Absidi: So Joel left yesterday ... and I still haven't ovulated yet. According to the pamphlet that is in the First Response Ovulation Test, I am supposed to start the ovulation tests on the 15th. Of course, since I don't want to miss anything, I started the ovulation tests the 4th day of my cycle instead of the 10th. Joel doesn't come home until the 23rd, so I am hoping I don't ovulate between now and then ... but with my luck I will ovulate within the next couple of days.

I have been trying not to get excited about things. Initially, this whole thing was so exciting. It was something new and another little bit of hope. As time has been going on, I find myself not being able to knock down that wall I have. I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years now, in fact, July will make 2 years. I have built up this wall within myself to protect myself from disappointment. At first I was so optimistic, and I can't help but tell myself I am being stupid. Why would I think that I would get pregnant now? I know it is not the way I should be thinking, but I can't help it. I have read the other girls' blogs about becoming discouraged. I feel for them, because I have been there before. But I have been trying for almost 2 years now ... do I really think this is going to work for me?

Doing this project has made me realize how saddening this whole process is. These past months (well, almost a year) we stopped going to the doctor to try. It was so hard and so stressful that we decided not to continue it and just let things happen naturally. Which was good because that brought back all of the fun in our sex life. I mean, things have always been great ... but following the orders of the fertility specialist kind of took the spontaneity out of it. So we have been going with the natural flow of things ... and we promised each other that during this project, we wouldn't get all stressed out and let things get mechanical. And it hasn't, which is really great. =]

Anyways, I am really bummed that he is most likely going to be gone when I am ovulating. I hope that for some weird reason I will ovulate late ... and he will be home by then.

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