One woman has struggles with being a stay-at-home mom.
"My son is only 3 months old and I already wish i was back to work. Every time I mention going back to work my husband gets mad. He does not help with the baby at all. If I want to run to wal mart to pick up a few groceries he and the baby always come. He doesn't understand what it's like to be cooped up 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Our baby doesn't sleep either. He never helps in the night. My parents say he shouldn't help since he does work, but trust me... I work all day too."
What advice do you have for this mom?
I totally agree with a lot of these ladies about your husband. It sounds like he is being very oppressive and taking the OUTDATED role of a typical husband. You need to sit him down and talk with him. If he won't hear it, go to marriage counseling. If he won't compromise, I suggest giving him an ultimatum or two. For my husband and I, everything is equal because we see ourselves as a team. Where we lack, the other picks up the slack, but each tries as hard as the other, and when there are problems, we bring them to the forefront and work them out. Otherwise, marriage gets oppressive, and who would we end up taking out our frustrations on-without even meaning to-the kids. Nip this in the bud before that happens.
divorce him. waht a loser. It's not going to get any better unless you force him. God, wait til you have 2 or 3 kids. GEEZ.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok to feel like that. One thing for sure. You are doing a wonderful sacrifice for your baby... ( It really only seems like that now) you will be thrilled as you get used to the idea of being a Stay at Home Mom...I have been doing it for 7years. My daughter yesterday turned 18 and will be leaving home for Loyola University the 19 August...TIME FLIES...
If you think your husband & you would contemplate a part time home business opportunity here is my site... Any questions I am on only a call away. I promise YOU WILL LOVE BEING HOME. Give it time.
Regards:
Marta Frascarelli – 786 326-2923
Marta@WellnessForOurFamilies.com
My site: http://wellnessforfamilies.momsmakemore.com/
Hope to hear from you. Till later... By
Being a stay at home is the most important job that their is, and its the hardest. You should feel proud about that, and hold your head up high. If you do feel that need to work, do it from home. There are lots of jobs you can do from home. God Bless You. Keep it real.
You need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband. A lot of people have given a lot of good suggestions. But the only thing that can heal this is communication. The lack thereof is why you posted this. Either he is not hearing you or you have not communicated your needs effectively. What you need to do is let your husband know what you need. And he should communicate why he hasn't felt a need to participate.
Take it slowly. Over several weeks. Tell him this in terms of how each need affects you. And how that affects your family. If he gets uneasy/reactive. Stay totally calm. Keep expressing your issues while remaining completely calm. Be ready to work out compromises. This will take time. Do not expect everything to come together from day one.
Sometimes I know it might seem fair. But it is up to one partner to swallow the pride and correct the issues.
But keep slowly working to a comfortble life together. Best of luck!
I'm not sure that you really want to go back to work, but rather that you want a break! And what Mother doesn't? We all need to get out and get a breather. Make the time to get out and if your husband is so againts help then make him stay home while you get out and do your hair or something! If you find that it really is that you want a job and it isn't that you simply need some time away then you'll cross that bridge then.
This is not a staying at home issue, it's a hubby needs a kick in the pants issue. I don't want to start a lot of fighting, but you REALLY need to make him understand what it's like to be attached to that baby 24/7. And for all you preggies out there, please please please get this straightened out now, before post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation gets the best of you. Stick up for yourself, you're the only one who can. Beat it into him if necessary (figuratively, of course), you NEED a break... or at least a nap. Oh, and please refrain from feeding your 3 mo old solids, it's not good for them. Good luck!
I know only too well the position you are in and some of the warning signs that you need to recognize so that you can begin to change the rules. The very fact that ANYONE implies that you don't work just because you don't get a paycheck is clueless and insensitive. I am not implying anything about a divorce but there are some great things on this site and they pertain to being a stay at home mom. Check it out. Good Luck. Being a stay at home mom is an awesome job but only if you are supported and respected!
www.divorceforstayathomemoms.com
sweetie sounds to me like you got a bad deal.... his parents say he should not help??? tell them he was there for the fun now he must be there for the work.. you teach him how to treat you and except this now and you will eventually hold animosity towards him
I would also like to go back to work, but unfortunately the odds are against us right now. Finding a job that pays enough for one to even afford to work and affording a 2nd car while living in Westchester County NY.
