first response conception diaries

I've Become Numb From This Experience

Friday, May 15, 2009
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Anh-Chi: I'm thoroughly and utterly exhausted from testing month to month, day to day, and continually getting disappointed. Honestly, enough is enough!!! I don't understand why I'm putting myself through this unnecessary stress, and trying to control my own body's fate, which is really up to nature, not me! Unless I undergo medical procedures to increase my fertility, that's different. But at this point in time, my fertility and ovulation tests are all that I've got. So there's still a certain amount of uncertainty, and of course I'm not in control of the situation.

Anh Chi

Frankly, I've become so numb from this experience and it's getting to the point where I'm not sure if I care anymore. Obviously I'd be ecstatic if I can just ovulate, but I'm not sure if that will happen before my husband goes on his mission. There goes another opportunity for me to try conceiving. My husband's trips normally last 1-2 weeks (if not longer), so we can pretty much rule out this month. I'll just have to wait until next month to try once again.

I can't continue putting this pressure on myself ... it's wreaking havoc on my emotional and physical health, and putting a strain on my marriage. I'm not the same spontaneous and happy-go-lucky self ... instead, I'm constantly fixated on my mission to become pregnant. When I wake up, I'll do ovulation testing immediately, so my results set the tone of my mood for the rest of the day. Of course I've been getting negative results, so I haven't been the happiest camper lately. And it's not fair to my husband. One minute I'm excited and hopeful, the next minute I'm sobbing out of pure frustration.

So what am I supposed to do? Should I continue taking these tests with a healthy dose of optimism, only to find myself even more upset? Or should I just take it easy and see where things lead? I would much rather choose the latter, but it's much easier said than done. Especially when I'm taking the ovulation test everyday, which is a constant reminder that I MUST get pregnant soon.

But the hell with these tests and expectations! Excuse me for my language, but that's how I feel right now. I'll still continue testing as usual, but I'm not going to expect anything. If the result is negative, then I'm fine. If the result is positive, I'll be better than fine!!! So it's a win-win situation, right?!

Who knew conceiving would be this ridiculously difficult? It's so ironic that so many women out there get pregnant when they least expect it, and those who try have a harder time. I don't think that's fair. When a woman is so ready and devoted to starting a family, she should at least get the benefit of the doubt. Especially if she's taking all the right steps and timing her cycle effectively. Shouldn't we get rewarded after putting in so much hard work and energy??

So I'm going to make this vow to myself ... I can't promise to anyone that I'll get pregnant in the next several months. I can't promise to offer my mother-in-law the grandchild she so desperately wants. I can't promise my family I'll be around if I do ever have children. I can promise this though ... that I'll take care of myself and my husband the best I can. That I'll continually work on my well-being, career, and just enriching my life as much as possible. At least I will have gained something from these experiences, which in turn will prepare me even more for motherhood. If I don't get pregnant anytime soon, then it wasn't meant to be at this point in time. I just hope that if we're lucky enough to have our first child in the near future, then our loved ones can come visit us and "bear the fruits" of our labor.

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previous: My Sex Life Has Become Increasingly Mechanical
next: Waiting for the Big "O" Sucks!

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5 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

 
Anh-Chi, you are not the only one feeling this way. Keep you chin up..
- Wendy
Posted 05/15/09 10:46 AM
 
I know how you feel…I’ve been doing this for almost 2 years…I’ve been asking myself that same question lately
- Absidi
Posted 05/16/09 02:49 AM
 
just remember…children are a gift…not a right. maybe now you better understand this wonderful gift of fertility…and don’t use artificial contraception
- fred
Posted 05/16/09 04:57 PM
 
Thank you for your comment. I would never use artificial contraception…Just making a point that sometimes hard work doesn’t pay off. And yes, children really are a gift. That’s part of what I mentioned towards the end…Everything happens on its own time.
- Anh-Chi
Posted 05/16/09 07:00 PM
 
Keep a positive attitude and it will happen.
- Meredith
Posted 05/19/09 03:33 PM
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