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Editor's note: Absidi is one of the five women we are following in our Conception Diaries series. This is what happened this week in her journey.
Absidi: So last week, Joel was in California for some training. When he left, everything was fine. During the week, he was texting and calling me, telling me he loved me and he couldn't wait to be in my arms again. I thought everything was OK.
Then Friday night I tried calling him. He didn't answer, which was unusual because he always answered his phone calls. About 45 minutes later, he finally picked up. He told me that he had just woken up. I said to him, "Well that's funny, because you don't sound like you just woke up." Then I heard something in the background and asked what it was. He told me it was the hand dryer in the bathroom. When I asked why there was a hand dryer in the bathroom and not towels, he said he was in the bathroom of the hotel lobby. Then I was confused because he had told me he had just woken up. When I questioned him about it, he tried to rush me off the phone, saying that he didn't get signal in the elevator and that he would call me when he got to his room.
Then 5 minutes went by, then 15, then 30. I kept trying to call and text him and he wouldn't answer. After about an hour of continuously trying to call, he accidentally picked up his phone. He didn't know I was listening ... for about 30 minutes I could hear everything that was going on. I heard loud music, girls laughing and having a good time, and him laughing and talking. I couldn't make out exactly what was said, I just knew it wasn't good. I continuously kept trying to call all night and he wouldn't answer. I was literally going crazy.
The next morning he called me and told me that he had met someone and that our marriage was over. I didn't even know who this person was. He was cold, he had no emotion, and it didn't sound like him at all. I asked him if we could talk things through, if we could work things out ... he was completely heartless. I just couldn't comprehend why he would be acting like this.
When he finally did come home, we talked and he was not the same person who left. He said he didn't want this marriage and there was nothing to talk about but the divorce. We talked again the day before I was supposed to leave. I told him that I didn't want this divorce and that a marriage isn't supposed to be easy. While we were talking he got up, told me to get up, and started hugging me, then started kissing me. We kissed for a while ... then he freaked out and was like, "I have to go, I need to go drive around and think." I thought that was a breakthrough, I thought he had come back to his senses. Then I found out that right after that happened, he had called a friend to tell him what was going on. His friend said to him, "No, you said you weren't happy, you made your decision. Don't let her change your mind, you've already told everyone you were getting divorced. Don't let her change your mind." Then he came back and said that he didn't feel anything and that he knew I was playing mind games.
I couldn't stay in Hawaii without him ... it would have been too hard. We established a life together out there and every inch of that island reminds me of him. So after we went to the legal office on base, I flew to New Mexico to be with my dad. I felt that in a time like this, I needed to be with family. Plus, Joel has no intention of working things through, so being somewhere new will help me move on and get a fresh start. I was also told that all he has been doing since I left is going to clubs and bars and meeting girls. That is something else I don't understand because #1 he HATED clubs, and #2 he HATED alcohol. He never drank, and now all he is doing is getting wasted every night. It is just not him, I just don't understand. He even messed up his truck due to being drunk, and his truck is his pride and joy. His grandmother and mother are both alcoholics and he was so adamant about not drinking ... I just don't see why he is doing this.
He told me that she is 32, a teacher, in an abusive relationship, and she has a son. Why the hell would he throw away what we had for that? I can't help but wonder if me not being able to conceive has something to do with it. He wanted a child so badly ... he would even cry to me about how bad he wanted a family together. It seemed like he wanted a child more than I did ... and now this? I just don't get it. Maybe the stress of wondering if we'd ever have a child got to him ... maybe he was tired of not being a father. Maybe this person who seems like a stranger to me was who he was all along and didn't want to admit it. I don't know ... I wish I could say he is an a**hole, I wish I could say that he is a loser, a piece of sh*t, a bad person ... but he isn't. He really is a good person.... I just don't know what happened to him to make him head down this path of self-destruction.
Connect with Absidi in the momlogic community.
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