I would be working right now, but was more or less forced out of my position by my boss and husband. Our daughter was constantly getting sick and my husband wouldn't take turns with staying home. It was basically the choice: be fired or resign quietly. Since my resignation(1 year ago), I haven't been able to find a job. This has left a huge gap on my resume which is more or less making it impossible to be given a chance for even an interview. So we are struggling pretty bad right now. If I want to go back to work, I have to find a job that makes enough money to afford going to work. We only have one car right now as a result of my unemployment, so that would be another cost we would have to factor in.
I am also ready to jump out of my tree. Staying home is not for me. Especially when bills are coming in and life careers you are currently paying student loans for are constantly on your conscience. If having a career is what you want to do, then you need to go out and do it. Who knew that fighting with your husband would be like fighting for a job from a male employer. IT's horribly the same.
The old saying it will get better is true. I have grown children now but my girls have children. Their husband and them decided to be stay at home moms. One husband is very good about helping with the baby the other one is not, just because hes kind of afraid and unsure of how. Also everyone just thinks moms want and know how to care for a baby. So I help when I can, have you talked to your mom? family? If not maybe their waiting for you to ask for help. I know I waited for them to ask me because I didn' want to but in. Also you may be thinking times have changed, you are right all the more reason to raise your child and protect them. Wait until the baby starts needing more attension, you'll wish every once awhile he was a baby again. So don't waste the time at each stage of his life. Also think of him as a little person you get to mold. It can be fun if your not tried but (I dont mean this as an insult but stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about this little person that had no choice or say if he is here. Also think how helpless he would feel if you were not there for him) Now to your husband, He needs to bond with your little person (his too) sit down with him a plan a time you can get away and he watches him then sit down with someone and plan a date for you two. But both of you know that this is the best times, trust me I have a different and happy life with my kids, grandkids and thats because they were raised by their own parents. I worked but it was always a different time than my husband cause we wanted one of us to be home with our kids. I stayed home until they were two. HAD TO GO BACK BECAUSE OF MONEY NEEDS.I hated going back and would of loved to stay home with them.. Remember you get to take pride in your child only when you put pride in them. You get want you put in.
Sweetie- after my baby has now left the nest, I have now distant memories of times with my daughter...these first days, months and years go by so fast.... be happy you can be home. Find the best out of each moment! Ask for help though and get some rest....that will help you enjoy your day. Get out and so something... go find a mother's day out program..... book club- or anything- but do your best to be a major part of your babies life! If you think you can't find the light anywhere- then go see the doctor! You may be having baby blues...and need some medicine to help you. I really had the blues badly.....and I know I missed out on precious moments because I was so out of it and sad. These moments you can't ever get back....and then one day- they don't even care if they are around you.....but now- you are the most important person in that babies life and you will be idolized for now- so stop- take a breath- get some help from grandparents, friends, other mothers, medicine....ect.... and breathe in the fresh air that God has given you in this new birth!
Your job is 24/7 with no breaks. Add little to no sleep and that equals pure exhaustion. I know all to well how you feel. He gets breaks at work and time off work. You do not unless he or somebody else gives it to you. However, if he is so resistant about taking care of baby while you go out and you force him, how well will baby be taken care of? That was my main concern and believe me baby was not very well taken care of. I made a surprise early stop home and could not believe my eyes. Baby was outside asleep while daddy was inside asleep on the couch. My God I should have left the man that day. I always found relief at the local library they start early baby story hours. Not exactly time alone but you will meet and make friends with other moms. This will help. Also, church activities church women love taking turns almost fighting over who gets to hold baby next while you enjoy church functions. Finaly, the weather is getting prettier and it wont be long before baby will be ready for baby swing at the park. Another way to meet and make friends with moms that have alot in common with you.
Good Luck
I would say first lets address as to why your 3 months old is not sleeping through the night. Are you feed your child solids yet, cereal or even applesauce or bananas? That little extra at the last feeding will help with him/her sleeping through the night. Next most men to not particate with childern until they are 6 months or older because they do not know what to do with them or how to handle them physically. I do not know what or how your relationship is with your husband, but I suggest that you sit down and talk to him about your concerns and do so with the words " I and Me " so he does not feel like you are attacking him.
