first response conception diaries
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Am I Ready to Have a Child?

Monday, May 4, 2009
filed under: Anh-Chi

Anh-Chi: I just talked to my mother-in-law tonight over Skype, and she was really happy to hear from me. She lives in Vietnam right now with the rest of her family. I told her about this Conception Diaries project, and she smiled. She hasn't seen my video yet, but I hope she'll feel special once she hears my tribute to her. She's been in and out of the hospital for the past several months, and there have been several occasions when her family thought she was already dying. This situation is still unreal to me, since I'm far away from her and still can't fully understand she is terminally ill. Especially since she was just here in the States, living with us for six months. She was in decent health at the time and communicating with us fine on a daily level. So it's been extremely difficult to grasp how her health could possibly deteriorate in such a quick amount of time.

ahn chi and husband huy

But as I've seen with my great-grandmother, ones illness can go from mild to severe very unexpectedly. When you hear from the doctor that your loved one might survive another year, that could also mean he/she may only live for only a fraction of that time. That's what happened with my great-grandmother -- my family and I were so positive she'd live for several more years, and in a blink of an eye (or at least it felt like that), she passed away. I never got the chance to say goodbye to her and give her my blessings, since I had no idea everything would happen so quickly. Nobody knew, for that matter ... it was a huge shock to our entire family. For weeks and months on end I mourned her loss, and kept playing in my head what it'd be like to have her around. My husband never got the chance to really know her ... he only met her once. Even to this day, I wish so much she could have at least been there to celebrate our wedding and momentous occasions such as having a baby. And I don't wish that in a selfish way, but honestly from the bottom of my heart, I love her so deeply that having her share the most joyous times of my life would have been that much more fulfilling.

So the same goes for my mother-in-law. It'd be devastating if she wasn't around to become the grandmother she so desperately wished to be. I'm her only daughter who's trying to conceive at the moment, so she's counting on me to help live out her dream. At first, I didn't understand the magnitude of her illness, so I wasn't ready to start planning a family. I simply wanted to enjoy my marriage, and iron out some kinks with my husband so that we could prepare for parenthood. But I started to realize my husband and I will continue learning about each other throughout the entirety of our marriage. We'll never stop learning, and I don't think we'll ever truly have everything figured out. If life were that easy, then we'd have a baby by now!!! As long as we're both in this together, giving it our all, and promising each other unwavering support, then that's all that matters.

At this point in time, my desire to conceive is not just for external reasons. I've gone through my fair share of doubts and fears, but now I feel a sudden peace. Of course I get excited and jittery as well, but that overriding feeling of calmness is like the love I have for my husband. My friends always ask me, how do you know when he's "the one." And I'll reply, "Well, it's a combination between lust and an incredible sense of security. I've felt so utterly safe and comfortable with my husband from the day I met him, and he really does bring an immeasurable amount of happiness to my life." So along the same lines, how do I know that I'm ready to have a child? I just do ... it's a mix between my gut feeling and logic. I guess that's why I'm on "MomLogic," right? It's amazing being part of a community of women who are not afraid to express their most heartfelt emotions yet also maintain a steadfast understanding of themselves and the world around them. Who knew such a niche group in our society could be so powerful and influential?! MomLogic continues to inspire me everyday, and again I'm extremely honored to participate in this project. Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts with me, as I would be more than happy to respond. I love being able to offer insights that other women can somehow relate to. We're all in this together, so the journey is not just between you and your husband. It's something you can share with your loved ones and women who are going through similar experiences.

Til next time,

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previous: Let Me Just Tell You ... We Held Nothing Back
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