finally came home, we kind of just let things happen naturally. I didn't take birth control, and we just let whatever happens, happen. As his reenlistment time came closer, he wanted to reenlist, and I was supportive of that decision. He reenlisted into a non-deployable unit. That meant that for the next four years, he'd be non-deployable for the first three, and on that fourth year, he'd go back to a deploying unit. He decided that this was the perfect time to have a child because he would be here for the whole pregnancy, which a lot of marines aren't able to do.
During the time that I was trying to conceive, four of my military-wife friends had gotten pregnant, two of my friends back home, and all three of my sister-in-laws. Two of the girls here in Hawaii were afraid to tell me they were pregnant because they didn't want to upset me. One of my best friends back home had waited three months to tell me because she knew how hard we had been trying and she was afraid I'd be mad. When they told me their fears, it made me so sad. They were my friends and I felt like they thought I was some baby-crazed woman who couldn't be happy for anyone but me. Although I was happy for them and not mad, I couldn't help but feel let down -- not one of them was trying. I was also designated the "mommy marine wife" -- I was the one who threw all of the baby showers. I felt like even though these women were away from their families, they should still be pampered and feel special because having a baby is such a precious thing. I planned each of their showers, bought them the biggest gifts, AND took all the pictures. On top of planning the baby showers, all four of the women had asked me to be in the delivery room with them and take pictures. During their pregnancies, I would sometimes fill in for their husbands. Due to training and long hours, their husbands couldn't always go to appointments with them. I'd take them to their appointments, gush over sonogram pictures, and get teary-eyed listening to the heartbeats with them. I was honored that they wanted me to be there for them, but on the inside it was taking all of my strength not to cry. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant.
The process wasn't only hard on me, but it was hard on my husband as well. Every month when it was time for me to test, Joel would get so excited. He'd get this gleam in his eye, and say to me, "I know it's this month, baby, I know it! I can feel it!" It would be so hard opening the bathroom door and having to tell him I wasn't pregnant. He would look so confused and sad. I felt bad because I think I would convince myself I was pregnant. I'd get weird cravings, I'd have to pee a lot, I'd get sick in the mornings, my boobs would hurt, and I'd even be late on my period very frequently. He'd get so excited that if I said I wanted ice cream, he'd rush to the store at 1 AM to fulfill my craving because he'd think it was a baby. The hardest time, which I'll never forget: I had tested when he was at work so I wouldn't have to get his hopes up even more. It came up negative, so I threw it away and prepared myself to tell him. When he came home, he had been talking about how it was time for me to test. I told him I had already tested, and I wasn't pregnant. He kept saying, "No, you have to be. You have to be. I know you are." Then he told me he had to see it for himself. I watched him go to the trash can and check the test. He held it for a while, then finally put it down. He walked over to me, with tears in his eyes, and said he didn't understand. I didn't know what to tell him -- right then I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my womanly duties.
I have been in the delivery room for four babies. I've thrown numerous baby showers, and I have two more that I will be throwing within the next few months. I will be in the delivery room again in July with another one of my marine-wife friends. My sister-in-law just told us she's pregnant again. I am honestly happy for every single one of them, but it breaks my heart that it's not happening to me. I am married to the man of my dreams; we have a beautiful home, steady income, and will have no problem getting health care for a child. I pretty much raised my sisters by myself because my mother wasn't around, so I am very familiar with babies and children. I watch my husband around other kids and I have no doubt in my mind that he will be an amazing father. I just hope that our time will come soon, so we can start our own family and I can experience firsthand what I am always helping other women with.
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