I work from home and make great money.. check out my site
http://www.ican.makedreamsreality.net
i am in the same situation as you are right now. the only difference is that, my husband helps me with the baby. our baby is 7 months old now. i really would love to go back to work but our son has pierre robin syndrome so he will have to undergo an operation this june. my husband & i discussed this & we agreed that it's best that i should be the one taking care of the baby instead of hiring a nanny.
i love my son dearly, but i feel like i'm useless now that i am a full-time mom. i have no one to talk to the whole day but my baby. i miss having time for myself, too.
maybe it's best if you try to accept the situation you are into right now, get friends to come over to your house every once in a while & convince your husband that you need a life, too. those are the things that i am planning to do in the coming days.
good luck & god bless you...
/PrettyCielo
www.andsoiblogged.blogspot.com
You have to sit that husband down and remind him that your beautiful baby is half his.
A lot of women feel the same way you do. I felt that way too! I wanted to get out of the house to talk to other adults and to feel like I was using my brain. The post from Sheri from Minnesota has a great idea! You should talk with your husband about a home based business! There are lots of places you can research and you can work as little or as much as you like! I was a much better Mom after I started a little business. If you go to www.Homepartyplannetwork.com you can research all the different companies. That's what I did! I ended up becoming a consultant with MicheleBaratta.com I wish you lots of luck!
i understand you far more than you think!! although my husband does help a little when he is home i still have to stand on his heals to get him to do things...I dont really have a choice on going back to work but i really dont think i would have it any other way...i do understand being couped up is getting old but think about all the things you would miss if you were gone during the day and all the bonding youll get to do...babies seem to always do something new during the day so if you went to work you would miss out on them doing it the first time...one thing i do when im home alone with my kids is go for a walk...i pack them up in the stroller and walk around the housing develpoement...it gets me some different scenery and calms them down and works their brainn with all the new things they get to see...one thing you could talk to your husband about the whole helping thing is that with him not doing anything when he gets home he is missing out on the bonding...your baby will know him of course but he isnt the one who gives food or changes diapers or plays so later on the baby might not think that daddy is a safe place to go since that initial bonding time was missed out on...i had to talk to my husband a few times before he really understood but now its better than it was and i can go to the store if i need things or be able to go out for at least an hour just to breath...hang in there...try to get your parents to understand as well its not good for your well-being if your stuck in the same routine all the time...and just because he works doesnt mean he isnt a daddy when he gets home that was my husbands excuse..."i work all day so im just going to sit" that didnt work with me for too long and it doesnt matter if its one baby or three like me it still takes a lot out of us its way more demanding than any job in the world...i hope things work out and sit down a breath try not to get too stressed out it wont make anything better and once your calmed down your baby will be better at sleeping because they feed off of your emotions...i hope that helps at least a little i know im not very old but having three all the same age has taught me a lot
I understand and go through this everyday, but I don't ever want to go back to work....the most important thing you are doing is staying home with your child..This world is so crazy and so many children are thrown into childcare everyday for hours on end and the only one your child wants is you...It is a selfless act but it is what you chose when you wanted to have a baby...Keep your head high and keep at it...it only gets better. My 18 mo old is the happiest baby ever and I know it's because I am with him and give him so much love that noone other than you and your husband will offer.
Hello, I know exactly how you feel. I was there 17 years ago... Is the reason why your husband does not want you to go back to work, is because he does not want your child in a daycare? If that is the case, have you thought about or talked to your husband about doing a Home Based Business? You can talk to your husband about something like that.. You and your husband can check out my webpage and see if this is something you can do, so you can get out of the house a couple hours a night a couple days a week. My webpage is www.beautipage.com/sherimiller
Hope all goes well
Mom of 4 from Minnesota
Enjoy it because there are alot of us that can't afford to.
You are not alone! I read a blog the other day that helped put things in perspective as far as my feelings about staying home or not. The issues with your husband should be addressed sooner, not later!
