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Absidi: So I talked to Joel the other day about some of the details of the divorce. He seemed so nonchalant about everything. He kept asking me questions ...
"Why are you getting your own place?" "Why are you getting a car?" "Where are you going to get a job?" "Are you going to stay in Albuquerque?" I was so confused ... I wanted to ask him "Why the heck do you care?"
The thing that really sucks is that all of our friends are mutual. So every time I talk to one of my friends back home, I always get updates on what he is doing. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me doesn't want to hear anything about him ... I am tempted to tell my friends not to talk to me about him. But the other part of me can't help but be curious as to what is going on.
The first thing I was told was that he was asking about me. He kept asking if my friends had talked to me, if my flight went OK, if Layla (my dog) did OK on the flight, and how I am doing. The second thing I was told is how all he does is drink now. He spends all of his money drinking and he hasn't paid any bills. Thank goodness they are all under his name and not mine.
It confuses me so much because this person he has become is so foreign to me ... it's not him at all. When I talked to him, I had told him to be careful and that he needs to take care of bills and stuff first before he goes out to the bars. He got all defensive and was like, "Who told you I am going to the bars? I'm not getting drunk; I'm not hooking up with anyone!" I told him that his business was his business and there is no need for him to lie to me anymore. I told him I didn't care what he did, as long as he is getting things with the divorce taken care of. I don't know why he feels like he still needs to lie to me ... we're over, right?
I have gone through the partying phase of my life, we all have -- well, most of us, anyway. Since this is the first time Joel is experiencing it, he doesn't realize that it gets old. It's fun in the beginning, but the fun doesn't last forever. Everyone has told me that they know he is going to come crawling back to me. At first, I was praying for that day to come sooner than later. Now, I have realized that I don't need someone who would do this to me. I could never trust him again ... and without trust, you can't have a relationship. I have finally come to peace with myself. I have stopped blaming myself, wondering what I could have done better. I finally see that there is something wrong with him ... and I feel that maybe he has something psychologically wrong with him. The sad thing is that I can't help but feel sorry for him. I hope that he gets better, because I know he is a better person than who he is becoming now. BUT, I will never let him do this to me again. I have made a promise to myself that no matter how hard he tries (if he even does), I will not let him sweet-talk me back. Not after all this; I can't.
But you know what guys? I am OK. I have gone through too much in my life to be broken by this. I thought I'd be crazy jealous, or get extremely angry and bitter ... but I'm not. I told him when all of this happened that he has taken everything from me, but I won't let him take away the fact that I am a good person ... and I am sticking to that. As much as he has done, I will not look back at this in the future and regret my behavior. I want to come out of this knowing that I did everything I could, and I took the high road and didn't play any kind of games.
So I signed the lease to my new place! I move in on the 9th. =] I am also going to the dealership to pick up my new car tomorrow. Well, it's not new ... it's used and a little older, haha, nothing compared to the SUV I had ... but it's a start, right?
When I had gone to the leasing office, I had decided I was going to get a one-bedroom apartment. The property manager gave me all the info on the open places they had. I took all the papers home and started thinking about how different it was going to be, living by myself again. It started getting to me, and I had a mini breakdown ... so I called my little sister. I told her how I was scared to live on my own again because I already feel so lonely ... I was scared of how hard it would be. I told her that it still hurts and that I really need her right now. She told me that I was the strongest woman she has ever known, and that I would be just fine. Then she told me she loved me and that she wanted to come live with me. I asked her if it was really what she wanted and she said yes ... so I went back to the leasing office and signed the lease for a 2-bedroom apartment. =] I am SO lucky to have the family that I have, I don't think she'll ever know how much that meant to me. Then she came up with a plot to beat Joel up -- haha, I liked that idea too. =] I can't believe how well things are going for me ... I mean, within 1 week I found a place and a car!
I keep trying to focus on the good things and not the bad. I know one day I will find someone who will treat me like a queen ... someone who will treat me the way I should be treated.
I just finished reading all of the comments on the blog where I am letting everyone know what happened. I'll admit, I was a little scared that I was going to read some comments that I wouldn't be able to handle. I can't express how TRULY GRATEFUL I am that all of you guys are so supportive. Knowing that you are all out there reading and supporting me means the world to me. It was also nice hearing reassurance that I did the right thing by leaving. At first, I questioned if leaving so soon was the right thing to do ... but I felt that it was. Hearing that you all agree helps so much ... I guess I don't feel as guilty or something ... I don't know. It is just so amazing that you all are kind enough to give me your support. It is definitely helping with the healing process. I just wanted to say thank you and that I can't explain how much you all mean to me!
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