Check out Ginger's Blog- "What do you do?" at www.skirt.com
Hang in there. I am 44 (almost 45), we have a 10 month old and 4 other children (2 his, 2 mine). You need to use your words better. Like: "Honey, I know you worked all day, but so have I and I really need some moments to myself, would you mind if I go to walmart by myself for an hour or two?" - - I remind my husband that as much as I need to respect his job, he needs to respect mine too. It's tough. I tell the whole family.."You get to go to school and you get to go to work; you all have social lives and fresh air and whatever I can think of saying...." - - I remind them, all the time. I wish I could go back to school and 'only' worry about that! Or even a job would be excellent!! BUT, I love my family and I am the best thing for them, especially being home for them; I am still learning "creative" ways to challenge myself and them to realizing that we ALL are responsible for each other and we need to take turns... cause, quite truthfully, IF MOMMIE ISN'T HAPPY NO ONE IS GONNA BE HAPPY!! and that is basically it.... good luck, hang in there, get out more!! even to walmart.... t.c.
I have 3 kids and with each one my husband has gotten better at helping. With the first he was no help at all. I think b/c he did not know how to help. I had to start telling him how to help and what to do. I promise it will get better! Hang in there!
HUGS
Taffy
I work from home and you can too!
I found that by staying home 100% of the time, I felt trapped as a mom. I also found myself becoming so routined with my children that I was bored. I needed to work a few hours per week. Even though I was working, work felt like a little break. See if you can find a once a week lunch date without your baby, or go to the gym. Just having that little break to look forward to will make a difference. I am lucky that my hubby helps. Being a full-time mommy is the hardest job on earth... Good Luck
I know how you feel, I feel the same way...my husband works and feel that he is tired from working all day so he need rest. After I expressed how I feel to him he tries to help out as much as he can, and I in return try to understand that he is tired, so we try to make a balance...but truth is sometimes that just doesn't work. It is very hard to explain how you feel without be argurmentative so make sure you are relaxed and choose your words wisely...b/c a arguement will not make the situation better. I feel that having a child is a blessing, and wanting to have a life doesn't mean you are a bad mother...your child is to be a part of your life, not take it over. Yes we are that caregivers and we mold and make them who they are but we also have to make sure that we are happy when fulfilling these obligations...I believe we set the mood and if something is bothering us the baby can sense it and they become cranky as well. My baby is 5wks and I still hope that it gets better...however, when its all said and done we gotta do what we gotta do...I plan on going back to work when my baby is 3mos...and all I think about is if he don't help out much now, then when I go back to work imma be in for it big time...but hey, no turning back now. It's gonna get better! (gotta keep telling myself that :o)
MOPS, MOPS, MOPS!!! MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers and you can find them at www.mops.org. I was in you same place when I decided to stay home after the birth of my second son. I had never felt so alone and out of control and it isn't a good feeling. I was at the end of my rope and I remembered a friend telling me about MOPS. I found a local group and went. They meet in different churches at least twice a month for about 2.5 hours. They have free childcare for you child and food and friendship for you.During the meetings you hear from guest speakers about mothering issues, play different games, share your hardships and celebrations as moms, and lots more great stuff. I found so many other stay at home moms through the group and with their friendship I found that I loved staying at home. I hope that things get better for you soon. Please look at the web site...it changed my life as a stay home mom.
Hang in there, it will get better. I have 2 boys, 15mths and 21/2. I struggle daily with staying home. I miss the time I had with friends and co-workers. Now I have nothing to say about anything. Just me and the kids all day and almost everyday. I had lots of support when the boys were babies but now " the terrific 2's" and no one can handle both at once. Really I dont' get much time alone. I can sympathize with you! I just remind myself how this time with them is going to make them better people and I make it a challenge and find advise to get me through the day. The day will come when you get your indivuality back. Time goes to fast really to rush it. Play it day by day, make sure you are doing this as a team, he has to understand if not make him. I left my husband alone for a couple hours with the kids and pet............he understands now :)
I promise that it gets better. However, you should be getting someextra help right now. I have a 13 month old and am 5 months pregnant. Its busy, and thankfully, I have a helpful husband. I was working full time prior to having the baby, but now i too and a stay at home mom. My struggle was with my role change from a monetary contributor to the family to this. I think it caused a little baby blues as well (and the hormones didn't help). Now, I am happier than ever and have an even better relationshipd with my husband. Hang in there. Its a BIG change, and i think the realization of the changing roles is part of that. Get away and do something for yourself. If you have family or friends nearby, reach out, get a sitter even for an hour escape. Good luck.
I can understand your frustration and loneliness, I'm a stay at home breast feeding mom; sleep and alone time are luxuries. It's understandable that your husband is upset, he knows the best care comes from you and with all the reports in the media lately of child care providers abusing innocent children it's no wonder he would like for you to stay at home. It's clear you don't have any time for yourself, I would reccomend taking at least 5 minutes for yourself whenever you can squeeze it in, a hot shower will do wonders. I've come to appreciate that getting out ANYWHERE is so important. I make sure to look good on the outside so I feel good on the inside. Even if it's just my jeans and a pair of converse. And the ultimate is to get together with my girlfriends, I have one in particular who I bonded with in Lamaze class. We always have lunch together once a week. We talk, laugh, cry and vent our frustrations and relish our babies milestones. It keeps me happy, recharges me and allows me to be myself. Last but not least speak with your husband when you are both relaxed, communication is the lifeblood of every good relationship. I wish you well!
-MM
I know exactly how you feel. My girls are 3.5 and almost 2. I had a hard time (still do)staying home with them. We also only have one car which is actually why I don't work yet. My husband works two jobs one in the middle of the night and another from 10am-8pm. I understand that he's tired but so am I.
See, if I wa to find a job rightn ow, I'd have to work around his schedule for the car and I'd have to take the kids to daycare.
It does get better though. since your child is so young right now, I think you're in what I call the 'fog'. You really just need a good night's rest a few days in a row. You'll be happier, refreshed and nicer.
Something that I learned the hard way. In my opinion when we let ourselves relax the babies can 'feel' the tension going away and will sleep better.
GL
work is a poor excuse not to help
I am in the same boat as you! I have a 3 month old daughter and she is my world. I worked for 7 years full time and over time too! So staying home was a huge adjustment for me! He works 6 days a week about 60 hours a week! So I do mostly everything for her. We only have 1 vehicle and he takes it to work. So I am stuck in the house all the time! It is nerve racking to say the least! About a week or so ago, I got into a huge fight with his mom about this too! She told me that I am the mom and its my job to take care of her and his job is to work. First off Parenting isn't a job its a responsibility! One that is shared with the father, regardless if I work of not! Then she tells me that I don't need time to myself, she said welcome to parenthood! I told her getting a shower alone is not possible (went I do get one after 3 days or so at times) all I'm asking for is a few minutes alone or to go to the store on my own. She said to get one when she is asleep at night. She don't sleep that well at night and by that time, I'm to exhausted to shower all I want it sleep by then! Believe me the disagreement got worse and I ended up packing her up and leaving and haven't talked to her since. I think I was more upset at the fact that my boyfriend was sitting right there and he said nothing! He just let her talk to me that way and never said a word, like he was agreeing with her or something. After i put the baby to sleep that night, I exploded in anger. I was never so upset or hurt in my life. She made me feel like a horrible mom just because I wanted to take a 10 minute shower alone!! Since then, he has really helped me out. I think he knew I was at my breaking point! Talk to him about it! You have too or you will loose your mind the same way I did! Good luck
I am in the same boat as you! I have a 3 month old daughter and she is my world. I worked for 7 years full time and over time too! So staying home was a huge adjustment for me! He works 6 days a week about 60 hours a week! So I do mostly everything for her. We only have 1 vehicle and he takes it to work. So I am stuck in the house all the time! It is nerve racking to say the least! About a week or so ago, I got into a huge fight with his mom about this too! She told me that I am the mom and its my job to take care of her and his job is to work. First off Parenting isn't a job its a responsibility! One that is shared with the father, regardless if I work of not! Then she tells me that I don't need time to myself, she said welcome to parenthood! I told her getting a shower alone is not possible (went I do get one after 3 days or so at times) all I'm asking for is a few minutes alone or to go to the store on my own. She said to get one when she is asleep at night. She don't sleep that well at night and by that time, I'm to exhausted to shower all I want it sleep by then! Believe me the disagreement got worse and I ended up packing her up and leaving and haven't talked to her since. I think I was more upset at the fact that my boyfriend was sitting right there and he said nothing! He just let her talk to me that way and never said a word, like he was agreeing with her or something. After i put the baby to sleep that night, I exploded in anger. I was never so upset or hurt in my life. She made me feel like a horrible mom just because I wanted to take a 10 minute shower alone!! Since then, he has really helped me out. I think he knew I was at my breaking point! Talk to him about it! You have too or you will loose your mind the same way I did! Good luck
I hear everything you're saying, too. But just as we are home with our babies, they are at work dealing with the crap they have to deal with as well. You need to sit down and actually talk to him. Tell him your frustrations, but do so that he doesn't take offense to it. He may think you're directing your anger on HIM, when in fact, it's not his fault. Dads who work DO assume that we will take all the responsibility. It's not their fault that they think that way. It's just the way it is. And ya know what? That outlook won't change unless we tell him what's going on in the house while they're at work.
We ARE the mommies. We ARE the ones who are responsible for their well-being. That is the role we signed up for when we decided to have children. Sure, no one told us that we'd have to be the ones to take the brunt of the blows, but ya know what? That's the beauty of it. We get the inner strength and power from knowing we are the magicians in the family! I've never been more sleep-deprived in my life. But after nearly one year of sleepless nights and poopy diapers, I wouldn't change a thing. He helps out when he gets home. He helps me by sleeping in on the weekends. But it's only after talking to him that he wised up. Your husband is just like most other Dads. He doesn't know unless you say something.
We all want a way out. Going back to work is usually the option with the least amount of criticism. We think that by going back to work, it will ease the feelings we have deep down inside. It's not the answer. Of course we all want those feelings to go away. We all want to feel the way we did before we got pregnant. We want our freedom back. We want our spending money back. We want to feel like we're part of society again. But doesn't our baby come first now? Isn't it more important that we, as parents, provide the BEST possible nurture for this little person we've decided to put on the planet? Isn't OUR presence the best path-way to ensure their intelligence and good behavior? Aren't WE the first line of defense?
No, you shouldn't put yourself at the bottom of the list. Join a gym that has childcare. Make play dates. Check out the local libraries for story times. Keep yourself in the world. Don't stay at home all day every day. True, you will never be the person you were... But again - that's what you signed up for. Having this baby in your life means changing YOURSELF for the better. You're a new person now. You're your baby's guide through life. You're the person who needs to mold him. You're the one who determines what he will be like when he gets older. So decide right now HOW you will do that. Your husband will be a lucky man if he gets the chance to join you.
He's your partner. Talk to him. And if he doesn't show any support, then you may need to seek professional help. If not, then I fear your relationship with him could suffer. And in the long run, your child will suffer. You need to be on the same page now!
Makes me sad - I hate to hear that you have little help from your husband. I have a six month old and my husband is very active in helping me. It was very hard for me to stay home and it doesn't make me a "bad mother". I love my son very much but I am an education business women. I got very depressed staying home. I really need to communicate with adults and the only way I felt sane was working. My advise - tell your husband you need help and consider going back to work (maybe even part-time). My thought about being away from your baby "its the quality of the time spent, not he quantity of time". Its not fair to you or your child if you are unhappy.
I know exacgtly how you feel. I recently went back to workk after staying home for 2 yrs after my 3rd child. My husband did help though. I actually had to put my foot down and tell him I work round the clock with our 3 kids and its not as easy as you think. I also told him you stay home for several days without me being around and tell me how easy it is. he finally let me have my own time even if it was just going to the store or to my mothers for a while. If it is at all possible tell your hubby i'll be right back hand him the baby and leave asap.
I can relate to you in many more ways than one...as stated in the comment before mine...it does take time, however, just as you have had nine months to prepare, so did he. He knew just as you did that taking care of a baby is not an easy thing to do, that is why it takes TWO to make a baby, therefore caring for one is the same. You have got to tell your husband that you need time alone, demand it and take it. What is your husband going to do, not care for the baby if you take a few hours and go and do YOU, I think not...you will be surprised at how fast the fatherly instinct kicks in as well. Best of luck!!! (Don't give up!)
You definately work too. Your husband needs to understand that it is a lot of work to be a mom. Maybe your husband is nervous being home alone with the baby - start slow. Have him take over an evening feeding while you take a nap - that way he doesn't feel "alone". then slowly have him take over more time to allow you to have a little break. You need time for you. I would tell your hubby that he needs time after working an 8 hour day to unwind, you need a hour to yourself (at least) to recharge from your 24 hour shift. Good luck to you... I hope it gets easier soon!